Empress of Self-Ruin

Chapter 39: Home Is Where Our Story Begins

Home was made of memories.

Home was a splash of cold water in the face. Home was waking up at the mouth of dawn, stretching your muscles to the pull of the new day and pondering whether it was worth anything to get out of bed. Dreaming, almost still sleeping, I decided it may as well be.

Home was watching the sky before anyone else, marveling from the window seat of my childhood bedroom as the sky cracked and split from a dusky blue to a brilliant orange sunrise. Home was losing track of time. Home was a routine made meticulously for me. Home resembled something close to normalcy.

I was staring into the beautiful garden of Berenice Manor, courtesy of my mother that was still preserved until now, even after years of her death. People called it the winter garden because every flower that grew here was the so-called winter flower that could grow tall and thrive in the cold.

As my eyes wandered, I spotted the familiar albino peacocks scattered around the garden. Their numbers truly had increased a lot since the last time I saw them, and they were strutting around as if they owned the place—or maybe they already did put a claim on it, I didn't know. But I guess a few things never change.

It had been a year since I last visited the Berenice Manor, but I always came to visit my mother's grave on the same exact date every year—and no, it wasn't the day of her passing or her funeral, but her birthday.

It was probably a bit strange to visit someone's grave on their birthday, but that was my mother's request, as she preferred people to celebrate her life instead of her death. I thought it was a cool mindset to have. I would probably adopt her method later when it was my time to leave this world.

Every year, Arsen always tagged along with me during my annual visit, but this year was an exception. It wasn't that he didn't want to come; more like he couldn't, because he had to take care of some barbarians in the western part of the empire.

I was actually the one who told him to go and settle the problem before it got bigger and caused a lot more trouble for us, like what happened in the first timeline. And since I deemed it would be impossible for him to make it in time, I decided to depart to the North by myself and leave the supervision of the Imperial Palace and the capital to my aide, the royal advisor, as well as Xavier and my cousin, Orion. At least I knew I could trust them to keep an eye on things when Arsen and I weren't around.

It's fine, isn't it? I can do this by myself. We're all growing up now.

The sigh that escaped my dry lips was slow and tired. I got up from my seat and started walking around my childhood bedroom and it didn't take long before I found myself lost in memories.

I remembered growing up here. Calypso Berenice, the privileged child of a privileged child. 

People would take one look at me and think of how lucky I was, being born with a diamond spoon. 

My childhood was so extravagant—so unnecessarily filled with things I didn't need, that the things I wanted felt like imprudence. 

I remembered the weekly tea parties and hand-sewn party dresses and the room full of dolls I used to talk with... because I had no one to talk to—because I wasn't allowed to talk to just anybody.

So yeah, home was the same three songs, the same three lousy plays no one bothered to cancel, playing over and over again.

Time slipped and slid and fell out of my grasp, and here I was rereading a bunch of old letters from my mother that she used to send whenever I was away from home during the social season to spend the summer months socializing in the capital and attending balls, dinners, charitable and sporting events.