Half of me was fantasising about the idea of Joe just throwing me, caveman style, on that pool table and having his wicked way with me, while the other half was already realising how hard it could be to get over him if that did happen.
Maybe the mom...
For some reason it was really important to me that I take Sienna on a proper date.
I don't really know why.
That's a lie. I know exactly why. Because despite myself, I've caught feelings. Feelings I am struggling to shake or even quite understand yet. Ten plus years of "monk life" with only an occasional one night stand or short lived fling thrown in will do that to a person.
But I'm pretty sure, if I really dig under the surface - the way I've been trying so hard not to since that first moment I saw Sienna - that I'm starting to fall for her. That I don't actually want this to end.
That, for the first time in forever, since Sam, I've found someone I've allowed myself to get close enough to and actually bond with in order to even consider a relationship. Of course, that thought terrifies me too because the last thing I want to do is hurt Sienna the way I hurt Sam and I don't even know how to be in a relationship anymore. I've only really been in one with Sam and look how that turned out.
But Sienna makes me want to try. She challenges me and I just really like being around her. And I don't think I've developed feelings because of the scenario we've found ourselves in . . . I don't actually think I would have offered to keep her company all the time like this if I didn't already have that want for her festering. I'm a nice guy, but I'm not that nice.
It sounds cheesy as baked feta but it does feel a bit like fate threw us together, that it knew this was meant to happen.
As pretty much a lifelong cynic, it has taken me a lot to even admit this.
And as for the date itself? I wanted to put an official label on it to test myself. To see if it immediately put me into some sort of panicked tailspin.
It didn't. It hasn't.
Obviously, I don't know if Sienna even thinks there's any sort of future for us outside of this beautiful little Greek island we've both happened to find ourselves on at the same time. But if she does? Then maybe, just maybe, we can somehow make it work.
I take her to a cocktail bar on the main strip before dinner. "Why don't we choose each other a cocktail we think the other will like?" I suggest as we scan the menus. It seems like a little game that will be right up Sienna's street.
She looks nervous though. "What if I get it wrong and it's a waste of money?" she frets. I smile reassuringly, reaching out and stroking her arm.
"I have every faith in you."
We take turns to go up to the bar. I choose her a strawberry daiquiri, which according to her is exactly what she would have chosen. After a bit of deliberation she opts for a mojito for me.
"I assumed you like these because they're mentioned in the book," she says bashfully. She's spot on. At the time I started writing 'Thought Clouds" a mojito was the only cocktail I'd ever tasted. I thought it was the ultimate in sophistication at the time. I drank them a lot in my wanky, famous author days back then. I actually only recently re-started appreciating them.
It's only started occurring to me how much of my life I've put on hold thanks to my mistakes of years ago. And this realisation has also been because of the beautiful girl sitting opposite me, smiling anxiously as she waits for my verdict on her choice. She's forced me to face a lot of my demons.
"Good decision?" Sienna asks finally and I notice that I've just been staring at the drink without saying anything.
"Absolutely." I nod, take an emboldened sip (god, it's refreshing) and end up, of course, telling her about my self-imposed break from most things that reminded me of my past. It's actually so nice to be able to just be this honest with someone. I hadn't realised how much I've been holding back from anyone all of these years.
After cocktails we head to a restaurant that, according to several TripAdvisor reviews, has the best baked feta starter out of all the restaurants in the area. When I tell Sienna this she laughs and says "My expectations are probably too high now . . . but I'm excited."
It turns out it is pretty damn good - now I've been converted to the baked feta cause I of course have to try it too - and after white wine and mains we make our way back to our apartments.
But what to do next? I didn't get further in planning beyond drinks and dinner, not sure how long those would actually take. "I'd suggest the pool bar for a couple of drinks but the music they play is appalling," Sienna laughs as if reading my mind. "It's all weird covers of classic songs. Earlier they were playing a dance cover version of 'Creep' by Radiohead." She shakes her head.
We are nearly at the bar and the music starts to filter into our senses. "Wait, is that what I think it is?" I pause.
She also stops to listen. "If you're thinking it's a dance cover version of 'In the End" by Linkin Park, you'd be right. And I cannot listen to them butcher another classic like that." She clasps my hand tighter and pulls me past the bar. "Thank goodness you brought me that prosecco earlier. YouTube Roulette in the apartment it is!"
Time for another Sienna game.
She explains herself as she loads up YouTube on her phone and I open up the prosecco. "I'll randomly choose a song and after we've listened to it, you need to choose a song that comes up in the videos below that one, and so on. You can't just put a new song suggestion into the search box, it has to be on the screen for you to choose it. Make sense?"
I nod, removing the cork from the prosecco as she continues to fiddle about with her phone. "Okay, I've put it into incognito mode otherwise it'll probably just come up with suggestions of all the ridiculous songs I was listening to while I festered in heartbreak and that would be fucking mortifying."
She sits on her bed, leaning against the wall, and pats the space next to her, so I slip down beside her as the first song starts to play.
It's "Respectable" by Mel & Kim.
Sienna's blue eyes twinkle with mischief as she gives me a sidelong glance. "I hate you," I tell her.
"Oh come on, it's a great song," she smiles, nudging me and grabbing the bottle from my hand.
We sit in half-darkness, taking turns to swig prosecco directly from the bottle as we listen to different songs as part of Sienna's little game. I hear tunes I haven't heard in years like "Waiting For A Star to Fall" by Boy Meets Girl and Jermaine Stewart's "We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off."
I question the roulette element to the name of Sienna's game as I don't believe there is one but she just says "shut up, it's a fun name."
And to be fair, it's a fun game too. I'm having a blast.
It's my turn to pick another song and I'm scrolling through the options when a WhatsApp notification slides onto the screen. I don't have to open it to see who it's from or what it says, and my heart sinks into my stomach at the words appearing on the screen. Luckily, Sienna currently has her head in the fridge to retrieve the chocolate and doesn't hear my stifled groan.
Can we talk when you get back from your holiday? I miss you. X
The message, of course, is from her ex.
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What will Sienna think when she sees the message from her ex? They always pop up again like a bad smell don't they!?
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