11:19
I put my two weeks into work. I was supposed to have work today, but I really don't want to go. I did a very bad thing and I have lots of regrets. I told Todd that I wanted to f*** him last night, I was crossfaded and I wasn't thinking but I woke up this morning and read the messages to see who I was talking to last night while I was like that. I think this would be good for me I need to get away from him I guess. I'm just going to focus on school, that was my original plan once I got into college.
Me and Lainie are still going strong, we've done things every night since the first night that we did things. I hope that they really like me and that they're not playing with me. We talk about our feelings a lot and I'm not sure if I'm ready to believe them. It's not like anyone hurt me in the past I just don't know because I don't want to mess things up. I'm not good with human emotions so if someone doesn't like something they would have to tell me, I don't really have that intuition for that kind of stuff. From the things that we say or do I think that it's real, but the way that they explained how they treat people in a relationship doesn't seem like they are 100% with this. I'm not even sure if this is really anymore, they wrote me a letter to try to make me less confused about how I feel but it didn't make me any less confused, I am more confused. Is it bad that I do things with Laney that I've done with McKayla (my ex of 5 years).
I taught Lainie the secret language that me and McKayla made up when we were 12. One thing that I like about being with Layne is that I don't think about other people when I'm with them. I want to take my time but at the same time I really want to rush through things because I feel like I don't have enough time. I haven't forgotten about Matt I think I'm good at let him go but I know that the relationship I'm in now will be toxic in the future and that staying with Matt is definitely the better option because he's successful and he will not drag me down. I'm not saying that lady will drag me down I just know that I won't be able to excel IF no one else who I care about around me is excelling as well. I'm not a follower I just feel like I have to stay right where they found me. I don't want them to think that I've outgrown them.
We write letters to each other now and
I think it's really cute. We are really physical throughout our daily activities when sissy is not here. I unfortunately have to keep this a secret between just me and them and I feel like that's a warning sign. I don't know what's best for me but I feel that this is a good bad decision. I keep thinking of the future and not the present moment so my mind is stuck on what can I be doing instead of what I can be doing.
I told TQ that I was going to come in today but I really don't want to and I don't think I actually will. I'm going to utilize today as a chance to do what I was supposed to do yesterday. I hope that I can get myself to do things today and not just lay around, I don't want to be lazy anymore. So let me get ready for the day, take a shower exercise or vice versa and get dressed to leave and do things.
12:43
I just ended my friendship with Denver.
I was supposed to go to his birthday party last night but instead I went to the get together and got fucked up and messed around. Denver was cool to hang out with and I feel kinda bad for just cutting things off with then. This is making me think about Matt. I like to get ahead of myself and be irrational.
13:16
I'm getting my hair cut then I'm gonna get a tattoo and a peircing. Hopefully stop by my storage to grab art stuff.
13:58
After everything about quitting my job and putting my two weeks I feel like it's a good turn for me so I can do better things and expand my knowledge of the town that I'm living in right now. I'm walking to the library, the first library that I walked to was not a public one so I think this next Library will be a public library and then I will finish my day. Matt's going to help me finish running some errands. He's bringing Cole I don't mind it I don't care I'm kind of prepared for it but I also wish he didn't bring him at the same time. I just got free ice cream and I feel like it was a award for quitting. I might be a little dramatic but I take the little steps to change my life as big steps to change my life.
17:37
I'm currently holding Matts hand. In the passenger seat with Cole (his 1 year old kid, 2020 7 29) in the back. We ran errands and now we're going to drop off some things and then we're going to get the tatto and peicings.
19:24
I bought Layne a necklace and I got us a diary so we can write our secret language in one book instead of letters around the house. Right now I'm at Boston Ink in Mattapan and I got the word Layne in the secret language tattooed small on my wrist. 183$ for 2 peircings and the small tattoo. I could've done a stick and poke and be done but I like comming down here. My godfather is down here.
I've been afraid to see my godfather ever since I found out that he had cancer. I'm giving him space rn but I have something big I wanna do for him but I'm not sure what yet. I wanna take him out the contry but he has those damn chains on him, a free man trapped. Ugh, that whole situation makes me so mad. I never finished the story from the first, "chapter". I'll finish it one day.
20:11
I got two more peircings. One more on the left side of my upper lil and one in the center of my bottom lip. I had one on the bottom but some collage chick ate it and the hole closed after. I'm on way way back to the house finally and laynes home. I can't wait to see them, I like them more than Matt, Im not sure if I said that already. I hope they don't go to emo night or something like that. Idk I kinda dont wanna share them with anyone. Today Matt kept touching my thigh and I'm usually down and dirty for that kind of stuff but for some reason I just wasn't having it.
I bought 2 brooms, 2 paper towel roles so I can chew on them, 3 towels, a new blanket, a new pillow, a necklace for you know who, lunch for the homeless, 3 dresses, a strawberry refresher from dunking, a haircut and a lyft ride. Today's total was 500$.
I don't wanna sleep with Matt tonight but when we hung out today with Cole someone thought that we were a family. It made me feel right. I wanna date Matt seriously in the future so I wanna keep him around but I really like Layne. Ima figure this all out.
Logging off
