18:54 i'm in the car now with Matt and I broke up with him, we're friends now going out to eat but he's really quiet. I miss lainie.
Lainie and I went to the aquarium o. Friday and I tried to face my fear of sea turtles. Nope, still scared. We went on a chariot, then out to eat. I love spending time with them and can't wait to see them at home.
Matt and I are going to Hakata Ramen in Boston.
22:04
I'm sitting in my living room with Matt rn, I was gonna smoke weed with him bur I don't have raw or frontal. We played a quick game of uno and now I'm going to read him one of these stories. When I came in, Stromboli ran out. He always does that.
13:48- 18,7,22
It's technically the next day but I feel like I should be making these chapters longer. Let me tell you what happend since last night. After Matt left (because of allergies to cats) I sat down and started coding words for the notebook that me and lainie share. We have a secret code that we only use in that book, sometimes through text if it's too sexual for the human eye. I layed on the couch with my pants off, music blasting hoping that they would see. I was kinda waiting for them.
When they came in I pulled them down to sit and talk. I was in a chair facing east and they were facing north. I grabbed there hand, looked them in the eyes and lied. I told them that Matt told me he had H.I.V and that's why I saw him. I also said that we sould get tested and what-not. I'm a bad person for sure. Why would I knowingly have physical relations knowing what I have and how it spreads and I say that I love lainie and I care about them but actions speak louder than words. I do love lainie tho, I think I've fallin more in love and that's why I feel guilt. They're not a stranger to me, not a friend that I'll forget to text back. No. Knowing that I'm going to let this disease take over and progress. I don't want to do this to lainie. I've told them how I felt about us and I don't have to go through this. I could take a pill and live for lainie but I'm selfish and I can't. Whenever I feel things for people and they return the favor, I hurt them. Not just a little, no I hurt them bad with some stupid excuse. I'm selfish and only think about myself, pretty sure I'm coco-nuts-crazy and I don't deserve to be happy. It's not even this situation but I do things to people and lie and hurt and ruin. It's just... even this, me, me, mother fucking me and I'm tired of existing just to cause problems for people. I litteraly caused this problem. I made lainie cry and think negitivly, I fuck over my coworkers at work by not showing up cuz I'm lazy. I opened a pretty heavy door last night and I'm too weak to close it. I just have to see what's in the room in hopes that nothing bad comes out.
I need to stop thinking about the future and live for the day. I want to make lainie the happiest person for a long time. I ow them my life. I'm going to save up and propose one day and I know that they love me like how I love them and even if they stop loving me I will still love them and that was the same with Mickey (ex of 6 years). I still love mickey but I'm not in love with them anymore. I do things or say things to lainie that I used to do and say to mickey and for that I feel guilty, as if I'm using them or as if my love for them is fake. I'm scared of love. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life then have someone else's emotions in my grasp.
14:08
Lainie and I came to the emergency room this morning to get tested for H.I.V and I said some shit about how I Wana die all the time and my stupid nurse called like the best team and they were talking to me about my past tendencies and what not. I hate talking about that stuff because it's like a reminder than I'm broken.
I talked to my mother last night after the conversation with Laine. I told her how I felt and still feel, she told me the same and no promises were made but bridges that were burned, were being rebuilt. I'm not sure if I'm ready for all that because dealing with family no matter who or what also means that I'd have to deal with my sister and that's a whole different wave of emotions. A helpless situation on top of one filled with guilt. But life dosnt give you anything you can't handle and I just need to keep telling myself that. Life goes on, be it I'm happy or not because the world dosnt revolve around me.
I'm going to start taking g care of myself a little more. I keep slacking. I don't shower every day. I don't eat everyday. I don't clean every day. I'm just not on a ruitine and I think thats what I need rn. I need to focus on what's next.
I'm not going to spend anymore money unless it's for lainie or another good cause. I thought of that cuz I'm hungry and was wonder what I should eat. I'll have something here if it's free or ill go home and cook. I'm done waiting in this hospital, I hate hospitals. I only came because I want to be there for my love. I might as well fix my other issues. I've been starting have, like episodes where I can realy control my breathing or something like that. It's hard to explain and I could be a psychological thing in which I can control but last night when I was talking to Sissy and lainie it happened and I had to go I the other room. I keep thinking this is happening because I want attention. I don't do it on purpose, and I try to keep it a secret what it happends but why do I feel like I'm doing it for attention.
