One Hundred Fifty

31 - The Art of Letting Go

"When does love become stoppable?"

Kitang kita ang lilim ng buwan sa ilalim ng buhanginan, kasabay ng alon ng mga karagatan.

I heard a sigh, "Ba't ang ganda ng view..." He said and looked past at me, I can't blame him. The sea is standing behind me, even my beauty can't compete with the nature. Napangiti lang ako at inikot ang stick kung saan nakatusok ang marshmallow. The usual food for a summer camp. Except that it's only me and him, with the thousand of strangers around us. I thought it's only gonna be me here, but hey, what an odd time to bump with your ex when he's the very reason of your vacation?

"Cha, ba't ka pumayag?"

Bigla nitong tanong. He isn't looking at me and neither I. It's just both of us staring at the huge lit of the fire listening to its' sound.

"Pumayag na? Makipag break or the tagging you along?"

"Pareho?"

I can't help but laugh and that's the cue for us to look at each other.

"Well, ikaw yan eh. Ano bang bago?"

"Hindi ka naiilang?"

"Mas nakakailang kung nasa kabila ka lang na tent tapos pareho tayong mag isa tapos mag susulyapan tayo. Isipin mo, ano tawag sa'tin?"

"Pa-virgin?"

At sabay kaming nag tawanan. I won't lie, this is a genuine laugh that I never shared with him for a long months, until now. Magaan na pala sa pakiramdam.

"Dito ka Cha. Tabi ka."

"Wow, chansing agad ah."

Umalma ako pero tumabi lang rin naman. Gusto ko rin kasing makita ang dagat. This might be the last one of a thousand months again that I'll be able to enjoy a vacation.

Tumabi nga ako, iniangat n'ya naman ang kumot na nakasampay sa balikat n'ya, he scooted closer to me and let me join in with the warmth of the blanket. This blanket... I remember this is one of the blanket we used in his room when we're so tired, maybe of each other, maybe with ourselves, we lay down, then cry.

Now it's not the same.

From, "I can see you walking in the aisle, towards me."

To...

"Am I weird if I feel odd, cause I know your life will be much better without me in it?"

"We literally grew together, from 14 to 20, of course it'll feel odd. But now, we have to grow apart."

From,

"Ilang anak ang gusto mo?"

To,

"Ilang oras nalang ng tulog, aalis ka na."

He said again. I know he might be drunk, cause he's giving me signs that he won't be able to give when he's sober. And that's the problem, he's always sober. He can't be drunk always for us to work, or he'll die.

"Ikaw naman nag pa-alis sa'kin eh." Sagot ko. Leaning to him as it became cold. Lumalakas ang tunog ng alon ngunit mapayapa ang kalangitan. Makikita ang ulap dahil sa buwan.

"Sorry Cha..."

"I'm sorry too. Napagod ako eh. Hindi ko pala kaya."

"Sorry rin. Ako naman talaga ang problema. You deserve a relationship that will do everything from preventing you to be tired."

"Why can't you be that person?"

He whispered, "Pagkakatiwalaan mo pa ba 'ko?"

"Hindi na rin eh."

"I love you still, Cha."

"You know I do too. But I just know you so well, and I'm not the one who can change you. Paulit ulit mo lang akong masasaktan."

"I'm not gonna ask for another chance... I can't."

"Wala ka na rin namang makukuha pa." I said. Chuckled a little and faced him. But I was struck, as I saw his eyes with tears forming. Namumula ang ilong nito. It's a painful sight.

"Ganuto pala yun 'no? Parehong mahal ang isa't isa pero parehong ayaw na." I said. "I do love you so, but I think the pain it gives me is not worth it anymore. My tiredness overcome my love for you, tipong... alam ko naman na ayaw mo na talaga sa'kin ba't ko pipilitin."

"It's not that..."

"It is. If it's not why would you cheat repeatedly?" I said smiling. Not bitterly. Cause I'm not mad anymore. Just accepting it all. Nakakapagod na magalit, nakakapagod na manumbat. It's time for a peaceful break up. We did everything but we can't overcome ourselves and the pain.

When does love become stoppable?

When both ask for a change that requires them both to stay out of each other life.