Last Stop

Chapter thirty seven

The flight back is quiet. Slowly I feel things falling right inside me but the devastation is real. That my mom relapsed and that trust I so cautiously gave has been shattered once more.

I don't think I will ever be able to trust her again. This new heart break is almost consuming as I stare out the window. Lola is next to me lost on her iPad. Justin, Mark and Millie a row over.

I am relieved to leave New York behind but it sits like a bitter failure in my chest. One that eases slightly as I breath in the fresh country air. Snow has fallen and it is cold but I don't mind . Like a cool balm on my irritated soul. I feel guilty for feeling relieved. For preferring it here. Grateful I am back but guilty as the  cost of my comfort is still sitting largely on my chest.

"I think we should stop for dinner. I don't feel like cooking." Millie exclaims as we pile the things into the car . She reaches over and draws me into a side hug. "You are home now Cameron, with us."

I nod but say nothing as we climb in the car and the drive home begins.

I think of everyone I left behind. My dad who I barely know. My friends from school. And Spencer. He hates me now. No doubt. Another knife to my chest. 

School starts on Monday and I am nervous as anything. Feeling once more that I have messed it  all up. I do not deserve their forgiveness. Their friendship. 

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I am woken up by the doorbell. My nerves feel severed and I am on edge. Like I am waiting for the next thing to go wrong and take away the small comfort I get from being back here. From the familiar smells and peace.

There are voices downstairs and I hear the progression up the stairs.

Next there is a knock on my door and I want to bury myself in the blankets because whoever it is means interaction. Facing up to the consequences of leaving.

"Cam?" Audrey's soft voice filters through the door. " Can I come in?"

"Okay." I mutter after a prolonged silence. I don't think she will take no for an answer.

She appears in sweats and a baggy hood. Dark circles under her eyes. The appearance makes me sit up in bed.

"Are you-"

She waves a hand "-I am fine, just haven't had a lot of sleep. You worried us."

I frown. This is because of me? The guilt eats away at me as she comes and sits at next to me on the bed. 

"When Spencer told us you leaving and then not even a week later your uncle calls his dad frantic and trying to make arrangement to head out of town...well let's just say we have all been holed up at Spencer's in worry."

"You guys must hate me." I say voicing my fears because I know Audrey gets it. She must get it, this guilt of being a burden, of messing everything up so that no one likes me. I am a disaster and everyone is better off leaving me.

"Hate you?" She shakes her head. "Spencer read your letter to us."

I frown because that was personal "don't be mad at him. It helped explain a lot of things."

"Is -is everyone downstairs?"

She shakes her head. "No, I told them it wasn't a good idea to bombard you even though David wants a 'word' and Ann is ready to take on a crusade for you."

The two extremes. She rolls her eyes and it causes me to smile. They still want to be a part of this mess. 

"How are you feeling?" I shrug because with all the feelings inside of me I don't know how to narrow it down to one and she nods.

"You know you can pull through this."

"How?" I ask leaning against my head rest. " It took a lot to come here and start over and then to leave, trusting my mom once again  and then all that shattered and with it I feel like I shattered and I am not sure how to do it again. If I even have the strength."

There are tears in her eyes as she reaches over and tugs at my hand.

"When I-well when I had to move on from the abuse, from all those feelings of rejection and discomfort and honestly hating myself- well, the only thing that helped was you guys. Just one step at a time. Doing the small things like school projects and movie nights. They slowly built me up inside till I started feeling like my old self. The self before ...him." She shivers and I squeeze her hand.  "So I think you need to give yourself a break and get out of your head. Just take it one day at a time."

"You sound like a Pinterest post."

She smiles and I give her a small one back as we sit in silence for a bit.

"But seriously, I don't think Specks brothers will forgive you very easily if you make Spencer so upset again."

I cringe "are they mad?"

"-Well Spencer-"

"-read them the letter?" I say with a sigh and she nods to my shaking head. That boy runs on his own tracks.

"Yeah, well it calmed them down."

I nod running my free hand down my face.
"So what now?"

"Lucky you asked!" She smiles jumping up. "You need to shower, dress comfortable and come with me."

"Umm..."

"It is all pre-approved!" She says gesturing downstairs. 

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" I ask hugging myself. Worrying about everyone's reaction upon seeing me, worried about seeing Spencer and having to relive the awful things I said to him. I want to crawl back in bed and not face them or the world. 

"Come on, we should get this over with, you are only building it up in your mind."

I nod once then again as if to reconfirm with myself. "Fine, I will meet you downstairs. I need to shower."

"Fine but do not take too long, I think Spencer is very anxious to see you."

My stomach curls at her words and so I nod not able to quite pick up the words. He is worth staying for, he is worth it all. I hope I haven't messed that up.

Am I so lucky that all the people I left have forgiven me? That they are not mad at me and instead are willing to be my friends again?