Chapter Forty-Five - Hate Brings Them Closer

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PAGKATAPOS NILA MAG-ALMUSAL ay naiwan si Renante sa kusina para hugasan ang kanilang pinagkainan. Gusto ni Stacey magprisinta na siya na lang ang gumawa niyon dahil ayon dito ay ngayong araw din ito aalis ng bahay. Kaya lang, tiyak niyang tatanggihan lang nito ang alok niyang tumulong. So she left and secretly peeked inside the room he was using. Nang masilip dito na naka-empake na sa mga bag ang gamit ng lalaki, doon lang siya sinampal ng katotohanan na totoo ngang desidido na itong umalis.

It was only when she realized the gravity of their situation.

Kaya nang umupo siya sa sofa sa salas, doon na siya natulala. Hindi siya makapaniwala sa mga nangyayari.

Hindi ba dapat... sinusuyo niya ako? Hindi ba dapat, nagmamakaawa siya na patawarin ko siya dahil sa ginawa niya sa akin noon? Hindi ba dapat... kulitin niya ako nang kulitin para lang hindi ko na siya iniiwasan?

Her downcasted eyes started rimming with tears.

He said he's not breaking up with me... pero bakit kailangan niya akong iwanan dito sa bahay nang mag-isa? Isn't he worried for my safety at all? Hindi ba niya ako mami-miss? Hindi ba niya ako hahanap-hanapin tuwing gigising siya sa umaga? O bago siya matulog?

Naramdaman niya ang pagdaan ni Renante pero hindi siya nito inabala. Dumeretso ito sa kwarto nang matapos sa gawain sa kusina. Ilang minuto pa ay bitbit na nito ang mga bag nito.

"Ilalagay ko na ang mga gamit ko sa kotse," paalam nito bago lumabas ng bahay.

Tinanaw niya ang bukas na pinto. Ginagawa lang ba niya ito para i-test ako? Is he trying to make me stop him from leaving? Her lips tightened into a straight line. Is he only scaring me that he's going to leave me if I don't forgive him now?

Nakailang pabalik-balik din si Renante para kunin ang mga gamit nito at dalhin sa sasakyan. Hindi siya nito tinatapunan man lang tingin at kita niya sa mukha nito ang kaseryosohan. He didn't look angry. He didn't look sad. He remained unfazed and composed. How he looked right now was only crushing her heart. It was as if, it didn't matter to him at all if he leaves her all alone. 

Until she finally gathered all courage to stand up. Dama niya ang panlalambot ng mga tuhod at binti pero kailangan niyang magpakatatag. Lumabas siya ng bahay at tumayo sa front porch. Pinanood niya ang paglagay ni Renante sa huling mga bag nito sa backseat ng kotse. Walang kagalaw-galaw siyang nanatiling nakasandal sa isa sa mga poste ng front porch. She was hesitating to approach him. It was just so hard to find the words to say because they kept running around. They ran at the back of her mind so swiftly, she was having a hard time to catch them and read what they mean.

She didn't want to say good bye to him. But the same time, she didn't want to stop him from leaving because he was right. What he said earlier were all right. She needed space. These past few weeks, she was avoiding him because she wanted space from him. Para siyang nakakulong sa isang hawla at hindi makakilos nang maayos sa presensiya nito. She always had to pretend in front of him. Kailangan niya siguro palipasin ang nararamdaman niya sa nadiskubre tungkol kay Renante. Maybe, space is all that she needs. Maybe Chicago was right when they sung Hard to Say I'm Sorry...

Maybe it was hard for Renante to say sorry over and over again just to fall on deaf ears.

Maybe it was hard for her to just get over the fact that he wasn't what she loved about him.

Pigil niya ang mga luha habang nakatanaw pa rin sa lalaki. At nang lumingon ito sa kanyang direksiyon, halos pigil niya ang kanyang paghinga. His gaze seemed to tell her that he was waiting for her to run to him, to stop him... They were soft and pleading, then intense... as if they were fighting off an emotion that wanted to spill through his eyes. That small crack in Stacey's heart seemed to grow bigger. Pakiramdam niya ay mas sumaksak sa awang nito kaya mas lalong lumaki ang pinsala sa kanya.

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