Closer to You (DISCONTINUED)

11. Akutagawa

🌊Akutagawa🌊

Atsushi left the room, and I leaned back against the headrest with a huff. I told him he wasn't that bad, I thought. But now I treat him like he is?

      I pondered the irony of my actions for a moment. Maybe Chuuya can help. Surely, he's had complicated feelings about Dazai before. I shrugged before deciding to give it a try, standing up to leave the room.

I knocked on the door to Chuuya's room, hearing Dazai's voice answer. "Come in."

"I guess my key should work then," I muttered, holding the card to the door. I heard a click and turned the doorknob.

Inside, my gaze landed on the only bed in the room. "Akutagawa?" His tone had a hint of a question in it.

"Who did you think it was?" I glanced around the room for Chuuya, before I looked over at Dazai again. Over the blanket covering him I saw Chuuya's fiery ginger hair sticking out above. "Ah. There's Chuuya."

"Were you looking for him?"

"Yes, actually."

"I can help you."

I narrowed my eyes at Dazai. He had a hint of the cold look on his face that he wore during my training sessions. This was a dangerous side of Dazai. He just blinked innocently at me, pushing a smile onto his face.

"Very well." I walked to stand in front of him, coughing as I leaned against the closet door behind me. "I wanted to know how Chuuya managed to be on good terms with you, even when you were rivals."

"Is this about Atsushi?" I looked away, coughing as I nodded reluctantly. "Thought so. Well, the truth is Chuuya and I were truly very close... very close, if you know what I mean."

"I don't understand."

"It doesn't matter," he waved a free hand dismissively. "We didn't get along at first. But we soon realized we actually enjoyed being together. We'd still fight but it was always simple to talk out. Tell each other our thoughts, how we feel."

"That... actually helps. I will 'talk it out' with Atsushi when he gets back." I turned, but then remembered something Dazai had said.

"What did you mean, you and Chuuya got 'very close'?"

"Me and that dog? I was kidding! Who'd get close to him?"

"You look quite close right now," I said, eyeing the ginger softly snoring on Dazai's shoulder.

      He lifted his hand and placed it on Chuuya's head, his lips curling into a soft, warm smile as he smoothed the bright hair down. An expression I never expected coming from the cold and cruel Dazai. Especially brought forth by the partner he so hated.

       "Ah. I see," I said, looking back up at him, managing to meet his eyes. "So you were never rivals?"

       "We were. In a way, we never stopped being rivals. In our partnership we discovered the ability to push each other to new heights and we began to enjoy each other more and more."

      "And why are you telling me this?"

      "You'll figure it out. You're a smart man." I stared into his eyes for a moment. My shoulders tensed as I remembered those same eyes, now so gentle and full of humor, as the piercing stone cold glare they used to be. The glare that looked right through me, unfeeling as he beat me down and insulted me.

      That was meant to be praise, wasn't it? This is what I wanted. Why do I feel so numb?

      "Dazai, are you proud of me?" I blurted.

      "Yes, Akutagawa. I'm incredibly proud of you, more than I ever thought I'd be." I took a deep breath. I waited for the wave of satisfaction that was sure to wash over me, the euphoria of achieving a goal I'd longed to reach for as long as I can remember. Nothing. I felt nothing.

      I coughed. Then I began to laugh. A small giggle at first, and then it grew louder. "You're proud of me?" I cut off with more laughter, making a realization that I should have made so much time ago. "Do you think that really means something to me, Dazai? Do you?"