I changed for you

8

Kim couldn't sleep all night. He couldn't describe the date. He was so confused with everything that happened. Chay was hot and cold the next second. He couldn't make sense of it at all.

He dropped on his bed, face first, burring his face in the mattress. Was this when people let out a silent scream? Yep it was.
He pulled a pillow and screamed into it. His whole brain had become the fireworks which he saw exploding in the sky.
"What the fuck was that? What was he doing?" He said to no one in particular.

He understood what people meant when they called their beloved a drug. He was experiencing withdrawal symptoms. Porchay's soft hands felt like the ultimate bliss the world could offer. An electric shock went up Kim's spine when he had held on to the small hands. He could pay anything to relive that one moment. The man was blushing just thinking about it.
The things Chay did to him!

But he was drowned in a sense of confusion again. Chay was acting weird when the date began, they barely talked, it was awkward as fuck and Chay barely showed any interest or affection. Then suddenly he let him get close, hold his hands. Eventually he pulled away. What could any of this mean?

Did he really forgive him? Or was it just an impulsive statement that came out of pity? Kim was crying when Chay had said that. It was entirely possible that Chay still hated him and agreed to the date hastily.

Fuck. What if he hated him? But why? What went wrong? Should he give Chay more time? Was it too rushed? But Chay set up the date himself...
Was the date a form of sympathy? Had Chay seen him suffer and pitied him? He did want Chay to notice he's changed but not like this. Kim was panicking. He wanted to find a corner and hide forever. What had he done?

He was the strong, reliable brother all his life yet he couldn't take care of one thing. And now he was being pitied. How he hated taking Tankhun's advices to "open up more" and "to show feels." This was stupid. It was all stupid.
Somewhere deep down though, he liked it. He was able to let his tears flow. He was able to talk, he was able to feel confused, he was able to scream. Suffering in silence was much more painful. He could always ask for support.

Yes. He should ask for support. He thought of talking to Tankhun. It was late but his brain was muddled with so many thoughts he couldn't think logically.
"Phi?" He entered Tankhun's room.
"Why can't people let me sleep? This happened yesterday too. I'm so done!" Khun groaned, eyes still closed.
"I-"
"Yeah, I know. You couldn't tell him you love him. Kim, I swear to god, you are one love sick bitch. The world won't end if you two didn't kiss and hug and write poems for each other all the time."
Kim stayed silent.
"Look. It is not a smooth ride always. Everything is not lovey dovey all the time. It will take time for things to get sweet again. This is the first step, an achievement you should celebrate. He talked at least. Chay is just confused considering everything that happened with you two and his family. Don't think too much and go back to fucking sleep."
Khun fell back on the bed and turned away.
Kim was reassured. His brother wasn't useless after all. His thoughts cleared up a bit and he left.

But he wasn't the only one who was restless.
Chay stared at his ceiling, unable to stop his thoughts. He had observed something about himself too. He had become cold. He had become distant.

"P'Kim brought the roses for me and I didn't even say thank you. Get a hold on yourself!" He was mentally cursing his own actions.
Why did he avoid all chances to talk? They did not even have a comfortable silence. It was awkward and Chay blamed himself partly for the way it all went.
No compliments, fake smiles, nothing. There was nothing special about the date. Was he mistaken about his feelings for Kim?

No. He definitely felt a spark when their hands touched. Kim's warm hands left a lingering feeling inside Chay. He wanted to feel them again and again. He wanted them glued to his own, never separating. He was intoxicated by their gentleness.

Yet the hold had been firm. A good delicate firm. The one that doesn't hurt. It protects. Chay felt butterflies in his stomach. Kim had been the sweetest he had ever seen. he held his hand, even though Chay hadn't reciprocated the gesture. He still held on.

"P'Kim won't let go." These words echoed inside chay's mind. His eyes welled up with tears. What had he become? He was not some cold hearted monster. He could not reject P'Kim. His P'Kim.

He let the tears fall silently.

It hadn't been the same. It wasn't the very comfort Chay had known. It was new, foreign and uncertain. From Chay's side maybe. But this warmth, wasn't the one he was looking for.

It was just reminiscent. A copy. A fake. A duplicate of what they had. When everything was right. When Chay wss oblivious to the events that had now become an ever present reality.

He sobbed. He hated everything. His brothers empty room. His mother's "resurrection." His inability to be with Kim. His own stupidity. He hated it all.

Be strong Chay. You are not the old naive little boy now.
A voice in his head dominated all others.

He fell silent immediately.
It was only fair. To take revenge. The world had been cruel to him for so long. Why should he not retaliate?

But he regretted his actions no matter how much he tried to convince himself. The failure of their date was his fault. He was only trying to protect himself. His emotions confused him and he ruined everything. But it would do no good to sulk now.

He closed his eyes and prayed P'Kim
would understand.