Empress of Self-Ruin

Chapter 36: You've Got My Devotion

"So we just confirmed that we both remember the other timeline, didn't we?"

It sounded casual enough because he always made everything sound so casual. So utterly incidental, like I should have seen it coming. Like the laws of nature had been bidding us to come to this moment.

I did expect this though. Ever since that damn question slipped out of my mouth I had predicted this.

For a moment, I considered playing dumb, but it was useless when it was already so obvious anyway.

I sighed tiredly. "Can we not talk about it now?"

"Then, when will you want to talk about it?"

"We will talk about it someday. I promise. But I can't have this conversation right now."

"May I ask why you keep on avoiding this topic when it's clear that we both are already aware of the truth?"

I let out a frustrated grunt at his question and stared at him in contempt.

But the childish anger of mine passed only after a few seconds, replaced diligently with self-loathing.

How could I hate him for saying the truth when all I offered him were lies? Or half-truths. Some half-godforsaken truths.

It was actually my fault because I was the weak one. I knew I could never sustain my rationality, my hard-earned level-headedness if I just let go now, that's why I kept avoiding it.

Shit, I should have stopped myself earlier. This is a bad idea.

Bad ideas equaled bad decisions, then added in mismatched people and loneliness, and then you got it: Vulnerability. Vulnerability and how it was a gateway to being breakable. And once you break there is no way back to being fixed or normal or... right.

I looked up at the golden canopy of his bed, trying hard to suppress my tears that were already threatening to fall again. I didn't want to cry anymore. I had enough of crying today.

"Because I'm fucking scared, alright?" I finally spat the words like venom as if it was a taboo word for me. Calypso and scared shouldn't be in the same sentence. At least it shouldn't be said out loud like this.

Arsen's eyes widened at my confession. He probably found it surprising too. "Scared of—"

"I'm scared of myself!" I cut him off before he could finish his sentence. "I told you before, didn't I? I still have many things that I need to do. That's why we can't—no, I can't. Because I'm fucking scared I will shatter and forget what I should be doing if we talk about it right now."

There, I said it, the accursed words. And I couldn't pretend it was anything else.

I, Calypso Berenice, was scared. I was scared that once I let myself go, I would never want to come out of my warm wonderland, and that I would have to face the cold reality.

So I raised my chin and looked right into his eyes and held my gaze in an attempt to preserve my determination. I noticed how his pupils dilated by a fraction, and his lips pressed into a thin line as he seemed to let my words sink in.

"I would like to stay faithful to my rage and vice," I added darkly, chest heaving from my confession. "Can you understand this?"

Arsen watched me back, mouth slightly agape like he had a hard time finding the right words to say. It took him a few more seconds to finally reply, "Yes. I won't ask again. At least not until you're ready. But can I ask something else instead?"

I contemplated before answering, "Let me hear the question first. I won't promise I'd answer though."

"Will this... will this be a continuous battle for you until you reach your goal?"