UNDERCOVER ⧗ BLACKHILL

The Want - 23

(Natasha's POV)
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Most of my life, people would call not ideal. If I were someone else in a 'normal' life, I would too. No one grows up seeing themselves the second in command to a drug lord.

With me, once I was in, I was in. It basically just went from there, there wasn't really any thought process. When you've done something for most your life, you don't think twice about it.

But never did I think that someone would have the ability to break down the walls that have been built up for most of my life. Having something so unexpected like this come along makes perspectives change, and wants.

Sure, I love everyone here, they're the ones I spend all my time with, and that I have spent most of my life time with. Yes, I technically work for someone, but I also set my own schedule. In a way, I can't ask for anyone else. This is what most people want.

Well, they probably want a job that isn't drugs, but you get the basic idea of it.

Most people dream of working their dream jobs, or building a family, even traveling the world. I never had any of those, but I've also never even thought about any of those. It's always seemed like that just wasn't in the cards, so I've always just dismissed the idea from my mind.

From what I know, Marci is somewhat similar to me. She's in the same business, and has been for quite some time. Maybe she needed money, and that's how she got into this, but that's none of my business anyway. Well, if that was the case, I will admit, this probably isn't what she saw herself doing either, but the pay wins you over. It'll win anyone over.

I do know that she had a childhood of some sort, having had friends and being around people that presumably loved her. No one sticks around someone they don't want or love, that's just the facts. That being said, lots of children think about their future. I wonder if she ever did. Did she dream of traveling? Did she dream of living in another country? Did she dream of being a famous movie star?

The main point is that having someone bring a fresh perspective into your life can make you question your entire way of thinking.

Am I doing what I want to do?
Do I want to be with someone forever?
Do I want to travel?
What's best for me?

I've known from the beginning, that being here meant being a highly-wanted fugitive. It meant giving up being able to go out whenever and wherever I wanted. It meant giving up having friends that weren't in the organization, but it's not like I ever had any anyways.

But it did mean a steady money source. It meant getting sober. It meant starting over. It meant having people who accepted me. It meant that while sometimes receiving tough love, it was what I needed. It meant finding people who loved me in a different kind of way, if that makes sense.

Looking up at my ceiling, all these thoughts and questions run through my head. I know once you're here, you're in forever in a way. There's no way to ever completely escape the life, people would recognize me just about anywhere, not in a good way.

There's so many destination places I see on TV, from places here in the States to places abroad. Personally, I've always thought they were beautiful, but I've never thought of physically going there. Why would I, anyways?

Sure, if I led a different lifestyle, or my current one wasn't seen by outsiders the way that it is, I could do whatever I want. It's not like money's the problem in all of this, I have more than enough to live comfortably.

Maybe the problem is me. I never thought of if this is what I want my whole life to be forever. Again, it is nice and steady, but its repetitive. Some people like that. I'm not sure if I do, I've never had anything otherwise. It's just what I've known my whole life.

How is it even possible to start going about this? There's so many infinite things to think about, that trying to think about a starting point seems impossible. These are the people I've known for most of my life, and not in an attached way, but I don't see a life without them.

Is there a life without them? Is there a world where I would know them under different circumstances, and be friends with them outside of this? Is there a world where someone would somehow manage to break me down piece by piece without me even realizing it?

Marci seems to be the main central point in all of this, the outsider that isn't one anymore, but got me questioning everything I've ever thought and known. Did she ever see herself with someone?

Probably not, especially not someone she works with. Then again, me neither.

Realizing that I've been zoned out and staring at the ceiling for who knows how long, I start to scold myself for even having the slightest thought about any of this. Everyone's treated me so well here, and this is how I repay them? Questioning everything that's happened from the start?

Maybe you just need that one person to come into your life, that one person that changes everything. Maybe that person is the one who allows you to think of things that you hadn't before.

But I realize there's one question that sits above the rest, the one that decides quite literally everything. The question that no one wants to think about, it seems so absurd and outrageous. 

Then there's that question that comes along with it, the one that can crush everything in an instant.

Is leaving somehow what I want?
Is leaving even an option for me?

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A/N: wrote this in 41 minutes as i was just planning to write a little before i went to sleep- so sorry if it doesn't make sense or is boring and or repetitive.