Blue

Chapter 2

"And today again, I wished you were here. I somehow can't stop wishing. Cant stop seeing you as part of the crowd. Cant stop expecting you to round the corner with all your friends. Its hard to know that you're gone. They all tell me its over. But I want to keep tinking about you. Falling deeper for you. So that when you come back, I can feel what I felt everytime I saw your beautiful face. I might never see it again. I know. And here's where the pain kicks in. That I'm only human. I don't get to lock the memory of your perfect existence, of your beautiful voice with me. I'm sorry. But it's fading away. I try to hold on to it. But I'm not strong enough. I dont know how long forever will be but I will make sure you last forever. I wish I hadn't lost the time I had with you. But that's the story of our lives, right? We don't realize what we've lost till it's eternally gone. But the true happiness you were able to give me. The way I greived for not being with you, was more strong and infinite that anything I'll ever feel. The way it made me feel so alive, is a way no other thing can ever make me feel. I dont know what love is. I dont know if it is good or bad. Hell, I don't even know if it exists. But I think it completes you. I think I love you. And I miss you. Which is funny, because I never really had you."

Elaine wrote in her journal as the silent tears kept falling down her cheeks. She felt empty inside. Hollow. She could laugh just fine. She did all her assignments. She did well in her debate club. She achieved what she had desired, but as she became headgirl, as she got a scholarship at school, she didn't reach the high she had expected. All the stuff she had once fancied with a passion was now a subtle want. Her true desire was lost and the hollow feeling of loss swelled inside her. 

She made a mistake a year ago, and that was a cue to all the mistakes she made consequently. She fell in love. With someone she didn't know. But this was innocent, platonic love; the worst kind. 

She let it pass as an obsession. As a teenage crush. She never approached him. He definitely deserved better than me, was her defense when her friends urged her forward. So she lived through the pain day after day. The pain of watching him from a distance. Where he stood with a group of friends. Smiling down at the the best blonde in the school. A typical conventional beauty. But Elaine wasn't jealous of her, she pitied her. Because the blonde would be another one of the petals that fall off the flower. It would not be wrong to say that Ian was a player. Not the kind of player who sleeps around with girls and moves on once he is done with them. But the kind of player that just couldn't find the right person. He'd make all the girls fall for him, but would not return the love. 

This was another reason Elaine never approached Ian, she did not think she could live through his rejection. It would surely kill her. Elaine thought she could know no more pain until one day, she went to school. The butterflies in her stomach erupted as she walked through the football court. Ian was always there, playing football at 8 in the morning. But when she did not locate his perfect face determined, and his shiny hair flying as he ran after the ball, Elaine's mood fell visibly. She did not see Ian all day. He had probably skipped school. She felt miserable because he wasn't there. Then she felt more miserable for feeling miserable. 

As she walked to the lunch table with a packet of chocolate milk in her hand, Elaine heard something she probably would not forget for the rest of her life. 

"Ian has his flight today," the perfect blonde said, "but I'm not upset, he is enrolled in the best Canadian university and will obviously be in touch with me. See, he loves me? We met last night, just before he left and he gave me..." here was where Elaine tuned out. The tears stinging her eyes, threatening to pour. She scurried out of the lunch room, dropping the milk on her way. She hurried inside the girls restroom before breaking down. Collapsing on the cold tiled floor as sob after sob ripped her chest, the only thing Elaine could think about was that he was gone. She had lost him, even though she never had him.