Last Stop

Chapter thirty two

Christmas is nothing like I expected it to be, the mood is dull. I watch as if in a trance, opening presents, drinking cocoa. Millie presenting a present for my mom who looks surprised but pleased none the less. I watch as we all get told to pose for a picture. I am numb and yet, determined. I need to be whole. After lunch I slip out, thick blue envelope clutched in my hands. 

The drive is short but I arrive at the ranch and knock on the door. 

"Cameron, what are you doing here?"Mr Rue is wearing a very ugly Christmas sweater with strobe lights that hurts your eyes. 

"Urr, sorry to disturb your Christmas sir, but I wondered if I can talk to Spencer for 5 minutes."Mr Rue chuckles shaking his head.

"You boys." He turns and yells for Spencer, I swallow my throat thick with emotion.  He turns back to me "Would you like to come in? " I shake my head, unable to fully talk and he shrugs "I heard your mom came to town, must be weird, but I am glad you are staying." The lump grows bigger as I clutch the letter in my hands. 

Spencer appears, same sweater, he is beautiful, even in the awful colours. His grin widens s he spots me. 

"Cameron! You are just in time for pudding, you want to join?"

Mr Rue disappears into the house, leaving me with Spencer. I shake my head before handing him the envelope. 

"Cameron, are you alright?" I nod then shake my head and his face draws on a frown. "What is wrong, you can talk to me!"

"I have to leave." I manage out, my voice tight and scratchy. "I am going back to New York later today."

"What you mean? For a visit? Right?" His voice is shaky and I shake my head, tears are instant as they crowd his eyes, one stray falling over his perfect cheek. "But you said you wanted to stay."

"I-I need to be with my mom now, I explained everything in the letter." I nod to the one in his hand. "But I needed to come say goodbye."

He shakes his head "No, you can't be leaving we just started- you were meant to stay."

"Spencer don't make this more difficult than it has to be, "I nod to the letter "Read that tomorrow, I have to go."

I turn to walk away but he stops me, hand stopping me in my path "So this is it? this is how you end things?"

"It is better this way."

"For who?"

I eye him, seeing the love, the determination and the disbelief so I do the only thing that will get him to let go.  "You are not worth staying for." He reels back as if I have physically punched him and I might as well have.  I turn before I can change my mind and take back my words. He deserves better, someone who isn't broken. 

"But you are." I stop, not turning around but pausing. His next words are choked and I know he is holding back sobs, my heart clenches "If I am not enough of a reason, fine, we are just some stupid highschool fling." I hate that he says that because he is so so much more than that, he gave me this hope, that I could have this life and be happy. "But what about you, do you not think you deserve to be happy, to have the life you built here?"

"I am doing this for me." I say into the stillness and I can almost feel him shaking his head. 

"I don't think you are."

I leave before he can say anything else, I do not need convincing, I made my decision. This is going to be fine. I will be with my mom, she has grown and changed. She is new and we deserve a story, a good story. I have spent enough years agonizing over the painful one we had. Those memories need to be replaced with new, better ones. 

The journey is quick, my mom talks the whole way about the new life we are building, about the things we can do and see. The small riding glove sits quietly in my pocket. Lola was so mad she refused to hug me, but the second before I walked out the door there was a small, pink riding glove slipped into my hand. Justin was crying and Millie and Mark just looked on with watery smiles. I think the lump in my throat hasn't gone away and as we touch down in New York it bubbles once more. 

"Come on Cameron, lets go get a taxi."

The streets are thick with people and rain, everything is loud and noisy and filthy. The minute I step out of the taxi I feel like my head is going to explode. Mom smiles, lifting her head to the skyscraper "Home." I feel the falsity in that statement , but maybe it is the same has when I arrived in the country side, the unfamiliar is not home yet. But we are going to build that home. 

Together. 

Our apartment hasn't changed much. It smells stale and honestly revolting. We both stand in the doorway looking around, moms hands on her hips. 

"Right, well you go unpack and I will open some windows, this place needs a spring clean." Hope fills me once more, the old mom would never clean, never even suggest it. 

"Mom, what do you want to do for dinner?" The money Mark gave me weighs in my pocket, I didn't want to take it but he insisted, saying it is to last until the next paycheck of my moms. It is more than that.  More than enough for a few months. 

"Why don't we order in? I think I have some cash-"

"- I will, I have some of my allowance left." Something in me tells me to lie about the money, just for now, just while things are new. 

"Okay, " She smiles at me, her hands reaching for my cheeks "We can do this Cammy, we have got this." I nod, the lump in my throat preventing me from saying anything further. 

I hope she is right. I hope we have got this because otherwise I am not sure I can survive. Not sure I have any fight left in me after this second chance.