"Here are the rules again:
You and the other participants get blindfolded and stand to the opposite of each other. You then have to blindly walk towards one of them and whoever you bump into, you have to sleep with tonight.
You already know you're g...
It's been about two months ever since the day I had showed up at Hyunjin's house.
A lot has happened since then, but most importantly, I was finally ready to go back to collage. My grades aren't the best now that I've missed out on so many lectures, but the most important part is that I pass the upcoming exams and my friends are doing their best to help me get through.
As for my mental health, honestly, a while ago, it wasn't doing so good. I hadn't been making much progress at all, but rather been feeling like I had been regressing. Hyunjin getting close to me felt overwhelming as well, hugging him suddenly started feeling like I was tapped and suffocating again and at some point, I wasn't even able to sleep in the same bed with him anymore.
I started having flashbacks and I questioned whether getting all close with Hyunjin so quickly was the thing that had triggered all of this, if it had been a good idea.
When things were at their worst, Hyunjin encouraged me to finally go see a therapist. I didn't want to go at first, it's very expensive, after all. But since my mom now finally has our company back, she reassured me that it was okay and that she wouldn't mind paying for me to get treatment at all.
So guess who's been going to therapy for a month and a half now? Exactly, me!
Therapy includes so many different things and I thought I was just going to be talking to someone like in the movies.
I do talk a lot with my therapist though, she's amazing! Way older than me, but amazing, and she makes me feel like I can truly open up around her. It was hard trusting her at first of course and even now I still hesitate before saying certain things, but it's been getting better and better.
Actually, starting a diary to write down my thoughts was a thing she recommended for me to do, and so here I am now. I've been getting better slowly but surely, however I haven't told Hyunjin about my progress yet! :)
Hyunjin has been sleeping on Minho's bed for the past weeks since I told him I wasn't feeling comfortable with it anymore. I feel bad, I really want him to be close to me, but I just can't handle it... (at least up until now, you'll see what I mean in a sec).
We've all switched rooms, by the way. Changbin's sleeping over at Jisung's and Hyunjin's room, Minho over at Jeongin's and Hyunjin has moved to my room.
Talking about Jisung and Changbin, I heard they've finally done it🤭. It's crazy how much their relationship has evolved, nothing could bring these two apart, ever. I remember Changbin being really shy when he told me about Jisung topping him, but then two weeks after, he brags about how HE had topped Jisung. These two be switching roles and having the best time of their lives!
...Meanwhile I can't even hug the person I'm dating. Hugging is simple, right? And I haven't even been able to do that...
I wonder how Hyunjin feels. He must feel really disappointed whenever we hang out with the other couples.
I see how his body longs for some touches and kisses every time he sees my brother cuddling with Minho or Jisung kissing Changbin. I see the hope in his eyes every time he comes closer to me, hoping that this time I won't push him away, but in the end, I always take a step back from him.
He reassures me every single day that it's okay, but I can tell how it's been exhausting for him too. He deserves to be loved after all too! He gives me his all, but I can't even give him anything back. :(
So, since I'm feeling a little confident today, been feeling awful and determined to finally make some progress, I set myself a goal of allowing Hyunjin to sleep next to me tonight! :)
And bonus goal: If I manage to get through the night, my second goal is to try and hug him!
It's going to be while he's sleeping. That way I feel safer and for the beginning :) Who knows, maybe I fall into his Hyunjin-magic and immediately start feeling comfortable to cuddle with him? Because that's what he does to me! At first, I'm scared of getting close to him or anyone else, but once I allow him to come close to me, just a tiny little bit, he somehow makes me feel safe enough to do more.
Although thinking about it now, after over a month of therapy... I might even be ready for a kiss...? Thinking about it used to frighten me out of my soul, since Junghwa used to force me to kiss him.... BUT, lately, looking at Hyunjin and glancing at his lips has been giving me weird tingly feelings.
I think I've started to miss physical affection and connection just as much as Hyunjin does... However in my case, only when it comes to Hyunjin. I just can't even imagine cuddling with a person I've just met for example... but you know... maybe that doesn't have anything to do with my trauma. Nobody would get too touchy with someone they've just met right? I mean, unless it's at the club or some similar place.
We'll see how it goes, but I just really really want to at least do these two things!! (And if things go well and I don't relapse, maybe even more...?) It's almost time to go to bed so I'll talk to him in a bit :)
Thinking about it, the last time I kissed him was four months ago. FOUR MONTHS. So much has happened since then, it's unbelievable. I'll be working hard to make sure things go back to those ti...
"I'll be going to sleep Channie." Hyunjin spoke as he left the bathroom and entered the living room to say good night to the older "Ah I see you're already writing things down."
"Yeah, thought I'd start today. Oh and, you might want to walk into the room in the back over there." Chan smiled, pointing over to that door.
"But..? But that's your room dummy?"
The older just nodded with a smile and suddenly Hyunjin's whole face and expression switched into complete shock mode.
"Are you saying what I think you're saying, or are we just switching rooms?" He questioned, being very confused and surprised.
"Yes, I'm saying what you think I'm saying." Chan chuckled, blushing a little "Let's sleep in the same bed tonight."
Hyunjin's entire being just lit up, and it was like he had just gotten his sunshine back. He never really liked sleeping alone, and for tonight he didn't have to do that anymore.
"Oh my god, are you serious?!"
Chan nodded and smiled, seeing the younger's eyes becoming glassy. He left his notebook on the table without even finishing his sentence and stood up, walking with a stunned Hyunjin over to the room. He already had his pajama on and was ready for bed.
They turned off the lights in the living room and eventually also in the bedroom, laying next to each other and looking into each other's eyes, talking.
They were just having random conversations, but Chan could see the happiness through Hyunjin's gazes until they became more and more tired.
☆•°----------------------------------------°•☆
This chapter used to he one 5000 words long one, but I split it up into three.
Planning on making chapter 52 (maybe even 53) a Binsung smut🤭🌷 Do you want the Changbin top or the Jisung top one?
Ps: For any top Changbin in Binsung lovers, go read "Flower Boy" by me. It's a nice Chatfic that gets better the more the story moves on, I recommend🤭🌻
Also, excuse the many time-skips, it's just necessary for the story not to become too boring :)💐
