i shouldn't feel this guilt. hailey is my best friend, and i'm absolutely fucking over the moon that she gets to marry the love of her life. but the tears in my eyes give me a sense of guilt. i should be happy for her, and i think i am, but some selfish part of me feels like breaking down.
ever since i met hailey, she's always had the luck when it came to guys. she's been in stable, long term relationships and fallen in love many times. i, on the other hand, was in one short, toxic relationship and then it was as if the universe decided there was no more love in my future.
that's what the tears are; jealousy tears. i'm not jealous because she's engaged to justin, i'm jealous about the simple fact that she has another person who loves her that much. these tears are fucking stupid.
about 15 minutes go by and i finish almost the entire bottle of wine, still balling my eyes out. i just want comfort; i want julia and iris. i just want somebody.
then the universe decided to do its thing. i saw the screen of my phone flash on to reveal a text message notification; from shawn.
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——— iMESSAGE! shawn mendes and halley finn
shawn mendes hi sorry for texting so late and for us not talking over the last while aaliyah says i need to apologize and check in on you. how are you?
halley finn hi gonna be completely honest with you not the best right now
shawn mendes are you okay?
halley finn not really i feel so fucking stupid and kind of want to die
shawn mendes one second
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halley finn toronto, ontario ———
i waited a few seconds for the second part of shawn's text but soon realized it probably wasn't coming. add this whole situation to my 'things that are fucking stupid' list along with the tears.
i tilted my head back to get the last drip of the wine and then place the empty bottle on the coffee table.
my breathing hitches as i sit myself up on the couch, trying so hard to get rid of the tears. but they just won't go anywhere. it's like i'm releasing a gallon of water from my body.
i was flashed out of my thoughts when i heard a loud knock on the door. nobody knew where i was staying here, so i assumed it was just a random person or neighbour. i dismissed it and fell back into my position, stuffing my head into the bunched up blanket.
the person knocked again, loudly and quickly, so i sprung up from the couch and wrapped my blanket around my body. i could care less if the person saw me like this.
my socks slid across the hardwood as i walked towards the door. i unlocked it and slowly pulled it open, revealing someone i did not expect. how did he know where i was staying?
silence filled the space between us until he noticed my red, puffy face. "are you okay? tell me you didn't hurt yourself, please." shawn said, his eyes glossy after looking at my appearance.
"i'm fine," i gulped, brushing through my messy hair and wiping my eyes to reassure him. "what are you doing here?"
"when someone texts you 'i kind of wanna die', you tend to freak out," he chuckled dryly, still looking at me. "what happened?"
instead of replying, i grabbed his wrist and pulled him inside, shutting the door and walking back to my spot on the couch. i picked up the second bottle of wine i opened and brought it to my lips to sip, but he stopped me and grabbed it out of my hand. "drinking isn't gonna help."
"i assume you heard that hailey and justin got engaged," i muttered deeply, rubbing my hands all over my face.
"yeah..." he said, dragging off in thought. "is that what this is about? are you in love with justin?" he continued, and my eyes grew wide at his assumption.
"god no," i replied, "it's more about the fact that she has justin. this is so stupid, i shouldn't be fucking upset about this."
he sat down on the couch a few feet away from me, not knowing what to say. "she has someone that loves her so much they're willing to spend the rest of their life with her. i can't think of a single person who'd do that for me; i have nobody," i continued ranting, tears falling down my cheeks.
"you don't have nobody, halley. you have me," he said, pausing after his name but then realizing what he had said, "and your sisters, and hailey, and every single person who likes anything that you do."
i didn't answer and instead just looked at him. i repeated what he said in my head: you have me.
