Chasing Dreams

Thirty-Sixth Dream

The silence is engulfing my entirety while I am looking directly to my mother's tomb. Nariyan siya, nagpapahinga dala-dala ang mga kasalanan at sikreto niyang ni hindi man lang siya naglakas ng loob na sabihin sa akin.

I can't promise that I'll fully understand pero mas gusto ko na sana sa kanya mismo nanggaling kaysa sa ibang tao. I treated her as a mother. Hindi ko man madalas maipakita sa kanya, pero mahal na mahal ko siya.

I can't believe she used me for her own advantage. I can't believe she manage to lie through the years that have gone by.

Are you happy for what have you done to me, mom?

Are you happy for being the reason of my misery?

Kung oo, then congratulations! You wreck more my already ruined life.

"Hindi mo naman kailangang kimkimin lahat. You can let it all go. Nandirito lang naman ako, makikinig sa'yo," ani Aisle sa mahina ngunit malambing na tono. He sounded like he understands every bit of what I am feeling right now, but honestly, I doubt that he really does.

"Alam mo bang inggit na inggit ako sa ibang tao na kayang bigyan ng oras at pagmamahal ng mga magulang nila. I never experienced it. Si mommy, walang ibang inatupag kundi ang sundan nang sundan si daddy. She looked pathetic in everyone's eyes even with mine. Ganoon ba siya katanga at habol pa rin siya ng habol sa isang tao na hindi man lang siya kayang pahalagahan? Honestly, I feel pity for her. 'Yon nga lang, mas nangibabaw ang galit. Why can't she give me the time she allotted for her unfaithful husband? Nandirito rin lang naman ako, kasama niya, naghihintay na ambunan niya ng kahit katiting na pagmamahal. Ni minsa'y hindi ko siya iniwan pero bakit kung tratuhin niya ako ay parang hindi ako mahalaga sa kanya?"

I laughed, while tears are starting to stroll down from my eyes. "Hindi niya naman pala kasi ako anak. Worse, anak pa ko ng babaeng kinasusuklaman niya. I now understand why she can't look at me the same way how a mother should look at her daughter."

"I'm sure she did love you. Hirap lang siguro siyang ipakita sa'yo kaya gano'n."

"Alam ko naman eh. Mahal ko rin naman siya. I regretted for not making time for her in her last days. Siguro kung naibigay ko 'yon, may naiwan din sana siyang alaala naming dalawa na masaya kasi ni isang memory, wala akong matandaan. Wala akong matandaan na naging masaya man lang ako sa piling niya, sa piling nilang dalawa ni daddy."

"Alaina."

My tears stopped from dropping the moment I hear my father's baritone voice. Aisle left my side, probably to give me and my father the time to converse. Hindi naman kasi kailangan.

Gusto kong hawakan ang kamay niya upang pigilan siyang umalis pero hindi ko na nagawa. I don't have the energy to deal with any of them pero ano pa nga ba ang magagawa ko? Nandirito na siya.

Why does he need to come to me and rub it to my face how unlucky am I to have a parent like them?

"I knew I'll find you here," he said while my back is still facing him.

Hindi ako nagsalita at patuloy lamang pinakiramdaman ang mga susunod na gagawin niya. After that, naramdaman ko na lamang siyang tumabi sa akin.

"Kumusta ka na?"

"Do I look fine to you?" sarkastiko kong tanong.

"I'm sorry."

I faced him. "For what? For me, knowing the truth? Or for you, not being a good father?"

"For both. Alaina, alam kong mahirap pero pamilya tayo. Makakayanan mo 'tong lampasan. Makakayanan natin 'to. We've been through a lot. But look at us, we're still here."