love letters | shourtney

i.

Light dances on the water around me, reflecting patterns on my skin, the sand, soft under my feet. I move further into the water, feeling it pushing lightly against my skin, warning me to go back to the shore. Ignoring it, I duck under a wave and on the other side of it I find myself almost completely submerged. 

I left myself sink, bending my legs underneath me. The burn of salt water in my eyes causes me to scrunch up my face. Releasing the pressure, I open my eyes again. The water is clear and the suns rays still reach out and caress my face. Pushing off of the ground, I swim further out. 

As I swim out, the water becomes harder and harder to swim through, the sunlight starting to disappear. 

Panic sets in, I'm running out of air. I try kicking up to the surface, but to no avail. I scream, but no sound escapes my lips, only a few bubbles struggle their way away from me. Everything starts to blur. Even underwater I can feel tears building in my eyes.

Hands appear in my peripheral. They wrap around my waist and pull me back towards the shore. I close my eyes and let whoever it is drag me through the water. Their skin is warm on mine. I feel safe.

The hands retract from my waist as we reach the shore. Gasping for air on my hands and knees, the figure becomes more familiar. I close my eyes to help calm myself. 

"Are you okay?" He reaches out his hand again and touches my cheek. His voice is calming. I lean into his touch.

"I'm fine." I open my eyes again. 

"Courtney, I-" The visual disappears. 

My alarm blares in my mind, drawing me from the dream. God fucking dammit. I roll onto my back and shut off the screaming of my phone. Tensing my whole body as I stretch, I let out a frustrated sigh that comes out as more of a grunt. I'm still so tired. My sleep lately has been so messed up. 

All because of him. 

Almost every night when I drift away into soft slumber, I see his face. Dream or nightmare, he never ceases to appear. Sometimes I can't look him in the eye at the office because of what my mind has concocted the night prior. 

I wish my mind would just leave me alone. It's gonna mess everything up. 

Letting out another sigh, I turn to check my phone. Unplugging it turns it on, making the brightness burn into my tired eyes. One missed call from Olivia and a few Instagram notifications meet my eyes when I reopen them. It takes all my energy to keep my grip tight on my phone so I don't drop it on my face. 

I open the picture of Olivia and I that I posted last night. I was at her house until 11, hanging out with her and Sam. I was mostly there to spend time with Grizzy, their pup. Spending time with him helps remind me of Jango, who I miss dearly, even though I have my cats now. 

I scroll through the comments, seeing a lot of heart emojis and kind words. The second I see his name in a comment, I close Instagram. It was probably some fan who ships us together asking if he was there. He wasn't. I made sure Olivia didn't invite him. I didn't tell her why, but she obliged without question, which I'm extremely grateful for. 

Avoiding him outside of work is my only way of avoiding a slip up. I cannot afford him finding out that I keep dreaming about him. And thinking about him. And wanting the burning sensation on my skin that I feel every time our hands touch. 

I sit up, angry at my own thoughts. I cannot feel like this. I don't even know what it is I'm feeling. 

I look at the time. It's 7:30. They don't need me at work until 2. I asked Ian about a week ago if I could come in late today, so he ended up moving around the schedule. I felt horrible inconveniencing everyone else, but I desperately needed a session with my therapist. 

Things have been building up for a while. 

My appointment is at 10, leaving me only an hour and a half to get ready knowing LA traffic. I push myself to the side of my bed and press my cold fingertips onto my cheeks and up to my eyes. 

You've got this, Court. 

----------

Dr. T calls my name. "Courtney?" 

I push myself off of the couch in the waiting room and follow her down the hall to her office. I've been here a lot in the past year, so I make myself comfortable very quickly, dropping my bag at the door. I fall into her couch, grabbing a pillow to hug while I stare at the ceiling. 

"So, what can I do you for today?" She sits opposite me in her arm chair. She looks so comfy in her beige cardigan and baggy jeans. I'm starting to regret not wearing a hoodie or a jacket, it's so cold today. 

"Everything's building up and I can't wrap my head around all of it at once." Heavily squeezing the pillow, I force my eyes closed and start to tell her about the last few weeks. 

The writers and I have been working on a few scripts for Brianna Boho and the LaMace family. On top of that I've been directing some big sketches and I've been doing some branding stuff outside of Smosh. Not to mention the fight I'm in with Kari right now. Then there's him. If me thinking about him constantly wasn't one of my problems, I'd go to him with all this. I mean, I went to him about Kari shortly before I started dreaming about him. 

"Sounds like a lot, Court. I do want to talk about your sister, but can we start with your feelings for this 'him'? That seems to be weighing you down the most." I nod, starting to form coherent sentences in my head for whatever questions she might ask. She doesn't know my friends names because I always feel guilty talking about them, so I didn't bother using his name. "When did you start noticing your feelings for him?"

"I would say that it was only about a few weeks ago, but I think it's longer than that. I've known him for a long time, almost 7 years now. I think... I think the feeling might have always been there?" The sudden realisation hits me like a truck. Tears quickly come forward, but I can't cry, my makeup took far too long for that. 

"Are you closer with him than your other coworkers? There is a possibility that your feelings aren't what you think they are. There's always a multitude of reasons for feelings like this and for dreaming about the ones we keep close."

"I mean, I've always felt closer to him than I do with a lot of people at Smosh. We started around the same time, we had our callbacks together. I guess I've just always had the opportunity to be closer to him." She could be right, I'm not even convinced these feelings are real. For all I know, I could just be confused with everything that's going on right now. 

My phone rings loudly from my pocket, making me jump. 

"It's alright, you can take it if you want." Dr. T stands up to get something from her desk. I nod and pull it from my pocket. God dammit, it's him. 

I hurts every time I ignore him and I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to hear his voice right now. It always makes me feel just a little bit better. I slide my thumb across my screen and put it to my ear. 

"Hey Court." His voice sends a warmth through my body. 

"Hey Shayne."

i.