Chasing Dreams

Thirty-Third Dream

"Ano na naman ba 'tong picture mo na nag-ci-circulate online? You went to a bar?"

"You can't just expect me to lock myself in my place all day. Nagunwind lang ako nang kaonti. Pati ba naman 'yon bawal?" I said, almost rolling my eyes.

Nakakainis na kasi. Kung makapagsalita siya ay akala mo ginusto ko ang nangyari. Many things happened. Mababaliw ako kung magmumukmok lang akong mag-isa.

Why can't they understand that?

"Hindi naman kita pinagbabawalan pero akala ko ba ay wala na kayo no'ng boyfriend mo? Did you lie to me?"

"Why would I do that? Pagkatapos nang pagsunod ko sa inyo, ito ang sasabihin niyo sa akin." I laughed sarcastically.

"Then why the hell are you seen together in that bar?" ma'am Joan asked in her slightly raised tone. "Don't tell me na nagkataon lang. You are seen coming together. Siya rin ang nag-akay sa'yo paalis doon. Now, how can you defend that?"

I look straight into her with disbelief in my eyes.

Akala ba nila hindi ko nahahalata ang ginagawa nila sa akin? They wanted to control me. No. They are controlling me now and I know I am at fault with this too dahil hinayaan ko sila.

Why am I even letting them do this to me?

I am Alaina Zahlee Sinfuego, my parents can't even tame me, pagkatapos sila... I should not let them control every decisions I have in my life.

Oo dala-dala ko ang ngalan ng grupo at ng agency, pero paano naman ako?

They'll just treat me as a mere puppet who will obey every command they have on me, and I don't want that.

I am my own person.

I have my own mind and my own decision.

Maaring nagkakamali ako sa mga desisyon ko pero hindi naman kabawasan 'yon sa pagiging ako.

"Naiintindihan mo ba talaga ako, Alee? Li-low ka muna, please. Para sa'yo rin naman 'to at sa mga ka-grupo mo."

"Really? Para sa akin?" I laughed again with mockery in it. "Kaya pala ni parang wala na kong boses para magdesisyon sa sarili ko?"

"Alee?" she yelped my name.

"I wanted to throw a press con to clear my name but you and the management won't let me. Anong gusto niyo? Habang buhay na lang akong mananahimik? You all wanted the issue to cool off by making the public think that I am on the wrong end dahil lang sa marami ang nagsalita laban sa akin?"

"Dahil mahirap i-counter ang mga sinasabi nila sa'yo—"

"Dahil totoo, gano'n ba?" biglaan kong tanong at hindi siya nakapagsalita. "Dahil kahit kayo ay naniniwala sa mga narinig niyo."

"Hindi sa gano'n 'yon. Sa mga sitwasyong ganito ay hindi tayo dapat pwedeng mapangunahan ng damdamin natin."

"Really? Because I don't think 'yan talaga ang rason." I shook my head. "You all benefited from my fame but because of those issues... you are willing to drop me anytime. Ganoon ba ang tingin niyo sa amin? Dapat perpekto? Bawal magkamali?"

"Alee, can you please come down? The management is trying their best to solve this issue as soon as possible. Huwag na lang matigas ang ulo please. Stop making unnecessary acts that can complicate things more."

"You know what, I don't know anymore." I stood up and stormed out of the room.

I can't stand to listen to their reasons full of bullshits just to make me obey their every command. I am not a doll that is made only for a show. I am and will never be perfect after all.