Existing at Once

Chapter 13 ~ Who I was supposed to Be

Unknowingly doing the right thing always results in anger or confusion.

For Entia, it was her mental self defense mechanism once again that had struck yet protected her from falling too deep into misery or being too blindly happy.

Though many at this point have gotten hurt because of Entia, and made her seem the cynical malicious person that only just wants a good time, those people are right to believe that.

Of course every person is entitled to their own opinion, but Entia agrees with all the wrong doings she herself committed to all those people and their opinions.

The only reason that she agrees with all those people isn't because of self hate or any negative feelings about herself, it's mainly because those people met the unhealed version of herself.

As usual kept coming and going, and sometimes their purpose relied on either making Entia feel like shit so that they may have grown more mentally strong but also wise.

So as for dear Carolina de La Cruz, it was her time to serve her purpose in Entia life.

After countless times of having gotten into many fights just because Entia couldn't decide if she had feelings for her or to simply just see her as a sister, it was then time for Carolina to face one last final wrath or Entia's wavering emotions .

"So what, just because you can't have me means that you're going to stop being my best friend?"

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"How many fucking people do you need to hurt just so you can feel happy?"

Entia felt the strange sensation that she had heard those words already despite this being the first time she's heard them, but also the pleading feeling of Carolina wanting an explanation for Entia's actions of wanting to finally cut her off.

Entia feeling wrong and nervous for what she's about to say but embraces the persona of confidence to let out, "Yes Carolina, and if you need to be one of those people that I have to cut off to feel more happy and to move onto to the next, then I won't be afraid to go through you.

Bursting now in tears while at the outside of thier eleventh grade English classroom, "what the fuck Entia!? I thought we were sisters!? Now it turns out you've been having feelings for me since what? Middle fucking school, why didn't you tell me before it got to this point? Don't you understand how fucked up this is making me feel, I'm so confused, how am I supposed to process this Entia, you're supposed to be my sister!? My best fucking friend!

"You're supposed to be the one to help me! Why Entia..?"

Carolina now calms down as everyone is looking at them from outside the classroom but says in a soft miserable voice.

"Why are you doing this to me?"

Entia is still thinking how wrong this is, but still proceeds with, "I really can't be sorry for what I'm doing Carolina, but thank you and goodbye for these past ten years of having been in my life."

Now as to why Entia cut her off at this point is because it was also an off and on rushing of emotions Carolina had for Entia, but Carolina never had the strength to admit her feelings for Entia, so at this moment, it was one sided feelings that were being thrown.

And well Entia not being tolerant of there being no honesty, but also her path of finding the right person still being long and needing to be treated, Entia just needed to make sure to have no one in it but her.

Soon after, Entia's path of solitude began to look more leading because in the midst of all this, her reason for cutting off people has always been in her nature, now it was just a matter of finding out why she was doing what she had been doing to many people throughout so many years.

All of eleventh grade to Entia really was then finding the will to live because each passing day was just confusing to her as to why she had to keep cutting off people

"What meaning do I have with this fucked up life of mine if all I do is hurt good people"is what she had to live through at this time for her execptations of people was just simply to say... to be good at communicating.

At this point as well she began to embrace the gambling addict quote "all or nothing",

So then of course she wondered if it was better that if she's so simple yet can't find someone fitting to her life, it was better to just off herself than to continue being in solitude.

But see, if there was someone that could communicate properly what they are feeling, then she'd give her life to them rather than to it being thrown off a cliff.

The solution of this eventually came to her by the red colored hair woman at the bar by being one the right people Entia needed to be emotionally balanced.

But also the solution came from people that will maturely anticipate and accept that Entia needed to be in solitude sometimes to maintain her emotions instead of being falsely projected at someone.

For at times, you can't be helped anymore than you can help yourself.

For you only know yourself better than compared to others.

After this, Entia then determined that her expectations of somebody consisted of the following.

Someone must always be willing to be there for her in the good and the bad, but also to just be there for her in every mental need.

Meaning that Entia could be living in the worst of living conditions, no roof above her head, no food or no luxurious items, nothing.

What really mattered most to Entia is to have someone that would just be there and provide everything she needed without even asking.

And see, that's it for everyone, some people may not realize it, but there will always be some in their lives that will always just be there for you without your asking, that there could come in the form of someone just being a family member a friend, or what Entia always sought out first, in the form of a relationship.

Now don't get Entia confused for someone that had daddy issues, in fact she had a good childhood, that's why this whole story isn't necessarily about her whole life, but about the connections that have hurt her and how they made her the person she is... well in the future

In which again, every person has their own purpose to serve each individual's life.

But as for what Entia is doing, she is burning through each individual's purpose quickly rather than life naturally letting people marinate into her life.

To the Entia being almost released in the the future, this mental mechanism of hers, she didn't considered it neither good or bad though, this was simply her way interaction and searching for the right people so that way she can relish in the idea of fulfilling someone else's selfish desires so long as hers are also fulfilled.

Entia's motive then remained with always hoping to make a friendship or relationship,

So don't be alarmed any further with Entia cutting off more people that are to come because at this point dear reader you should know which Entia prefers to be in a relationship rather than a friendship

Still, either one is welcomed because at the end of the day when Entia lays upon her bed, staring at the ceiling, she just wishes for someone to be there, providing to her every need while she does the same for them.