Formula 1 One-Shots (II)

Daniel Ricciardo[Mourning]

A/N This is completly different from the things I usually write but I found it while going trough my German one-shots and thought it is a piece that could be translated for you. It is maybe a bit shorter than normally but I thought it was a really hard topic to write about. 

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WORDS: 1014

WARNINGS: Grief (loss of a baby)
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My hands are shaking but I force myself to keep them as steady as possible while I fold another little piece of clothing and place it into the box in front of me. It is halfway filled but there is still a lot of things which I have to pack into it. Plus, there is some furniture we have to dismantle but this could wait for a bit. It still feels unreal that this room isn't going to be the home for a little bundle of life. That it is not going to be filled with love, but it is going to be a room I don't want to enter again.

When my fingers grab the blue blanket with the bunny, I stop my movements. This was supposed to be his. My finger cramp around the soft fabric and I can feel my eyes burning from the upcoming tears. I do not fight them and within a second tears roll down my cheeks. Pressing the blanket against my chest I hope the pain in my heart will fade and I can finally pack away the last pieces of baby clothing. I wanted to wrap him into this one, making it to something he finds comfort in but now I feel nothing but pain when I look at it.

Sobs that leave my lips do not help with keeping my crying private. Not that it is not okay to cry, I can cry as much as I need to, but I don't want to be a burden for others with it. Daniel appears in the doorway, hand ruffling his already messy hair when he spots me on the floor. Crying with the blue blanket that was supposed to be for our baby pressed against my chest, fingers curled into it, not wanting to let go.

With big steps he comes closer, sinks down onto his knees before he pulls me into his arms. Trying to comfort me with his warm embraces while I try to calm down. Head buried against his chest while his hands brush over my back and he whisper calming words into my ear, but I don't hear them.

"I feel like I can't do this anymore." I whisper these words with a hoarse voice, and I can feel how Daniel tenses up. For a moment he holds still, before he starts to brush his hands over my back again.

"I know."

Instead of comforting me, these simple two words make me angry. Inside of me I know I don't have the right to be angry with Daniel but in this situation the feelings just blubber out of me. Brusque I wiggle myself out of his embrace and look at him with fire in my eyes.

"You know nothing." I hiss at him. "You pretend like everything is fine, but nothing is fine. Nothing!" My words are harsh and even though I see Daniel flinch I continue. Can't hold back the sour feeling of anger and need to let it all out right now.

"You act like nothing happened, your live your life like you are not hurt from what happened. You don't know what I am going trough!" I know that my words are unfair, but it does seem like this for me. Daniel seems to just keep living his life. While I struggle, he continues with everything making it seem like he isn't even grieving.

"I am hurt too, but I try to stay strong for you. We both lost our child, so please don't think I don't know how you feel." His voice is full of pain, and he is on the verge of tears while mine never stopped. My heart stumbles and normally I would find it sweet that he wants to be strong for me, but it just makes me cry more.

"I don't know what to do anymore Daniel. Just thinking about children makes me cry and we can't talk with each other anymore. For fuck's sake, I yell at you even though you are suffering just like me." My voice cracks and I know that we can't continue like this. That we have to find a way back to normal. It is not going to be the same as before the loss, but we could things make work again. We have to make them work again.

"What if it never gets back to normal between us?" I ask him, addressing one of my fears. Daniels eyes widen and I sink my gaze, I do not want to show him how miserable this topic makes me feel, but it came to my mind. What if this loss will make us loose even more?

"Please look at me. We will fix this. I don't know how but we can fix everything. It will take some time, but we will find a way." Carefully he grabs my hand and lifts my chin with his free one. Now I can't avoid his eyes and can see the tears in his eyes. My chest feels tighter than before, and I feel nothing but fear right now.

"Are we strong enough to fix this?" A question with shivering voice leaves my lips. Daniel looks determined before he nods. "We will fix this together. No matter how many stones will be in our way or how many turns we have to take. We will manage to get trough this together." He promises me, squeezing my hand comforting.

I close my eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath before I now. "Okay." My voice is barely audible, but I know that he heard me. Finally, I place the little blanket in the box, making my heart ache but at the same time feel a little lighter.

"Can you help me?" I ask Daniel with a thin voice, but I want to continue this task. "Of course." Daniel promises and together we place the last pieces of clothing in the box between us.

That we both cry during this process isn't avoidable but just as Daniel said. We will get trough this together.