Empress of Self-Ruin

Chapter 42: The North Star

The dusky glow of the day pressed on the window of my chamber. The cold left its mark on the glass, the splatter of dew-drops obscuring the view of the gardens outside.

Arsen had left my room at the earliest of dawn to join the Berenice knights on their patrol, saying that he might as well be doing an inspection when he was in the area.

So here I was, alone in the comfort of my childhood bedroom, amid loud, boisterous honking coming from a flock of peacocks in the garden.

I got up from my favorite spot near the window and walked to the mirror in the center of the room.

Staring at myself in the mirror was a chore for me. It was something I did to see if I looked alright—to see if there was a hair out of place and if I was presentable enough.

I fixed a stray hair from my ear, my eyes falling upon my mother's portrait reflected in the mirror. I immediately cringed at how similar we look. The same dull, green eyes. The same dark hair, though mine was darker. We both had no colors. None in our skins, none in our personalities, none in our life.

Arsen's mother, on the other hand... I bit back a sigh at the thought of it. I hadn't gotten to meet the late Empress Clementine often because of my mother, but... in my memories, her hand on my head always felt so soft and warm. She had comforted and taken care of me like her own child whenever I came over.

Had Arsen's father chosen her over my mother because, unlike my mother, Clementine had brought a whirlwind of color to his monotonous life? Was that why he had preferred her—colorful, bright, laughing Clementine—over my ice-cold and bland mother?

How depressing.

I stopped myself from grimacing. Maybe I should divert my attention and review my plans for today instead.

Everything has to be perfect today.

I pulled my face into a smile and practiced it over and over again. Not too much. Not too tight. Don't try too hard or people will notice. Always keep yourself elegant and poised. Be a perfect empress.

I repeated those words in my head a few times like a mantra, but at some point, I just felt so silly and snorted at how ridiculous it all was. My smile turned into the most unattractive expression and it made me laugh even harder.

If anyone saw me, my mother or even my old etiquette tutor—they would be horrified. I was sure of it.

Strangely, it gave me some sort of satisfaction. There was something absolutely thrilling about being secretly so... undignified?

I wasn't sure what to call it. Maybe it was just the freedom and the riddance of pressure that came along with it.

But getting rid of that stuff meant you would be a disappointment, Calypso!

I took a long, tired breath as my tutor's words flashed in my mind. I had been nine and had just fallen short of a perfect score in my monthly etiquette exams.

"You smile too much for someone who's failing, my lady. You look so happy and you play too much with the crown prince. Don't you understand your situation right now? How am I supposed to face the duchess and tell her that the future empress got less than a perfect score in etiquette?"

I scoffed bitterly.

Yeah, sorry I didn't act depressed back then. I am now, though. Are you satisfied?

"Don't smile too much. No, no, don't frown either. It's unbecoming of a noble lady to have such an expression."

Her voice echoed in my mind once again.