Closer to You (DISCONTINUED)

15. Dazai

🌊Dazai🌊

      Chuuya stayed still as I placed my arm over his waist. The only movement was the steady rising and falling of his breath.

      He must be asleep already, I thought, scooting a little closer until I was lightly pressed against his back. It had been so long since the last time this happened, I felt pure ecstasy spread throughout my body as I melted into the gentle warmth of my Chuuya.

      The last night I'd spent with him was the night I'd planned to sneak away. My mind had been conflicted in the weeks since Odasaku's death, I had grown distanced from him. Yet, the night I'd chosen to leave him was maybe the hardest I'd ever had.

      I had to do it. I had to do it. My heart longed for the light in Odasaku's words, maybe it would give me meaning. But if Chuuya was my meaning, without him my life meant nothing. If I lost him, if I stopped him too late one day, life would once more become an endless cycle of pain, and emptiness, unable to rid myself of this reality.

      If I'd stayed, I'd have let him down. One night, sitting in bed together, fingers intertwined, I asked him the question. "Would you ever leave the Port Mafia, Chuuya? Become a better man?"

      He'd looked over to me, confusion evident in his face. "Huh? Why? There's no redemption for demons."

      I stared into those stunning blue eyes for a moment then looked away. "But if there was?"

      I looked back to his face. Those eyes now blank as he thought about what I had said. "I guess... no." I swallowed a lump in my throat. "If something better comes for me? Ha, I don't think I'd deserve it."

      "Chuuya, do you feel remorse?"

      He sighed. "It's... complicated. Selfish remorse, if anything." I tightened my grip on his hand. "Regret for the consequences it left for me, I guess."

      I nodded, using my other hand to reach for his face. I brushed my thumb over his cheek before I pressed my palm to it, making him smile slightly and nuzzle into the touch. "I can't ask for anything more," he whispered to me.

      To stay is to let Chuuya down, happy with his work with a partner who was not. To leave is to let Chuuya down.

      A few nights later I clung onto him as he drifted off to sleep. "Damn, you're needy tonight..." he whispered, lifting his hand to stroke my hair. I pressed my nose into his shoulder, earning a light chuckle. "Alright, fine by me..."

      He trailed off with a yawn, turning his head to press against mine. His gentle breathing slowly turned into quiet snores, until I knew he was asleep. This was it. Any time now, I would make my way out of Chuuya's hold and leave, for good.

      What I'd prepared myself to do for weeks now. What would be best for Chuuya's sake... and mine. What I needed so desperately to do.

      What involved Chuuya hating me with all his being, never to be with me again.

      I shifted carefully, lifting his arm off of me. I gently placed his head on the pillow. Blinked misty eyes as I brought myself away from him, now in the cold.

      Then I placed a final kiss on his forehead. I grabbed my bags hidden in the floorboards.

       Took one last look at him, and...

      "Goodbye, Chuuya, my love."

      I left.