Moving On (Destiel)

36: Can You Feel The Love Tonight

He had enough from Dean. That boy never told him anything, and Cas was done worrying, done caring. It had no effect whatsoever; it only hurt himself. And he didn't need that pain. He didn't want that pain.

Love sucked.

That was until Dean softly knocked at his door and suddenly stood there. The blonde hair that hadn't been cut in a while framed his face and brought out his shimmering green eyes, and Cas' curse stuck in his throat, and so did his breath.

Dean looked exhausted, tired, absolutely done. Dark circles under his eyes let him seem older than he was, his skin was unnaturally pale, almost unhealthy, and the corners of his mouth were turned down as if he hadn't smiled in a long time.

Cas longed for Dean's smile.

And yet, Cas' heart pounded in his chest, and every inch of his body inwardly screamed at him, shouting out how Dean was the most beautiful creature Cas had ever laid eyes on.

"Hello, Dean," he croaked out.

"Cas." Dean didn't say anything for a long while, then sighed. "Can I come closer?"

Cas nodded and watched how Dean approached him, stopping in front of the bed.

This was probably a good time to sit up.

Not managing to muffle a groan, Cas straightened up from his reclining position on the bed and moved over to make room for Dean. It was far too late for him to be awake – they had school the next day – but he couldn't shut his eyes. And he couldn't stop thinking about Dean. 

Sleep was optional.

"Cas. I wanted to... I know it's late, but please listen to me. I'm sorry. The way I treated you yesterday... that was not right. I had a very bad day, and an even worse- something ahead, and I let it out on you, and I'm really, really sorry.

Cas listened in silence. He didn't say anything, but not because nothing Dean said would ease his anger like the day Dean had left him standing, but because he had nothing to say. He didn't know what to.

"I hope that didn't destroy any chance of us... getting back to being friends like we were," Dean continued, and the pain in his voice was so audible that it broke Cas's heart.

"It didn't," he promised Dean quietly. "We still have a chance, it's not... not over. It's just... complicated."

"It always is, ain't it?", Dean chuckled sadly.

And there he was. He had just been laying on his bed, cursing Dean and his undeniable feelings when said boy came in and turned his mind upside-down, just by being there.

 And he couldn't say he didn't enjoy it. He didn't want to let Dean go, not even out of this room. But it'd be the smartest of him. If he let Dean in again, he would probably disappoint him again, and Cas didn't know if he could deal with that.

But without a brain and a bunch of unordered, hormone-driven feelings controlling his body it wasn't easy to be smart. And if it meant to have Dean here, right beside him, he didn't want to be smart. 

He was even ready for the pain that'd come when he realized he didn't mean enough to Dean not to let him down. As long as Dean would stay here.

And there was the problem. Cas welcomed Dean letting him down, if only they were together for a while before that. And all the while he'd curse Dean for not being better, and himself for being so desirous of Dean that he allowed all this to happen.

It was not healthy.

He felt a painful stab in his heart at the realization.

"I wanna forgive you, Dean," Cas said after a long pause that felt like forever. The fact of Dean just a few inches next to him, so close that they could easily touch, made him go crazy.