The show must go on

Chapter 15 - bad reaction

Jade POV

I was determined not only to get through the show today, but to give it my all. Or even more. I got through the meet and greet fine, I choked down half a plate at dinner and didn't put down the perfect fake laugh for a second in case there were cameras or fans somewhere.

But the closer the show gets, the more nervous I get. At one point I almost fear I have post-traumatic stress disorder as the tightness in my chest returns. Apparently last shows events have hit me not only physically but also mentally harder than I initially wanted to admit. But I try to stay strong, to not let the panic show and just take a breath. The antibiotics actually help to reduce my symptoms, but they don't seem to be able to do anything about the back pain.

And out of sheer fear of not being able to do perfectly tonight because of that, I quickly swallow one of the painkillers I have left. Today I have to prove that I am not a weak link and give everything so we take the best possible success out of the tour. For us. But most of all for Perrie.

I am so nervous that I can't even sit down at some point. While the other three are still chilling on the couch in our chill room, I keep pacing back and forth, hoping to somehow calm my nerves.

"Babe, why don't you sit back down," Perrie asks me, who has been watching me for some time. But I ignore her.

And before I know it, it's time to go on stage. The fuzzy feeling in my stomach is getting stronger and more penetrating and harder and harder to ignore, but I have to get through it. No excuses. This is my job, my life.

We start as usual with Salute and Power and the first set is over faster than it started. And I gave everything I could give. I changed some notes, danced like I haven't danced in weeks and all the adrenaline in me pushed me through it. But when we are at the first outfit change and I have a second to think, I notice how the uneasy feeling in my stomach has by no means disappeared with the performance, rather the opposite, it only gets stronger. I try not to let it show and to somehow suppress it, but that becomes harder and harder during the second set. The uneasy feeling has now turned into nausea. There's no way I'm going to run off stage to throw up. I'm certainly not going to throw up on stage either. The only thing left for me to do is to swallow everything that tries to come up and carry on as best I can. And until the end of the second set I manage to do that, but once we're backstage, away from screaming fans and cameras in my face, I can't hold back any longer.

"I need a bucket or something," I say to Zach as I'm already starting to gag and he looks at me for a split second before running to return with a bucket. My hands are otherwise occupied at the moment, so I just have to let him hold it while I throw up several times.

"Oh my God, Jade!" screams Perrie, but I wave her off. "It's all right," I say quickly, even though it doesn't feel like it in any way. But there is hardly time for more. In no time we are back on stage and I can just wipe my mouth before the next set starts. Somehow I have to get through this. All my intentions at the beginning of the show are blown away. It's all about survival now. I ignore Perrie's worried looks and continue through the third set.

But with each outfit change, the whole thing repeats itself. I feel sick and throw up in the bucket Zach is holding in front of me by now without me asking for it. By the last break, Paul seems to have noticed.