The show must go on

Chapter 10 - the call

Jade POV

Jesy and Leigh have probably decided it's better for everyone if Perrie and I don't sleep in the same room tonight, which is fine by me. Maybe it helps not being constantly near her, to not have to resist the temptation of touching her all the time.

As Leigh gets into bed next to me, I quickly explain to her why I got so angry and apologise for my outburst. Just as I expected, she just takes me in her arms and gives me a kiss on the forehead. She really is too good for the world.

The next morning, although no one is angry or hurt anymore, the mood is still more tense than usual or even ever. Perrie and I barely look at each other, while Jesy and Leigh don't know how to react or how to break the ice. It was clear that the dynamic between us would be different. They wouldn't believe me, but there's no denying it. This is not how anyone envisioned our first big American tour and it literally eats me up that I am a key reason for the bad vibes. So I pull myself together and put on the fake grin for the outside world in front of my girls, determined to fix the bad mood and save the tour experience for us all. 

And I would almost say I succeed. Perrie and I still avoid each other for the most part, but otherwise we try to be as normal as possible. Even if that means completely pretending to be fine so as not to drag the mood down any further.

They buy my act. We all ignore my still unchanged frail health as I continue to take the pills to suppress it all. I suppress my feelings because it's the best thing for the band, it always has been. It's only in the evening on the tour bus, behind closed curtains, when everyone has been snoring around me for a long time, that I allow the silent tears, which no one actually seems to hear. Everything is going as it should. Until that one phone call.

After the first tour weekend in Los Angeles, we got on the bus. We have a couple of appointments during the day that I can barely make it through. My condition is unchanged, but I hardly care anymore. We've never paused or stopped because being sick isn't really an option. Leigh has been on stage with burned legs, Jesy has performed in a wheelchair, Perrie has been on stage sick quite a few times and I myself have had to perform with a throat infection. We're used to it, we fight it until it doesn't matter any more.

But we don't cancel shows. We basically fight until we drop, which is probably not healthy. In fact, on reflection, it's very unhealthy, but it is what it is. We are popstars in a music world that is largely dominated by men. We had to fight for our place in this industry right from the beginning and finally we are at the well-deserved top. I won't let them take that away from me and us, not after all we've sacrificed and fought for this. 

Little Mix comes first and everything else comes after. And if it means I have to take painkillers to get through the next few weeks and shows. If it means standing next to the love of my life with heartbreak and melancholy for the next few weeks. If it means playing the entire world, then so be it. It will all be worth it at the end of the day, I'm sure of it.

And the girls have pretty much left me alone the last few days too. There have been no more attacks to question my health. No more accusations that I was a drug addict or had relapsed. It almost seemed as if we were all just suppressing me and my problems in order to avoid stress and anger. And I was very grateful for that. I would do anything to escape conversations about myself and my feelings right now.