Forget Me Not

Chapter Seventeen

The distance between them had never been so obvious. Korn wasn't even referring to how far Chiang Mai was from Bangkok. He'd never let himself think about it because it hadn't mattered. Or rather he hadn't allowed it to matter.

He should never have let things get this far.

Korn tried to figure out what he would say to Mew. Turning the words over in his head a thousand times didn't help. Nothing sounded right. Nothing could encompass what he was trying to do because he wasn't sure of anything.

They hardly spent any time together. In the past year, they had probably been together a total of a week, maybe two. How did he break up with someone when they weren't actually together? How could he end something that hadn't really begun?

The entire affair was on his mind when he was at work. Drawing his attention away from the tedium of fixing something that should never have been allowed to break. That was different. Most of the time, work invaded his home life not the other way around. Korn had to tell himself to concentrate a few times a day to keep his mind from wandering. It still did.

But his last subconscious contemplation had finally given him an idea.

He should have been on his way home but he was sitting in his office staring at a blank sheet of copy paper. He didn't want to brave the rush hour traffic but he hadn't been willing to go out with his workmates to wait it out either. He could have worked on any number of things in his inbox but he chose to finally empty his thoughts onto a piece of paper.

Korn hope that getting a clear picture would give him a better understanding of what he was trying to say. That would give him an idea of how to say it. If he played his cards right, there would be no rift between him and Mew like there had been before. No recriminations for the lack of clarity that had turned a misunderstanding into a cold war.

They would be able to move forward as friends—he hoped.
Make something new and different from all the other failed attempts of the past.

Dear Mew,

You're a nice guy. Well...more than nice but.... Shit. I don't think that matters. You're a good guy and I know that. Have known that for a while. I mean, even when you were being a dick, you were a considerate dick, right? Sort of not the point.

(But if he's a nice guy he doesn't deserve to be treated like shit. Which is what I've been doing.) —I am the asshole.

We've been hanging out. (I guess that's one way of putting it.)

It wasn't just hooking up, not after you came to my home. That was a mistake. Shit. No...it wasn't a mistake it was me being confused and wanting to spend time with someone who didn't make me feel like shit. (But that's the problem, isn't it? I wanted someone there and I used you to make myself feel better. That makes me a dick.)

I don't want to be a dick. I don't want to do dumb shit because I feel like crap. I should apologize for being like that. (What if he doesn't accept my apology? Wait, why wouldn't he accept... Fuck. I want him to think well of me even though I am being an asshole and breaking up with him. No. Not breaking up. Ending something before it starts. So...apology first. Then, "we should go our separate ways" and "maybe we can be friends".)

I would love—like! I would like it if we remained friends. But it would be better if we stopped seeing each other.

(Did that even make sense? Friends who didn't see each other? Wasn't that what we were most of the time? So, what made us different?

Say it...you know what it is. It's the sex. You don't sleep with your friends. You don't do that. So, what you really want is to stop sleeping with him. Except if you were honest, you want to continue sleeping with him but you don't want it to mean anything. Even though by wanting it not to mean anything, you've already accepted that it means something.)