Last Stop

Chapter thirty one

I wake up feeling exhausted, the night filled with bad dreams and boogie men.  Somehow Millie and Mark convinced my mom to stay the night but she refused anything other than the couch. Saying she did not want to get comfortable because we would be leaving soon. 

With a day to Christmas I feel like my heart might explode, doubts about whether this will work, my mother has legal guardianship of me now that she is out of the rehab Centre, so I will have to go with her if she insists, but I want to stay and I had hoped that she would see that I belong here and let me stay. Heading downstairs I stop at the scene in the kitchen, Mark is silently making pancakes, my mom is sitting and staring at Lola with a cup of coffee clutched in her hands. Lola is staring back and they seem to be having a silent eye battle between them.  

I clear my throat and their eyes snap to us, my mom smiling and Lola giving me her usual once over. 

"Hey Cameron, so I  called the airline and they agreed to transfer the tickets to this evening, we can leave after lunch."

I am surprised by her forethought, she would never have managed to do this, organize something outside her next fix. A small candle like hope sparks inside of me. Maybe this time is really different. She is different. I try imagine having a mother like Millie, one who is on top of things, organized, willing to go all out for her kids. For years I have wanted to spend the holidays with my mom doing all the cool Christmas things that New York has to offer. The little day dream takes flight in my soul.

"What if I just go back for Christmas and then I can come back for the next term?" I ask the Kitchen and Lola huffs, taking her pancakes and hot chocolate and leaving for the dinning room. Mark is silent as he hands my mom a stack of pancakes, she starts eating immediately and I watch her hunger with curiosity. It is odd to see her eat. 

After a few mouthfuls she looks at me, I have taken a seat across from her, Mark has handed me a coffee and I wonder where Millie is. She is usually up by now, Mark seems to read the Question in my heads and nods to the stairs. I think she is staying away from this scene for as long as possible. Her and her sister do not exactly see eye to eye. 

"Cameron, your school expects you to return, we can do so many things together now that I am better, we can go to all the markets and maybe take a trip to Rhode island and on Spring break we can head to Florida or somewhere warm!"

I eye her, the enthusiasm rolling off her in waves. 

"What about a job?" I ask because even though my heart is hoping my head is practical. 

"One of the ladies in rehab owns a cafe, she said I could get a job there, waitressing and potentially move up to manager! It is good money and she can be my sponsor."

 I hate that joy fills me. I hate that I nod, wanting to be with her, so bad. I want her, this, to work. I want to be together. Want to show her the progress I made in school, in life. In character. I want to trust her. 

"How do I know I can trust you, this?" I ask, voice wobbling as I try to hold in the emotions that are running through my mind. "I have a life here, friends."

"I know baby," her hands are warm as they cup my cheeks, her deep eyes shining as she looks on imploringly. "But I am better. I did the time."

I nod and she smiles my eyes downcast as I speak. 

"I think I should go back."

There is silence in the kitchen before something drops and shatters, warm liquid pools at my feet, I turn to see Millie in the doorway, her eyes filled with tears and her face white. 

"Don't be so dramatic!" Mom says rolling her eyes at Millie. "This is the right choice, we always knew staying here was temporary."

"What about your friends, school, what about Spencer?" I swallow, all their faces, their joy and laughter. Their love shining through. Then there is Spencer, from the moment I met him he was different. Something that didn't conform, something bright and beautiful. Lovely and Whole. 

I am different I am not whole, I have so many broken pieces to put back together. Maybe this is my chance to do that, to do it with the person who needs to be fixed as well. We can fix this together. We can fix each other. Spencer will understand. He will have a better life because I am not there dragging him down. He will move on. My hearts pangs as I imagine his face, his anger but then I shake it away when I see my mom smile at me, convincing, loving. So so different from the mom I have known all my life. 

"Can we stay for Christmas, please? then I will go back to New York?"

I see my mother doesn't want to but she searches my face before nodding. "If that is fine with Millie."

"Of course," Mark speaks up as Millie nods. I can't look either of them in the eyes. Maybe then they will know my flimsy hope is built on faith and no previous experience, that I am on a fools errand but one I desperately want to work out. They might force me to stay, one well worded sentence and I am staying, when I could be repairing the damage New York left in me. I want to be whole, like everyone here. I want that like fire burning deep in my chest. Maybe this is for me, maybe this is the growing I need.