love letters | shourtney

iv.

I run past the social team pen, getting a few stares, but I can't stop to explain. I can hear Shayne chasing after me. I'm way ahead of him, but stopping even briefly could cost me. 

The only place I know where we won't bother anyone with our antics is the sketch stage. I push open the door and hide behind the TNTL set. I hear him walking around, tapping the walls to try and spook me out like a mouse. I can't tell if my heart is beating faster from the running or from the idea of being alone with him. 

Dammit, I'm supposed to be avoiding stuff like this until I figure out my feelings. Everything goes quiet. 

I think he might have left the room. 

Originally a sense of safety sets in, knowing that I can take a breather, but after a while a panic replaces it, washing all over my whole body. I start pinching my hand trying to remind myself that I'm awake, that this isn't like the nightmares I've had several nights in a row. I sink down, hitting the wall behind me. It's loud and I know he heard it, the sound of rushed footsteps moving around the room. 

Tears spike in my eyes, I can't calm down. All the overwhelming feelings of this day punch me in the face as the tears start to fall. I pull my legs as close to my chest as possible and hide my face against my knees. 

"Courtney." His voice is so soft. So worried.

I don't look up at him, I can't. This little break in my stability is purely based on the fact that I can't handle or regulate my own thoughts and feelings. He knows me to be stronger than this. The cold feeling of embarrassment crawls around under my skin. There isn't much space between the TNTL set and the padded walls of the stage, and it feels like it's closing in on me. 

His footsteps approach me. 

"Hey." He kneels next to me and places a hand on my shoulder. The burning sensation flickers under my skin, thawing the cold feeling of embarrassment. "Look at me." Slowly, I lift my head to meet his eyes. The typical strength of the blue is covered away by worry and the lack of light makes them softer than I've ever seen them. 

"I'm sorry." I whisper, trying to hide my face again. He lightly pushes his hand against my shoulder to tell me to look back up. 

"It's okay. You're okay." He holds out his hands for me to take. I place mine in his and he pulls me up. Allowing no time for me to hide or turn away, he pulls me into a tight hug, his arms tightening around my waist. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I press my chin into his collar, careful to not get any makeup on his shirt. "You don't have to tell me anything, okay? Just know that I'm here, and that you're safe." 

This isn't the first time this has happened, me breaking down over something and him coming to rescue me. Whenever I'd fight with Wahlid he would always know how to make me feel better, and when we broke up he'd always check on me when I wasn't at work. When Defy shut down, he'd come find me and just sit with me in my hiding places at Ian's house. 

He never ceases to amaze me. I guess that's just possible after knowing him for 7 years. We just know how each others minds work. 

He knows how to protect me from myself. 

----------

"Are you gonna be okay?" He asks quietly as he walks me back to our desks. We stayed behind the TNTL set for about half an hour. 

"I'll be fine. It was nothing really." I loved being with him, being in his arms, but it's hard to figure things out when my minds a mess because of his presence. At least I have something to write about in the notebook Dr. T gave me now. 

"Courtney, I hate pushing you on stuff like this, but that didn't seem like nothing." He stops me at my desk. He searches my eyes for an explanation. I can't help but want to just stay in silence, staring into his eyes of cerulean. These feelings have to be real, there's no other explanation. 

"There's just a lot going on in my head. But, I promise I'm fine. I just... I haven't been sleeping great lately. I don't handle my emotions well when I'm tired, you know that better than anyone." He nods understandingly. 

"You know that I'd drop anything to help to you, so please don't keep this to yourself if it's too much. I'm here, always." I was so caught up in his eyes that I didn't even notice his hand on my arm, his thumb lightly drawing circles into my skin. 

"I know." I smile, grateful of even just his presence. I pull back from him, turning to my desk, already missing the feeling of his skin on mine. So much for cleaning up my desk a little. I grab my bag from my chair and just throw a few things back into it. 

"You heading out now?" He looks me up and down, his eyebrows still furrowed with concern. 

"Yeah, I promised Olivia I'd spend the night with her and I'm running late for that." I bite the inside of my cheek. "I'll see you tomorrow." I have to escape now or I'll never leave, no matter how badly I want to stay with him. 

"See you." He looks back to his desk as I begin to walk away. Not even 10 feet from his desk I stop and turn around. 

"Shayne?" My voice is so quiet I'm not even sure he heard it until he looks up. 

"Yeah?"

"Can I have another hug?" I whisper. My mind is screaming at me to turn around and run all the way to my car, but my heart so desperately wants to be close to him again. I can't help it. 

I walk into his open arms and pull him as close to me as possible. I don't want him to let go of me. I don't want to have to figure out what I'm feeling for him. I just want to be able to stay like this forever. Being with him makes me forget everything. All the good and all the bad washes away with the tide of his ocean eyes and it's just me and him. Just how I want it. 

"You don't have to go." He says after a while. 

"I promised Olivia." I fight back more tears as I pull away. "Bye, Shayne." It takes all the power I have in my body to walk away. I just keep walking. I give short waves to people around the office as I walk past them. I push my whole body weight into the front door and break out into a sprint towards my car. 

I can't even be bothered to go home. I barely even put my seatbelt on before I'm out on the road. I don't register the traffic as I drive towards Olivia's apartment. I act on autopilot, all the way to the elevator. I don't even remember pressing her floor number by the time I get out of it. 

Knocking on her door, my vision starts to blur with tears. 

"Aren't you here a little early?" She jokes as she opens the door. "Courtney?"

iv.