Last Stop

Chapter thirty eight

The air is refreshing and since leaving New York I can breath better. The tightness in my chest has eased slightly, even if my fingers are jittering with the anxiety of seeing everyone. Audrey drives us to the Rue farm and with each mile closer I am more nervous. Will they want explanations? How well can I explain the need to believe my mom. It still sits deep inside of me. How do I explain this hole that seems to never cease to exist. My unworthiness. 

"Relax," Audrey smiles at me in a comforting way and I try to reciprocate but I am not sure it comes across as anything other than wobbly as we jump out of the car. " They are  all just excited to see you."

As if to prove her point the front door opens and they all come piling out, lead by Spencer who seems to fly down the stairs and suddenly I am squashed into a hug. It takes me a minute before I am gripping his back and breathing him in. I missed him probably more than he knew. 

The others follow and we are one giant group hug. The Rues are all there, along with Julia who once her sons have greeted me folds me into a hug before pulling away. 

"Would you like some lasagna?" It is this sentence, along with all the other smiles and hugs that break me and tears are flowing down my cheeks in steady succession. Mrs Rue tactfully sends everyone inside to 'set up' what ever that means. Spencer is the only one left and he grabs onto my hand as Mrs Rue brings me into another hug.

"We are so sorry about your mom Cameron." She says with feeling. "and we are here for you."

I nod because I know, they have proved again and again that they are here for me. I let Spencer lead me inside once my tears have dried. My chest easing slightly as he sits next to me. The food is amazing, the company incredible and when it is time for me to head home I feel warm, heavy and happy. I could curl up and sleep for a hundred years. Safe.

Spencer walks out with me, Audrey tactfully staying behind as we walk into the night, he hasn't let go of my hand once the whole evening as we pause by the car. I stand to face him.

" I am sorry Spencer." The apology is lame but it is owed. I have so many more things to apologise for so much more elaboration to give. 

He reaches up, green eyes fitting with mine. "You did what you thought was best for you."

"But it wasn't and I messed everything up. I am a mess. You are worth more than this, than me." Tears fill his eyes as he shakes his head, grip tightening around my hand. 

"You are a mess, a mess because you don't always share when you feel sad, sometimes you are a mess because your locker is filled with piles of books and I have seen your room before cleaning day. You are a mess because sometimes you think you have to do all this alone but you are also so so whole because of all those things, so human and full of all the inadequacies we all think are  all of our characters. When in reality they are tiny specks in the grand scheme of things. You are all the other things too."

I almost choke at my next words "What things?"

"You are light, when others are in darkness you hold a light and guide them to the truth of their own strength, you are fascinating, your kindness knows no bounds. You are a great friend and you always do your best." I want to protest but he shakes his head " You may not see all this but we do and we are going to try our best to show you how incredible we think you are, but do me a favour?"

"Anything."

"Love all of you, learn to forgive what you believe you are responsible for and let go of all the things you can't control because here and now you have another shot at the life you want."

I swallow at his words, nodding as tears gather again and he smiles, not even realising the impact his words have as he leans up on tip toes and places a gentle kiss on my lips. His lips are cold and the contact is brief but it fills my body with heat. He still wants to be here, with me.He still wants this. Us.

"With your help I can."

"You have it." I reach to cup his face, loving  the feeling under my fingers as I stroke his jaw. 

"I missed you."

He colours and it sends spark's into my chest. I lean down, capturing his lips, it is indescribable when he responds, supple lips move beneath mine and I smile into the kiss. I want this. This, life where my friends see the best in me and I learn to forgive my mess because it is a part of me but not all of me. Just a part and not the part I have to focus on. Not when there is so much more to look at and grow. So much to learn and so many people willing to help. 

There are more apologies to utter, more explanations to give. 

I know it will take time but for once in my life I have it.