19:06
I passed the driving test from yesterday, so now I have my license. Right now I'm at work, I'm not supposed to be at work I wanted to go home and talk to Laney. Laney mentioned something last night while I was talking to them before we had sex. I brought up situation with my godfather, and they made me realize that he's not a good person. And I live for him, and I feel so many positive emotions for him. He was a lot of things for me in my life, he means a lot to me. Realizing that he wasn't a good person makes me feel like I can't really trust anybody. For this whole week all I've been talking about is how I feel and who I am my worth my value what means a lot to me and what doesn't. I'm tired of talking with my about myself. I'm going to tell Laney the truth today about how Matt wasn't the one and how it was all me and what a terrible person I am. You can't even say I'm not a terrible person because I lied to leaning in their face, if you love somebody you don't try to hurt them you don't put them In Harm's Way. I put Lenny in my way, and I made them cry. I feel like now I don't know who I am as a person I don't have my own mind body or soul, and if it wasn't for Laney saying that's they want me alive I would not be here right now. I've never added anyone into my future plans, no matter who I was with what I was doing or how old I was there was never anyone in my future plans. Even before Laney this year I planned on passing away hopefully I had no regards on who I knew or the friendships or family or anything like that the workspace. I just wanted to disappear selfishly, but lady gave me kind of a reason to try harder to love myself and that's a lot to put on them so that's something I'm not going to tell them. I know I messed up this time and I know I do not deserve what I feel like I want. It's tiring talking about me thinking about me all of the stuff. Even this diary is a bit much talking about me as it is all it is and my life. I think this will be the last entry until I figure myself out.
