The show must go on

Chapter 41 - it's okay

Perrie POV

A few minutes after the livestream ended, Jade has already fallen asleep. It's like she's been giving it her all for the past four hours to hang on. To not miss this show. I could see how tired she is, how exhausted she is, even though she actually sleeps almost 20 hours a day by now. But I was selfish in that moment, I was glad she was awake and wanted to be awake to watch the show with me, that I didn't have to watch it all alone. It would have just reminded me too much of why the event is happening in the first place and what happens if it doesn't work out. I wouldn't have been able to bear that.

But honestly, it's not really any better afterwards. I just watch her, on alert for any movement, staring permanently at her chest to check if she's still breathing, even though the machines around her would tell me more reliably if that changed. This has become an anxious habit of mine over the last few weeks though. I can't remember the last time I slept peacefully. But today I'm not just watching her chest, I'm watching her finger, the ring on it. My ring. And I should be beside myself with joy, after all I had planned it many months before and wanted it even longer. But right now the fear prevails that it will never come to a wedding, to our happy end. That it will remain with this promise.

After hours of mental chaos, I decide to give up. I had called Leigh before and then Jesy, but both phones are off, or they just don't answer. But that makes sense, according to Instagram they're having the big after-show party and they're probably having an even more memorable night. And I don't begrudge them, even though I really wish we were there and able to enjoy it all just as much.

So I decide on an alternative, a person I can always call and always do.

"Perrie, is everything all right?" she says after the second ring and admittedly it's a fair question, it is the middle of the night after all.

"Yes I...", I stammer. "Jade and I are engaged," I then say with a sad smile.

"No, no way, are you serious? Oh wow, Perrie, I'm so happy for you guys. How did that happen?" she gloats over the phone, but I can't really join in the euphoria, which seems to be heard.

"Why are you crying? It's good news, isn't it...?", she picks up.

"I...", I start, not knowing how to even explain myself. "I'm scared, Mom...that she won't...that she won't live to see the day," I then admit with a heavy heart.

And that confession is enough to break the dams, to let the tears run, silently, so as not to wake Jade. But honestly, nothing wakes her up so quickly these days. A bonus of the medication. So I can sit next to her and talk on the phone without any problems, without her even noticing. Still, as a precaution, I keep to a whisper while my mum, bless her, stays awake all night to talk to me. She shows understanding, she builds me up and distracts me. She's there for me. And I have never been so grateful to her for anything.

It's not until the early hours of the morning, when I see the sun rising through the window, that I feel confident enough to hang up. I debate with myself whether I should try to get some sleep after all, but as tired as I am, after this eventful night I know it would be futile. It seemed to be the right call, because not half an hour later, Jesy and Leigh come rumbling through the door, looking directly in Jade's direction all guiltily.

"Don't worry, that won't wake her up," I explain with a sad smile before standing up, walking towards both and give them a tight, long hug.