Chasing Ghosts | Natasha Romanoff

Chapter 82: Getting There

June 21, 2024

''I remember it all.''

Natasha's tears tickled onto her bare skin, flowing freely and without shame. They felt heavy, loaded with guilt and all the built-up pain that released. The sobs falling from her lips were quiet, as always, but they didn't fail to rock her entire body, attempting to suck air into her lungs in between. It balanced on the edge of ugly crying, though desperate crying may be a better word for it.

Her fingertips dug into the white cotton fabric around Katya's waist, wishing it were looser so it could slip between her fists, providing a better grip, something more to ground her. Her warm cheek, as red as her bloodshot eyes, rested against her wife's cold skin, somewhere between her collarbone and the sweetheart neckline of her dress. Yet it didn't feel close enough, instead nearly wishing to crawl into her skin and live there forever, be a part of this woman whose heart may as well be her own, needing it to live.

''I love you. I love you so much. I'm so sorry for how I behaved. I'm really ashamed of myself. Our fight-'' Her words cut off by a forceful, deep inhale, a hitch of breath caused by the heaving of her chest. The silent crying had left her breathless, gasping for air only to lose it in shaky sobs. Katya had rarely seen her like this, such raw emotion. The vulnerable kind.

Instinctively, Katya tightened her arm, squishing Natasha against her body. A deep crease had carved itself between her brows, digging her nose into the soft and great-smelling cloud of fiery hair tickling her chin. Apologies were not necessary. They'd all been through shit lately. ''Baby, don't worry about it.''

Another sob wrecked Natasha's body at the word of affection, never aware it had such a big impact until it hadn't sunk into her ears in weeks. It did not lessen the guilt swarming in her chest, though. No, it only made it worse, all the ways she'd neglected her wife lately, making her feel less deserving of such gentle reassurances.

''No. My behavior was not okay.'' Her head shook as she reluctantly peeled it from Katya's chest, just enough to look comfortably in her eyes. Her jaw was slightly tense, anger at herself adding to the main emotion swirling in her green irises. ''You were totally right to call me out on it.'' A deep breath to stop the sobbing. ''I'm sorry I acted like such a dick. We've never had a fight that bad, and it scared the living shit out of me when you said you were leaving for a while. I would have never forgiven myself if you had.''

Slowly, Katya raised a hand to her rosy cheeks, feeling the salty tears and heated skin underneath the pads of her fingers as she tenderly pushed a strand of red behind Natasha's ear. Instantly, the redhead's face relaxed, a softness creeping into her eyes as they gazed at her. ''Honey. Apology accepted.''

Natasha's lips slightly parted, staring at her like she was the most extraordinary being, blindly entranced. A blush had crept up on her cheeks, though the flusteredness of Katya's gentle touch stood below her somber daydreaming. ''I'm so sorry,'' she muttered again, clenching her lips together to smother the trembles.

Katya's heart clenched at the pained expression. ''Listen to me.'' A warm hand enclosed Natasha's face tenderly, the look on the brunette's face gentle though stern. Her words were slow, articulated perfectly to ensure they were optimally absorbed. But Natasha was like a lost puppy, waiting to be spoken to. ''I don't want you to feel bad. We both said things we didn't mean, and we both did things we're not proud of. But the situation was so weird. I was here, but I wasn't here. We both dealt with that in our own way. What's done is done.''

Tears welled in the redhead's eyes once more. ''I just never meant to make you feel ignored or like I didn't want you around.''

''I know, baby. I know you.'' The soft brush of a thumb on Natasha's cheek did nothing to soothe the guilt. ''You hide when things get emotionally challenging. That's not your fault, it's self-protection you've been taught. And when one is completely lost, one falls back to what they know is safe.''