Blue

Chapter 12

"Ian,

I like it when I have a sore throat. Because I don't have to fake I'm alright. I can talk to them through tears, from behind a curtain. And they'll all think it's alright. They'll never know it's not. But you will, one day, I'll meet you and then I'll slap you. Then I'll hug you and let you hold me. And I'll hold you. And I'll cry. I'll cry a lot. I'll bury my face in your neck and cry. I'll shake, I'll shake a lot. I'll let you feel the pain of seeing me unsteady. I'll hear you whisper it'll be alright. And I'll believe with all I have that you will make it alright. I'll let you make my world spin in a way it's never been before. In the right way.

And then, when I feel complete, I'll let you tell me that you're afraid. It will be something really stupid.

But I won't laugh like I would have done any other time. I'll just hold you and whisper in your ear, that "It'll be alright. And if it's not, I'll still love you"

and those will be the best words you've ever heard. And they'll work their magic and calm you down in a way you never imagined possible.

And then our lives would go on. But with every turn, I'll find you hold me tighter. I'll never want to escape you. I'll give you all I've got. I'll not be happy, I'll be satisfied and you'll be the only one I can see. You'll seize to be part of me. You'll start being who I am, entirely and completely. Until one day, you'll not be there anymore.

And I'll get no goodbye. And you'll break every promise you ever made. And it won't even be your fault. And they'll tell me it was inevitable. They'll tell me I have to stay strong. They'll tell me, every human has to leave. That day, I'll lose everything I had. I'll be shattered and broken beyond repair. And I'll not want to breathe or walk. I'll not know what to do. That day, I'll know that I won't ever watch you say I love you, again. And because I fear that day, I'll let you go today. Without saying goodbye. Without telling you I love you.

-Me"

Neill closed the journal. He couldn't take any more. He had read Elaine's journal all night. They were all addressed to 'Ian'. They weren't cheesy and chummy. They weren't 'dear Ian' or 'sweet Ian'. They were wishful and dark. With every letter that Neill read, he felt as though he had died a little inside.

"Coffee?" Maire asked offering a steaming cup to him. Neill sat up straight in the hospital chair. He passed Maire a thankful smile as he grabbed the mug from her. Maire went and sat on the edge of Elaine's hospital bed as she sipped her own coffee. Elaine was sleeping soundly on the bed, still unconscious. She looked innocent and the angry burns on her arms were now healing.

"You should go home and get some rest," Maire said. Neill had been in the hospital for about two days, not leaving Elaine's side. There were dark circles under his eyes and he looked tired. He didn't sleep or eat properly. Maire went home after having her wounds nursed and had just arrived after a good night's sleep.

"Nah. I'm good, thanks." Neill said, shaking his head.

Silence followed.

"I don't understand." Neill said after a while. "Why didn't you tell me about Ian?"

Maire shrugged. "You didn't ask. And I wasn't really helping you willingly. It was just your command."

"Did she really love him?" Neill asked in a pained voice.

"I don't know. She really liked him. And she was really sensitive about him. But I think it was more of an obsession, than love."

"Why didn't she ask him out, then?"

"Elaine though it was wrong to love him. Because he was too good for her. Majorly because she thought he'd dump her and she wouldn't be able to live through that. So primarily, fear of rejection."