One Hundred Fifty

03 - Rock Bottom of Faith

"What are we fighting for? Seems like we do it just for fun."
- Hailee Steinfied (Rock Bottom)

Have you ever felt, as a Christian, tired, helpless, and that... nothing's working anymore? We've prayed, we've done the hardwork, but still no fruit to come in our way? We still do the sins we ran away from, hence, we find ourselves keep coming back from the same sin that haunts us. No matter how our soul wants to get back with Christ, in the middle, our flesh is our will and priority and all of the things we work hard for will suddenly vanish into a thin air making us feel like we still have a vulnerable foundation of our Christian faith.

What is hitting rock bottom? Here's some list to ponder if you've hit the edge of your faith, but usually, you already felt it before you knew it.

1. Is my faith, my God, my Jesus, and the Holy Spirit still the center of my life? Do I still make Him my priority?

2. Do I still feel guilty for the sins that I committed?

3. Do I still feel grateful to God?

4. Do I still value the word 'sorry', or confessed my sin to our parish priest with a genuine guilt (for catholics) or do I still admit my sins in prayers with true remorse of thy self?

5. Do I still pray and believes it?

6. Do I feel lazy not just of spiritual things but general?

There, we all know there will always a time where sin takes place in us. Always remember, the behavior is not the problem but the indication of problem. Sometimes, your actual act of sins are not that harmful for you, at least yet. Sins tricks you into saying,

'oh this is just a peek, nothing harmful'

'it's okay, do what you want, everybody does it, even other christians, just once, do it'

And it will convince you that the mere peek, the mere click, is not that harmful. Maybe that click isn't but your decision of choosing that instead of what God has told you is. That is the dangerous part. When suddenly, Christ is out of the option.

It all came to that, until domino effects, we can't know anymore where it started. I don't know about you, I don't really know what you're struggling from as I'm speaking by my own experience. Sometimes, I just do not care at all. Sometimes, I just don't feel guilty at all.

Sometimes, I just love myself more. And also sometimes, we tend to give the wrong self love to ourselves. We all choose bad decisions, and it's this time where we have to choose the right one.

From Christiantoday.com, when you've hit rock bottom, think about it. Think about the purpose? Why did this happened to us? Of course, this calamity have destroyed us not just in one whip, but can also be little by little, blowing us away from the journey God has walked us. But remember that God can always turn your misery into something wonderful that you can't even think of. Remember the cross, oh how can we forget? Remember the misery of the apostles, of Mary and Joseph, when Jesus was crucified? It was rock bottom. But after that what happened? They were sufficient of faith that allows them to stick till the end of their breath. We can never know if they're consistent. We can never know if they became sinless, but we know that they became a servant, a follower of Christ, even though He's not there to guide them in physical aspects.

And maybe, just maybe, this is what we can think when we hit rock bottom.

1. It is to humble us.
2. It is to let us see the beauty of God' love. (since we ran away from it. We'll feel the absence more.)
3. To let us know that He's all we need.

When we put our trust in ourselves and in what we have, we find ourselves wanting. But when we put our trust in God, we find ourselves well supplied and even abounding.  (ChristianToday.com)

At the end of the day, if we are willing to get back with our faith, we must do some actions. There are moments when we have to complain, but there are more moments when we have to make something to stop our complains. Complaining about our faith? How 'bout let's cut off some slack and find our purpose again with our newly founding faith?

Sit down. Get away with your phone. Sit where you're comfortable at, where you can't be bothered. Sit in silence for about how many hours you need. Mother Teresa said,

"In the silence of the heart, God speaks."

Ponder about all our wailings, you can write it down if you wanna sort your thoughts, or you can speak it out loud to make some sense. Then ask yourself, why really? Why am I hitting rock bottom? Why am I falling back into sins? What do I lack of? Maybe you have so much things in your mind that you leave no space for God to speak? And I'm telling you, there's always a solution for a problem. And it's okay if you can't do the solution right away.

Sometimes you also have to forgive yourself from not doing anything to start doing something.

If there's still no avail to answer, just continue searching. Try to be absurdly honest with your sins, with your shortcomings, without any filter at all in your prayers or in your silence thought and see what it looks like, what it sounds like. Try to be in chaos and look around it to see what's making the chaos. Try to look at the lives of our saints and ask,

How did they did that?

Try to read for ten minutes of a certain bible chapter. Regain your fire, regain your enthusiasm, realize something cause there's always something to learn from you, from your faith, and from God.

And then, do not give up in praying.

Have you think of what to do next after a rock bottom of faith? What's next after crying?