Last Stop

Chapter thirty three

It has been three days and I can't say the crowded streets have become a thing I now enjoy. In fact, I hate it. Everyone bursting into my space.

"Cameron, this way." Mom tugs us into another crowded taco shop and I take a deep breath, filled with oil and fat. Sweat and babies crying. I feel claustrophobic.

"Baby what is wrong?"

"I am just feeling hot." I say pulling the sticky shirt away from my torso. It is cold on the streets but I am sweating as if it is the middle of summer. "What are we doing in here?"

"Aren't you hungry?" She pulls out the money she received after her first shift yesterday and points to the menu "Chose something."

"I am not really hungry." My stomach as been queasy ever since we stepped outside the apartment. Besides, I had some eggs for breakfast. Apparently my moms number one bonding thing to do is feed me. My appetite has all but disappeared as I think about the Mrs Rues lasagna and Marks French toast. I miss farm food and the rich flavor it brings.

"Come on, what about one taco?" I eye the group of teenagers shoving tacos down and I think I want to vomit so I shake my head as the waft of frying meat hits me.

"No, thanks, I think I am going to wait outside." I push through the crowd into the cool air outside but it doesn't help much, there are still so many people. I take a deep breath, trying my best to stop this jittery, uncomfortable feeling in my bones. Like a part of me just wants to take flight.

"First time in New York?"

I look to the side, seeing a teenager leaning casually against the side of the building, smoke billowing from the vape in his hands. I see Lola, her scrunched up face at the thought, her exclamation of judgement.  I miss her, I miss home. The thought is unsettling in my mind, this is my new home and I have to get used to it. My original home.

"No, just haven't been here for a while."

"Long holiday in the country?"

"Something like that," I glance inside to see my mom ordering. "You live here?"

"I was born here," He sighs, taking another vape, offering me but I shake my head and he shrugs. "But I see people close to panic attacks all the time, usually tourists."

"Yeah well, I guess I didn't miss the crowds."

"Maybe you are just not meant to live here." The lump in my throat bubbles up and he gazes at me searchingly. "Did I touch a nerve?"

"No," I shrug, thinking how I am talking to this stranger willingly when before, the old New York me wouldn't have given him the time of day. I would just push on with my daily business. Not bothered by a random guy, not bothered by the crowds or the people. Loving the anonymity of it all, being able to be completely lost in a barrage of others. "Maybe, just not sure if I made the right choice coming back."

He grins "Well only one thing can tell you if you have."

"Oh yeah? what is that?"

He shrug "You, obviously." He laughs after that and disappears into the crowd and I swallow. Me. Why does it always come down to that. Why can't someone tell me, instruct me on what is best for me, without prejudice or agenda.  Instead I am left to decide, wondering if every choice I make is just another mistake. 

"I got you a coke, you look pale." Mom thrusts a cold coke in my hands which I gratefully gulp down as she takes a bite of her taco.

"Want to go ice skaiting?"She asks and I shrug because why not, we are trying to do all the things we missed out on and ice skating sounds fun.

+

Panic grips me when I come home from a short run a few days later and my mom is no where to be seen. Everything is still and silent, rushing to my room I head to my stash, the money is still there, my heart settles a little but my breathing still feels forced. I head to the kitchen grabbing a glass of water and waiting, wondering if I should call someone?

As if reading my thoughts my phone rings with a video call and I look down to see Aunt Millie's face appearing. I accept the call, it is better than worrying. There is probably a very logical explanation for my moms absence.

"Hi Aunt Millie."

"Cameron! You just come back from a run?"I nod and she smiles before frowning a bit as her eyes track what I assume is my profile "You look very pale and worried, everything alright there?"

I nod, my hand clutching the glass in my hand. The old worry threatening to bubble in my chest. I want to spill it all to Aunt Millie who is always there, was always there, but it seems unfair to rat out mom when she could be at the store for all I know. Or with one of her new waitress friends. Besides she had a visit with her therapist just yesterday and seemed to be doing well. This is our new start and I need to let her have the benefit of the doubt.

"Yeah, just tired, we have been doing a lot of activities everyday." She is silent for a second before nodding, I am not sure I convinced her but she moves on to another topic, telling me that Lola has taken over some of my farm chores and Justin has asked about me everyday since I left. I smile at that, I too miss the kid.

"Can I talk to them?"I ask wanting to see their faces but Aunt Millie shakes her head and my stomach sinks.

"Sorry Love, Mark took them out for some icecream, even in the cold."She shakes her head in mock disapproval. "Have you spoken to your school about restarting there after the break?"

I shake my head "I was thinking of doing that later."

She pauses before asking the question she has wanted to ask since the beginning. "How is your mother?"

"Good, she is going to her job and going to therapy."

Millie nods "Your friends were over here yesterday it seems that Spencer only told them yesterday about your absence and they were very upset."

I want to cry. I swallow it down along with the threatening worry that bubbles with each minute mom doesn't walk through the door. Sober.

"I am sure they will move on."

"Oh Cameron, you are not that easy to forget, you brought a lot of light to this town, even if you do not think you did." I don't think I brought any light, my presence was broody and on the edge of everyone else. I didn't belong there, I don't belong here. The frightening thought bubbles to the surface. That I do not belong anywhere, doomed to roam around without a place or a purpose. I try shake the thoughts but they cloud around like bad memories. These are just my negative thoughts. Not the truth. I hope to convince myself one day. 

"Cameron?" I shake myself out of the thoughts. Millie is looking at me with concern "You can always come back, whenever you need, all you need to do is-"

"-I am fine."I nod at myself and then at her "It just takes a little adjusting."

"If you are sure," again she does not sound convinced. "Well, I better go, we are setting up for all the towns new years celebrations."She says goodbye and hangs up, leaving me in a quiet apartment with a horrible feeling deep within.

Mom comes back an hour later, saying she was out for coffee with Becky and settles down to watch a movie with me. After looking for any signs of drugs I finally settle next to her, my body relaxing. This is our new chance.