Five Shadows

Chapter Seventeen

As normal, I woke at 6:17 the next morning. True to Pa's word, I had not missed any work. It made me wonder if I actually had to miss the other days or if the shadows could have finagled time a little then too. The moment I pushed my covers off, I could hear Pa's voice reminding me of my promise to focus on other people. Okay. Today I would focus on other people. How hard could that be? I began with a text to Gwen, "Good Morning! I miss you! Went to a Sarah Montgomery book reading last night- you would have loved it!" After I sent, it occurred to me she wouldn't be up for a few more hours. I hoped she silenced her phone before bed.

Little Cut brought bagels in to the office and I scolded myself. I should have thought of that! I took the last blueberry and waved it in his office. "Thanks for breakfast!" I yelled (there was a time I wouldn't have even thanked him, I thought. Progress!) He was already on the phone but gave me a little salute. Dork. I smiled.

My first call of the day was average, but I caught myself when the caller asked how I was doing. Rather than the usual, "Good, how may I help you?" I expanded. "I'm good, thank you for asking. How are you today?" Unfortunately, he was not good. He'd recently had a hip replacement surgery and he didn't "bounce back like he used to" and his chair was delivered, but it wasn't the one he thought he'd ordered and he couldn't assemble it anyway and blah blah blah. By the time we hung up, my heart wasn't bleeding but I worried my ears might be from his complaining.

The rest of the day was uneventful. Little Cut was in meetings all day, but as he rushed to one, he popped his head in my cube, "Marnie said you guys had fun last night. Thanks for keeping her company." He smiled his silver spoon smile.

"It was very fun. I had a great time," I answered returning his smile with my "if you raise my rent I'll have to move" smile. Carol minded her own business all day, so that was a win. I did hear her grumble that all the blueberry bagels were gone. Sorry, not sorry, Carol!

After work I sat at my kitchen table, alone with a glass of wine. I drummed my fingers on the table. At the end of my beat I picked up the phone and called my brother. No answer. I hung up without leaving a message. That left my sister. She picked up right away, though I could hear my niece wailing in the background.

"Hey, did I catch you at a bad time?" I asked. Morgan screamed.

"For you? Never. Morgan is just having a bit of a day. I'm ignoring the tantrum. It's fun." She sounded like she'd been hit by a dozen cement trucks. "Are you okay? What's going on?"

Was I okay? She was the one who was drowning in a sea of three year old screams. "I'm fine. I was just calling to say hi. How are you?" Her muffled voice was sweet and desperate, "Here pumpkin, draw on this. Make a picture for Daddy." There was more commotion then a huge sigh that almost ate up the happy babbling I heard now from Morgan.

"There. Nothing a few crayons can't fix. So what's up? Did you say you were just calling to say hi?" She sounded skeptical.

"Yeah. And to see how you're doing. I know you have a lot going on with Morgan and (what the heck else did she do? I didn't even know.) things," I finally finished, lamely.

Her laugh dribbled as though she'd drank a smile too quickly. "Well, since you asked. I'm sort of a wreck at the moment. Jeremy is traveling constantly. My house is a disaster and I'm supposed to have the freakin' neighborhood book club here tomorrow. Morgan seems to be done with naps and-" she choked and I could see her covering her mouth, embarrassed at her emotion, "today I saw a mouse in the garage." And the laugh that dribbled one moment ago became a pouring of sobs. "A mouse, Nora! I cannot! And why won't she nap? Whhhhy?" It took me a second to realize she wasn't talking about the mouse napping, but Morgan. "And I can't make mom's lasagna right, Nore. It didn't taste anything like hers and I don't know what to take to Tim's Thanksgiving! I'm just going to buy something. I'm just going to buy something!" She said "buy something" the second time as though resigning to an injury that would take her out of the Olympics.

I wasn't sure if she had stopped crying or if she was crying so hard it was silent. "Abs. Let me help you."

"Oh, I don't need help, Nora. I mean I do, but you have your own stuff going on. I'll manage. Its fine. I'm fine." I wondered why shadows visited me instead of Abby. Even if she didn't need the deep-seeded emotional help I did, they could make themselves useful by watching Morgan for a couple hours or something. My hypocrisy hit me so hard my vision blurred.

"No, listen. I'm coming over tomorrow after work. I'll take Morgan while you get ready for book club. And I'm bringing three pepper pecans. Those are always a crowd-pleaser. Those ladies will be super impressed."

A sniffle.

"Okay? I'm doing it. So just. Deal."

A little giggle. "That would help me out so much, actually."

"Super. See you tomorrow. And Abs?"

"Yeah?"

"You are a really, really great mom. Like. Five stars. Ten out of ten. One hundred percent."

"I'm not. But thank you for saying so."

"You are. And you're welcome." I hung up before she could argue any further. I cringed at my reflection in the mirror. Abby was always so effortlessly together. So quick to roll with the punches. A memory flashed like a viewfinder slide in my brain. The day we found out about mom. Abby showing up, wide-eyed, but tearless to tell me. "We have to tell Eric," she whispered. She didn't use her full voice for weeks after the news. I slipped into a disposal of grief and never did go with her to tell Eric. I forgot she asked me to until right this very moment, holding my phone, slouching on my couch. I shoved the memory off like a wool blanket in the dog days of summer.

"Pecans." I stood and threw a jacket on. Time tohit the store.