love letters | shourtney

vi.

I open the notebook and stare at the first page. It's empty of course, but for some reason I just expected something to be there. I'm not sure what, though. Maybe instructions on what to write, or how to feel. I shake my head to shake the thought away and check that I didn't wake up Olivia.

She drove me back to my apartment after I had calmed down and I gathered some things. We also stopped at a McDonalds drive-through on the way back to get dinner. The greasiness mixed with my jumbled emotions made me feel like a drunk, heartbroken teenager.

Olivia convinced me when we got back to sleep in her bed with her instead of on the couch. I'm grateful for her pushing me. Her couch is nice, but her bed is way better. She has luxurious sheets. She says it's Sams' Goldbergs money.

I look back at the notebook. I have a sudden need to write in it. I pull a pen from the bedside table and click it quietly.

Dear Diary, 

Wait no, I'm not 12 anymore. I scribble that out and start over. 

I have feelings for Shayne. 

I don't know at what exact point in time in which I started developing feelings for him, but today I admitted, out loud, that I have feelings for him. Real feelings that I can't ignore or avoid. I think that they were always there, but of late I was probably too distracted to keep repressing them. And now I can never go back on saying it, because I told Olivia.  

Dr. T said to write how I feel after talking with him or being around him, but I'm gonna write about all my feelings, Shayne related or not.

Today, after he chased me around like the idiots we are, I had a panic attack behind a set at work. But, Shayne was there and he hugged me and it made me feel better. I don't mean to sound like a caveman, but that's how I felt. Even before the panic attack, just being alone in the room with him, even when I couldn't see him, I felt giddy and excited. 

When I was saying goodbye to him, I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay by his side. I wanted it to just be me and him. His eyes looked so beautiful and his touch made me feel warm and safe. He was so worried about me, but he didn't make me feel uncomfortable with my vulnerability like the majority of my exes have. I liked not having my feelings minimalised. 

When I explained everything to Olivia, we figured out that my feelings for him are real. That was scary and I cried a lot. I think I'm dehydrated. 

She didn't make me feel dumb and she didn't get angry or jealous over me keeping things from her. She helped me think about things logically, because everything to do with Shayne makes me forget how to use my brain. I don't hate it though, it makes me feel free. Back to Olivia, I appreciate her a lot, and that's all I really need to say. 

She suggested that I still write in this even though I've figured out that the feelings are real, for the sole purpose that I can get all my thoughts out to review. It's also so I can deal with my emotions and my feelings for him without ignoring or avoiding him so I don't lose him. 

I did some research and apparently a good way to help handle feelings about or for someone is to write letters to them. You never send these letters, unless after you've dealt with the problem, you're comfortable enough for them to read it. In my case, I will never give Shayne any letters I write him. Ever. 

Maybe one day, if I no longer have feelings for him, I'll tell him how I feel, just so he knows it happened. I hate keeping secrets from him, and it would be nice to know how he feels about something like this. He's always had trouble dating, which sucks, because he's so fucking awesome. Pardon my french. 

My heart isn't set on writing him letters or even just a letter, but I think it's worth a try. Not tonight though. It's 3 am and I have a long day ahead of me. Olivia will also be mad if she wakes up and finds me still sitting here fantasising over a boy who has no clue about what I'm writing right now. 

If future me is reading this, there's probably only three different outcomes. 

1) You're really sad because you still have feelings for Shayne and he's in some fantastical relationship and his life is great and you're a bag of trash still in a tiny one bedroom apartment with plumbing issues. If that is my future, I hope things get better? And I'm sorry to hear that. 

2) You no longer have feelings for Shayne and you found this so you could tell him about it. My prediction is that this is highly unlikely, but there's always a chance. If Shayne is reading this, ha, you made me cry, you loser. :p

3) Somehow, I got with Shayne and everything is great and I love my life and I love him and he loves me... Yeah, never mind. If this is what happened, which it's not and it's the first option future Courtney living vicariously through his fantabulous partner, but if it is, holy shit, good job, I'm so proud of you. Do not show this to him though, because he will definitely break up with you, you actual psycho nutcase. 

I'm not sure if I should show this to Dr. T anymore, it's a little bit... unprofessional? I don't know. Anyway, I'm gonna stop writing now. My hand hurts and I'm really tired. Guess it's time to have some nightmare in which he will save me and take care of me and... I ran out of things that he could do in the nightmare I'm about to have. 

Goodnight, I guess? This is going to take some getting used to.

I roll my eyes at my own awkwardness and close the notebook. Despite my tragicness, it felt satisfying. I hook the pen through the spiral part of the book and place it lightly on the bedside table, careful to not wake Olivia. 

She shifts in her sleep to face me and I kiss her forehead lightly. She hums sleepily and I smile. 

"Thank you." I whisper before closing my eyes and waiting for my mind to betray me while I sleep. 

----------

I look around the beach. The breeze is calm, but strong and the tide is quiet. Everything is peaceful. I can handle this.

A large wicker hat gets placed upon my head. I look to the hand and follow a defined bicep up to an all too familiar face. His hand traces my arm before pulling my hand up towards his face. He kisses it softly and then tugs me into a warm embrace. I'm safe. This is safe. This is home.

He tightens his grip around me and lifts me up. I look down into his eyes. Anyone would think they're a reflection of the sky. A perfect blue.

He lowers me and I steady my feet in the sand, our eyes still connected. He reaches a hand up to touch my cheek and rests it on my jaw. Slowly dragging his thumb across my bottom lip, his eyes dart from my lips, and then to my eyes, and then back to my lips. All I do is nod.

The distance between us closes. 

Another alarm wakes me up from my peaceful paradise.

"God. Fucking. Dammit." My voice is hoarse, my throat is dry and my brain is burning like a bitch. This is unfair, I didn't even drink last night. 

"Morning." Olivia whispers next to me. 

"No, no. I'm going back to sleep." I turn over, but she pulls the blankets off of me as she sits up. 

"We had a deal Miss Miller. If you want to shower this morning, you better get your ass out of this bed and get ready for the gym."

"But-"

"I don't care, lady. Let's go, up and at 'em." I roll my eyes at her perkiness. As she disappears towards the kitchen, I sit up and think about my dream. 

"Fuck." I whisper to no one but myself. Lifting my hand up, I trace my bottom lip with my thumb. I close my eyes and picture him on the beach. "I hate you." I whisper again, smiling at the visual of him. 

"I really, really hate you."

vi.