Last Stop

Chapter twenty

I have never felt the third degree, in fact I have heard about it many times when kids in my grade would complain about their parents lectures but I have never been on the receiving end of it. It feel just as crappy as I imagined.

"-I mean, to think that you could have died out there, in the middle of the cornfields halfway to the next town if that dog hadn't found you." Millie is upset and she is letting me know, Mark is sullen by her side "no message no nothing and you left us to worry and then-" She stops, collapsing on the armchair as Mark takes over.

"I hope you understand why you are grounded for the next week?" I nod "I know that these last few months have been rough, Cameron but we are here for you, we care and that means you can't just run off like that." That is when the tears start and he sighs, they both flank my side as I try explain through sobs what I am going through.

"I think I might burst with everything that is going on in my head and in my chest." I say taking a deep breath, "In New York I dealt with fear, it was part of my every day life but this fear, the fear that I am loved and that I won't be able to return that love is something that hurts. "I sob, sinking further into the couch "How can anyone truly love something as broken as me? How can I walk into two new children's lives and crush their dreams of what an older brother should be. "

I look into their eyes, both filled with tears and sadness. There is so much pain in them and what is worse is that I feel like the pain in me is multiplied by a hundred "I don't know how to live with so much happiness because I don't deserve it. I can't give it back. Not now. Not ever."

"Oh, Cameron." Millie says pulling me in with a sob "You deserve all the love in the world and I am sorry you feel otherwise." She sighs, running a hand down my head "Mark and I love you to the moon and back and want you to stay with us, heal with us. In the past few months we have seen you laugh and smile and change, growing each day. You might not realise it but you are kind, caring and such a loveable and loving person."

I shake my head because I know I am not, I wouldn't be so willing to leave my mom in New York if I was, I wouldn't be willing to bring Spencer into my private life if I was. I would keep to myself and save those around me the pain.

"Son, you deserve to feel as whole as you are because you are not broken." Mark says pulling me closer and I feel like they are trying to glue me together, only I just keep breaking.

I do not know how long we stay like that, but eventually the tears dry up and Mark helps me up to bed, telling me to rest and that they will talk about this further tomorrow when everyone feels better. I go to bed my chest heavy and my eyelids raw. Never before have I felt so lost, even when I would wonder the streets of New York looking for my mom to bring her home. Then I was fighting for something and now it feels as if there is no fight left in me.

The next morning Millie and Mark are waiting for me at the dining room table, handing me a coffee and telling me to take a seat. I do, heart clenching in anxiety as they speak about me getting someone to talk to, assuring me that it doesn't show my weakness but will hopefully allow me to get some strength back, to start loving myself in a way I deserve. I am so grateful to them and if they think it will help then I am willing to give it a try. After that they let me lounge in front of the tv before informing me that I am still grounded for worrying them like that, meaning I will miss the prom and date with Spencer, which I was looking forward too but I understand my punishment so I do not argue, especially since they give me a new phone with the same number and I am able to chat to Spencer as much as I like, assuring him that I am fine and alive.

When my mom calls the next day I am silent, not sure what to tell her, luckily after the third time sneezing I am able to convince her that I have a cold, not untrue, a she hangs up with the promise to call soon.

I sigh, letting my phone fall against the sofa as I collapse there myself. I have never felt more alone and yet more loved. The knowledge is comforting. The days seem to go by without even me noticing after than. I lay on the couch, did catch up work and played endless games with both Justin and Lola. Thankfully I introduced them to games other than go fish and snakes and ladders. Lola has been friendlier than ever, she no longer scowls at me through dinner or ignores my questions. In fact she has even actively started a conversation with me that didn't begin with "Why are you here."

I smile down at my phone when I see Spencer and Anna sending me goofy texts it is Thursday evening and they are both at Spencer's place, Audrey is going to join them later for a pre-prom night movie night. Since seniors get tomorrow off before the dance Spencer's parents said that we could all stay over and get ready together. I am feeling a slight case of fomo when they send a selfie picture but then I remember that it is better to stick this grounding out. Not wanting to cause anymore trouble with my aunt and Uncle.

"You feeling better?" Millie asks me walking in with Justin tagging behind her looking quite forlorn.

"Yes, much better, thank you."

"I think you are the only grounded teenager who thanks their captures." She laughs sitting down next to me and pulling Justin on her lap. I assume the band-aid on his leg is the reason he is so sad. I have learnt better than to ask. It just brings more tears and drama.

"I messed up." I say shrugging "It feels better than being the one on the other side of the person who messed up."

"I am trying to be mad at you here, "Millie says with a chuckle "But I can't, you are the perfect prisoner."

I smile, ruffling Justin's hair and offering to go and play ball outside with him. The smile is instantaneous. "Spencer called and Anna and Audrey, then even Spencer's father, your father and Spencer's brother, David I think it was." I pause at the door, causing Justin to tug at my hand. "They were vowing to do time for you, I had offers of three teenagers doing dishes and chores around the house and farm, I had an almost adult pledge to not leave your side. I had Spencer's dad promising to keep you so busy on the farm that you forgot how to drive far distances and I had your father saying it was all his fault."

My heart warms, beyond anything I have ever felt before and I swallow, not wanting the tears to start again.

"They all wanted you at the dance." She smiles softly, almost guiltily "But your Uncle and I thought it best if you remain here until we get someone to help you."

I nod, trying to understand the disappointment and I do. "I understand."

"Come on!" Justin yells and I chuckle, swallowing once again the emotions that threaten to come up. Turns out having a four year old keeping you occupied is a great distraction.