Neon Moon

Ch. 18 My Love

For a quick second you felt your heart literally stop in your chest. A lightness fell over you bringing a new realization of emotions breaking free throughout your body. You replayed his words in your mind, "I love you Sunshine."

A warm sensation gripped at your heart filling you with so much happiness you thought you would explode. Finally you felt it. That perfect moment taking root giving you the confidence to go through with saying those words you'd been holding in far too long now.

Brushing his cheek with yours you press your lips by his ear. Both of you are barely swaying to the music now completely wrapped up in each other to notice anything else. You take a deep breath, "Clyde, I Lo..."

"Wait sweetie." Clyde's words were rushed making you catch your words in your mouth. A pain tightened your chest making you loosen your grip around him. You pulled away slightly so confused.

Clyde could see the hurt in your eyes making this so much harder for him but he couldn't hear you say those words when he had so much bottled up. He had secrets eating away at him. He couldn't let you say those words and then turn around and take them back when you knew the truth. That would be more painful than never hearing those words at all. Closing his eyes and taking a breath he got himself together. Catching your stare he says, "not yet. I have so much to tell you first Sunshine. Com'on let's go."

You held onto his hand but didn't say a word. The two of you walked over to the bar so Clyde could throw some cash down and grab your things. He never let go of your hand and you didn't want him to but you couldn't understand why he didn't let you say those words back to him. It made your heart and mind race like a car on the motor speedway.

It was still quiet as you climbed into the Bronco. Clyde mentioned seeing a motel off the highway. You nodded and agreed it would be a good idea. The drive was only about 15 minutes up the road but it felt like an hour, due to the intense silence. You couldn't stop looking at Clyde while he drove telling yourself, he said he loved me. All you could do was try to read him and calm the hectic thoughts running wild in your mind.

Clyde could feel your stare and it was making him sweat. He started regretting everything, feeling like he'd actually done it and ruined everything. It was real unlike the worried nerves when a scheme went off the rails, but a real scared feeling started to set in. Like he was about to prove that he deserves to be alone like he had been for so long now.

The motel was a long strip of rooms with only a few cars in the lot. Clyde parked and quickly jumped out to get a room. You collected your bag and whatever things you thought the two of you might need and waited till he came out of the office.  Waiting there in the Bronco alone with your thoughts only made your worry worse. What if he was only saying that to appease me? What if he's tired of this and doesn't know how to end it! Why wouldn't he let me say it back?

You caught his large quick stride making his way over to the car. Grabbing your things you watched Clyde walk over to your door avoiding your anxious gaze. Once he popped your door open you slipped out looking up at him. Your voice was gentle, but full of uneasiness, "what's going on honey?"

Clyde visibly winced at the name, feeling the guilt override his senses. He let out a deep breath, "when we're inside Sunshine." Then he shut your door.

He took a few steps and you waited for his hand to reach behind him for yours like he always did, but this time he didn't. You just watched him fidget with his jean pocket nervously. You felt a few tears prick your eyes at that as you followed behind him. Somehow this moment after everything the two of you had shared to make this a wonderfully memorable day was slowly becoming one of the worst.

Quietly you followed him to the room only a few down from where your car was parked. Clyde fidgeted with the door for a long minute or two then finally popped it open. The two of you shared a look of silent pleading for the other as you walked in, both of you just wanting to fix this. You walked in and set your stuff on the small table and took the room in for a moment. It wasn't anything special and you didn't care. It was clean and small with a big bed in the middle fitting the outdated southern décor. The door closed behind you and it was quiet.