Last Stop

Chapter thirty

Her hug seems warm and cold at the same side as I stand frozen in the driveway. Mark has taken Lola and Justin inside. Millie stands, still in her coat, watching her sister with wide eyes. Spencer is standing frozen by my side as well. He probably gathered she is my mother by now but I am not sure what she is doing here and why. She was not supposed to be here until January.

"What are you doing here?"

"I have come to take you home for Christmas of course!"

"Home?" It's Spencer's voice and it is quiet and I feel my gut tightened at the betrayal I hear in it. "Why would you be going home?"

My mom seems the only one capable of unfreezing. "That has always been the plan, I get better and then Cameron comes home." I wish she would stop talking or I was able to shake my head at least so Spencer doesn't think I am a willing participant to this plan.

I am only able to see Spencer's expression and it tightens my chest unbearably.

"Spencer-"

"-It's fine, I should go home." I open my mouth but Spencer is shaking his head and pulling his phone out to call his brother. I want him to stay but I am not sure I know what to say to him. I barely know what is going on. Maybe it is better that he goes home, thinks the worst of me because I didn't tell him about the potential of leaving and right now it feels like he deserves to be mad at me and I don't deserve him.

Something a lot like the fear and smallness I felt all those years ago comes creeping back inside. I feel resigned to my fate before I even know what it is. Maybe all I get is my mom and I. The happiness and safety I have felt is not for people like me.

"Okay." My words seem to crush him further but he nods and walks away to speak on the phone. My mom hugs me again and I return it this time, trying my hardest not to look at Millie.

"you could have warned us you were coming." Millie says eventually eyeing my mother who pulls away from me "The kids have school and Cameron has work-"

"-Aren't you happy to see me?!" Mom demands , frowning in her direction" I came all the way from New York to surprise you."

"Mom, we are just surprised."I say gently "Are you staying for Christmas?"

"No we can go home, I have a job working at a café and we can go home." My stomach tightens again. She wants to leave so soon.

"Why don't we all go inside and talk about it?" Mille asks, wrapping her arms around herself, tears gathering in her eyes. She hasn't seen her sister for 18 years.

"What is there to talk about? Cameron is coming home with me. There is a bus and a flight in an hour."

She has already booked the escape route.

Suddenly the world starts spinning as I see the stars, my breath feels locked up in my chest and the ground rushes up to meet me. I don't know who screams but I am laying on the cold, hard ground, struggling to breath when Millie knees beside me.

"Breath, Cameron, follow my breath." I listen to her as she guides me through the breathing exercise. Feelings my body slowly start responding, my lungs allowing more air in as I follow her breaths. She waits until I am breathing properly before allowing me to sit on the porch, Spencer has rushed to my side phone hanging limply in his hands as he watches with worry.

My mom is watching looking helpless and confused. 

"What happened?" She demands accusingly at Millie "what is wrong with him."

"He just had a panic attack," Millie exclaims quietly watching my mother. "I think things are moving too fast, you can't appear and uproot his life like this."

"His life is back in New York, we don't belong in this godforsaken town."

"Macie-"

"You can't take him away from me!" I can hear the panic slowly mounting in her voice. It has always been her fear, that others would take me away from her but I always wondered why it scared her? Did she love me or did she realise I was the only one who cared if she lived or died. The only one waiting up for her and worrying about her. But when I am here I never have to worry about Millie or Mark. They never behave irrationally or go into silent wars on themselves.

Suddenly I feel like maybe it is worth it, being here putting myself first is worth it.

"I am not trying to Macie but let's go inside for warmth and have a cup of tea and talk about it, Christmas is just around the corner-"

"We can be back home for Christmas." The idea that I had built up in my mind of Christmas morning here no matter how silly it was comes crashing down in an instant and I look at Millie who looks stressed and a little annoyed and then to Spencer who is watching wide eyed. His green eyes meet mine and I see that dream reflected back at me.

"I want to stay." The guilt is instant and I can't meet anyone's eyes, least of all my moms as the silence rings in the cold and I clutch my hands together, ringing them as I try get the words out " I-I want to stay."

"What are you talking about Cameron, this was the plan , I came to surprise you, so we can be home for Christmas."

My hands hurt from clenching them in fists, trying to quell the shake in them as I remember to breath. I know this was the plan and maybe a few months ago I would have gone with it.  But I have a different life now, one that doesn't revolve around worrying and watching and waiting for everything to collapse before me. I catch Spencer's eyes, the worry in them, the confusion. I remember when I first came and he didn't want anything to do with me. If I go back now, if I leave he would have had a reason to be cautious. I would forever remain the city asshole. 

"I am home." It comes out soft but in the silence of the snow and surroundings it is heard and my mom narrows her eyes, I can see the barely concealed rage that I saw occasionally back in New York. She has a temper. 

"Cameron, this is ridiculous, I am your mother, you need to come back with me."

"He said he doesn't want to!" Spencer says moving to stand a little next to me, I appreciate it but I do not want him involved in this. 

I see the wheels in my moms head turning as she looks between us before she sighs "There will be other boys in New York, ones with more experience and better prospects. "

Spencer bristles but I put a hand on his arm to stop him from fighting back like I know he wants to. 

"Lets go inside and we can talk this through." Millie pleads again and eventually my mom relents. Headlights flood the driveway before we can move and I see Spencer's brothers in the farm pickup truck. They look ready for a fight and seemed puzzled by my hand on Spencer and his closeness to my side. Clearly they wanted to fight me. 

"Urgh." Spencer is torn, I can see he wants to go inside with us but also he called his brothers to take him home and if he doesn't go he will face their wrath. 

"It is fine Spencer, you can go and I will call you later okay?"

He eyes my mother who has paused on the porch, watching us. "You sure? I can ask my brothers to wait?"

I snort, that will not go down well. "Yes, I will be fine."

He nods, standing up on tip toes to place a kiss on my cheek that has us both turning red before muttering out a goodbye and running towards the vehicle. Trying once more to calm my breaths I turn, there is a lot to be discussed.