Moving On (Destiel)

38: Dean's overdue sexuality crisis

When Dean awoke, he lacked orientation for a second and panicked – that was until he heard Cas's soft, steady breathing, and immediately calmed down. Cas was here. With him. Everything was right in the world.

He let his head fall down on the pillow again, his gaze directed to the ceiling. There was nothing on there, nothing to focus on, yet he imagined it to be the black night sky, full of stars, thousands of little lights that brightened up his world. 

Sometimes he'd do that. Be cheesy and chick-flicky on purpose; he couldn't help being a helpless romantic, but he'd never show anyone.

Who could he?

His little brother, who'd make fun out of him? His friends in school, Benny, Jo, Ash? Yeah, sure, because they were all so romantic. And his drug fellas... because that would gain him so much respect at the scene.

And here was Cas... Dean really wanted to tell Cas about his little daydreams. Show him his imagined favorite places, maybe find one together to call their own little place.

Dean wanted to show Cas his real self.

Even though he had no idea how the boy would react. Nor if he could even do it. Dean had been hiding, had had this wall up for so long, he wasn't sure he himself knew what lay behind it anymore.

Dean sat up, looking at the peaceful, beautiful face of a sleeping Cas. For that boy he would try, that he knew for certain. There was something calm and timeless about his features, something that made Dean feel safe. Feel home.

But to the same time, he couldn't figure Cas out, either. He first appeared to be simple structured, with all he embodied, easy to predict, but if you got to know him better, you'd realize the complexity of his being. How complicated he was to study.

Dean wasn't nervous often, but around Cas, he always was. Not only didn't he know what to say when his breath was taken away by the sight of his best friend, and his words glued to his tongue, but he was nervous as what to say since he couldn't guess Cas's possible reaction. He didn't behave normally, in patterns.

Dean had tried to learn as much about Cas as possible, using the knowledge he had prevented from before, from when Cas was a child and gave a lot more away of himself than now. But after all this time, Dean had to admit, he had still no clue what was going on in Cas's pretty little head.

He was at a loss when it came to Cas. Both mentally and physically, since he couldn't control his body stimuli from reacting whenever his eyes met Cas's, or they touched. He didn't know what Cas was thinking about. 

And he didn't know what he himself was thinking about Cas. Or their relationship.

But maybe that was so exciting about the whole thing.

Cas shifted in his sleep and Dean smiled. He was so cute when he slept. And when he was awake, too. From the neutral sight of a heterosexual.

Although... was he really that? Heterosexual?

Dean would be lying if he pretended he had never thought about his identity, and his sexuality before. He'd be lying if he said he'd never swooned over male film stars. But he'd always thought that was common. Hormones. Teenager crap. Puberty.

Was he maybe wrong? Did all of that mean... was he gay?

He wasn't comfortable thinking that. He wasn't homophobic, and he knew Sam wouldn't mind either, and his brother was the one opinion he'd care about. He didn't waste a thought on John. If he considered that miserable asshole as a source for good life choices, he'd have sunken on a deeper level than bearable.