I changed for you

10

The brothers tried their best to make their mother comfortable. But no matter how gentle and affectionate they were, the woman couldn't relax. She had forgotten all about the recent events. This made Porchay question if her medicines really worked or the doctors did something to hinder her improvement. Considering she was attacked with the information that she had abandoned her kids and her husband died, one couldn't tell if that's what worsened her memory.
Maybe it would've been better if she didn't uncover all this sorrow. That lady had gone through enough in her lifetime, Chay couldn't help but feel that he was burdening her. After all raising kids was a tough job, even though he was already grown up and independent. Maybe having kids was equally taxing. He was lost. There was no solution he could think of to help his brother or his mother in this situation. The best he could do was to provide support. Certainly this affected Porsche more than it did him.

"Phi, lets leave her alone. We tried and it didn't help. Let's step out for a bit. Maybe time will heal everything on its own." He suggested.
Porsche dropped all effort as if he waiting for someone to say that. He stopped calling and trying to talk to his mother, his shoulders dropped as he surrendered.
The brothers went out into the garden to get some fresh air. No one was addressing the events that took place. But Chay knew he had to tell what had been on his mind for quite some time now. He had realised he didn't like the idea of having a mother. He had lived without one all his life and suddenly getting one when he had learnt he didn't need one was like gifting a toy gun to a skilled sniper. It was useless.

"Phi, I was thinking something." He said looking at Porsche.
The older man puffed out a cloud of smoke from his freshly lit cigarette.
"Yeah? What is it?"
"Do we really need to include her in the family?" Chay blurted out.
A deafening silence engulfed them both. Chay regretted what he had said immediately.

"What I mean was, of course she's part of the family and she's our mother. But do we have to tell her all about us? Do we have to put in so much effort to form a close relation? I mean, is it not okay if we are distant? We can take care of her from afar. What's the difference? She was happy without us anyway. All I see now, when we try to be with her, she's nervous and panicked."
Porsche remained silent. He wasn't smoking anymore. He held on to the lit cigarette in his fingers as he made sense of what his brother had said.

"So you are saying we let things continue like they were before her?"
"Yes, Phi. I know this is hard on you. I know you love her. You spent so much of your childhood with her and the memories still feel fresh. But times have changed. For years we thought she was dead. How can we undo our belief of a decade in a few months and start a happy family?"

"Chay, are you mad? Do you realise we had been believing a lie all these years? It was all a lie. The mourning, the sadness, the loss was a lie. We should let go of all that now! Why are you so stuck in the old times? She's your mother. Accept her. And can you not see her? She's sick. She needs us the most now. But look at you. You are standing here telling me you want to abandon her." Porsche had never been this angry with Chay. This was the first time he felt like he had done something terribly wrong.

"Our uncle was family too. He betrayed us, Phi. I hope you don't forget. He kept secrets all these years. And so has this woman."
Porsche's eyes widened. He heard his brother refer to their mother as "a woman." It felt like a punch to the stomach.

"How dare you accuse her of betraying us? She is in no condition to look after you Chay. I can not believe you are so selfish. So you want her to cook meals for you, take care of you etc to 'accept' her as your mother? Is that your definition of family?"
The atmosphere had become tense. The fight was escalating quicker than what Porchay had anticipated. But what surprised him most was his own blunt replies. He somehow didn't care. If his brother could show anger he could match it.
"She only loves you! Can't you see? She accepts me when you ask her to and she forgets me when she forgets you. She has memories with you. The phoenix, she drew it for you. I've never been something for her. Yes, she gave birth to me but that's all there is to our relationship. I have her blood but do I have her love? You were the only one who ever cared for me truly and I wanted to help you build something you always longed for. But it's hurting me Phi! It's starting to hurt me! Why am I being rejected all the time? Why do people keep lying to me? Why am I the one who's left being? Everyone took advantage of my innocence. Even P'Kim! I wanted to be a musician like him and he used me. I still like him but I would never be able to forget the pain he gave me. And it's the same thing here again. Ma was hidden and suddenly she's back but will the pain ever be forgotten? The neglect that she has given me, even though unintentionally, who is gonna cure it? You? No! I have to deal with that myself and I just don't have the energy. I'm tired Phi. I'm tired of trying. I'm so sorry I couldn't be your supportive brother, I'm sorry I couldn't help you with Ma. I'm so sorry."
Chay broke down in tears. Porsche had dropped the cigarette and was hugging his brother. He was shocked by his brother's confessions. He had to see things from a new light.

In the midst of the whole mafia war, the family drama and his love life, Porsche had completely forgotten about Chay's well being. He knew the kid just got into college, which was overwhelming in itself but he realised he never knew about Kim and how much their mother's presence affected him.

It was true Chay had stayed by his side all the time. And he had tried to provide Chay with as much comfort as he could, yet he had somehow failed to fulfil one simple need. To include him in his life. To give him a shoulder to cry on.
His brother was still young, still learning. Both of them had seen hard times. But where he could lean on Kinn, these days he had completely forgotten to give a shoulder to Chay.
We all need something to lean onto after all.
He hugged his brother as tightly as he could, apologising and comforting him while doing so.
They both needed that. To let it all out. Times hadn't been grateful even though they had come so far. Food and shelter were guaranteed for them but their inner turmoils pushed them down.

Chay held onto his brother for dear life. He had a complete breakdown and now his thoughts processed whatever had happened. He realised he owed his brother far too much to be complaining and uncooperative. But at the same time he didn't want to participate in his mother's treatment. The dilemma still crushed him.

No. He won't be a crybaby. The lesson he had learnt from all the rejections, all the betrayal and the neglect was to stick by yourself. In the end his own strength would propel him forward.
He decided he would try, he decided he would give his mother another chance. He decided he would be there for everyone. He would be the shoulder now, not Porsche. He owed his brother this much.

He just needed time to get his strength back.