love letters | shourtney

ii.

"Hey Court." 

"Hey Shayne." I sit up on the couch so my voice doesn't sound so nasally. 

"I was just, uh... Ian said you were coming in late today. I just wanted to check that you're like, okay." He sounds like he's walking somewhere in a rush.

"Yeah, I'm just..." I look up at Dr. T She's still at her desk looking for something, but I can tell she's listening. "I had something to do this morning. Are you good? You sound like you're in a rush." I watch Dr. T's reaction to me concealing the truth, but she doesn't say anything. 

"Yeah, Keith being Keith is late and they need someone for Board AF. I'm just on my way there."

"Why'd you call me now if you're in a rush?" Dr. T comes back and sits in her chair, a notebook in hand.

"It's been my first free moment all day. Gym, minor meeting, sketch filming. Busy morning." A door opens and I hear Damien's voice in the background. "Hey, I gotta go, I'm on set now. I'll see you later though, right?" I don't want him to go. 

"Y-Yeah. I'll see you soon." I smile as I say goodbye, even though he can't see me. The sound of the call ending rings in my ear and I drop my hands to my lap. 

"Let me guess, that was 'him'?" Dr. T raises an eyebrow. I sigh and lie back down dramatically. 

"Yeah." I whisper, eyes focused on the light fixture above me. 

"You didn't tell him you were at this appointment. Is there a story there, or is it solely because of your possible feelings for him?" She shifts in her chair and crosses her legs. 

"He's really busy at work. I didn't want to bother him." The last time I told him I had an emergency therapy session he left the set of The Goldbergs early to come over to my apartment and check on me. He was lucky he didn't get in trouble. I feel her eyes on me. "What?"

"Do you avoid him so you don't have to deal with your feelings?" Bullseye. I groan in contemplation. 

"It's easier that way. Until I figure out whatever it is I'm feeling for him, I don't want to pull him into the whirlwind that is my messy emotions." I bring the pillow back into my arms. 

"I have an activity to help you with just that. Figuring out your feelings, that is." She turns my attention to the notebook. "You said yourself that you think this feeling has been around for along time, but even still, I think that you need to figure out what that feeling is. It will only become harder the more you ignore it." 

"Each time you see or talk to him, I want you to write about how you feel. You've told me about the diaries you had when you were younger, think of it like that. And these dreams, I want you to record what happens in them, there could be some other things for us to talk about there. I'll set up another appointment for next week, and we can go through it all together then."

"If you don't feel comfortable writing about any of the experiences, then you don't have to, but for the most part, I would really like you to try this. Does that sound good?" I nod. If I write it all down, it might be easier to sort through it. She hands me the notebook and I hold it close to my chest.

"Thank you." I whisper. I just want this all to solve itself. 

"We still have a while before our session is up, would you like to talk about your sister?" I push my feelings for Shayne out of my mind and start explaining what's going on between Kari and I. 

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I drop into my car and throw my bag in the back. Talking with Dr. T didn't really solve much, but at least we have a plan in set. I'll write in the notebook and when I see her next Thursday, we'll go through it. 9 days. It's only 9 days. You've got this. 

The drive to the office was peaceful, even though the traffic was horrible. I sang along to a few songs on the radio and played with my driving slinky when I got stuck at particularly bad sets of lights. Between each song, my mind sometimes skipped back to thinking about Shayne, but I was able to keep him out of mind for the majority of the drive. 

The second I see the office, I begin to panic again. This happens almost every time I get here. Even the thought of being near Shayne makes me worried that I'll slip up. After parking, I rest my head on the steering wheel for a good ten minutes. I made it here with half an hour to spare, so I have time to prepare myself. 

Cold air attacks me when I step out of my car pulling my small backpack over one shoulder. Not wearing a jacket is really starting to bite me in the ass. The sound of someone running towards me pulls me away from thinking about my poor clothing choices. Shortly after looking up, Olivia locks me into a tight hug. 

"Courtney!" She squeezes me aggressively. 

"Nice to see you too?" She pulls away, a crazy look in her wild eyes. "You alright?"

"I was worried about you." Seriousness replaces the look on her face. 

"Why?" I laugh awkwardly. "I'm fine?"

"You didn't call me when you got home last night, and you didn't pick up or text me when I called to check on you. Then you didn't show up to work and I started panicking. All the worst things came to mind." Guilt strikes me through the chest. "I knew you were probably fine but I couldn't help it."

"I'm so sorry, Liv. I was so tired when I got home last night. After I showered I passed out immediately." She looks like she's scanning my face. "What?" 

"You're eyes are... puffy. Either you've been crying this morning, or you lied and you didn't sleep at all last night." She pokes my cheek before linking arms with me, pulling me towards the office. 

"It's kinda a combo? I did sleep, just not well." She squeezes my arm to comfort me. "Aaand, I had an appointment this morning." I bite the inside of my cheek. 

"Wait, what?" She stops us just inside the kitchen. "Are you okay?" Her grip on my hands tightens. 

"Yeah, not a doctor. Uh, therapist. So, I mean, kind of a doctor, but, you know." My words are all jumbled. Olivia pulls me into another hug. I get why she reacted so heavily. She knows how terrified I am of doctors appointments. 

"I'm always here if you need a non-professional to talk to." I feel safe in her arms. Comfortable. 

"Yo, Courtney! How were you later than Keith today?" Noah comes through the other door to the kitchen, Keith only a few seconds behind. 

"If one of y'all opted into picking me up, I wouldn't have been so late. Y'all know I can't get here myself." He complains as he sits down. I smile at their antics. 

"Learn to drive, loser." Olivia lets go of me and pokes her tongue out at him. I laugh at the two of them as they continue making fun of each other. Noah taps my arm and nods his head away from them. I follow him over to the fridge, crossing my arms so I can lean on the counter next to it. 

"You alright?" He lowers his voice so they can't hear him. "Pretty intense hug we walked in on." He rests a hand on mine. 

"Yeah, just a lot going on in this messy head of mine." He smiles sympathetically, moving his hand. 

"Lemme know if there's anything that I can do to assist with the mess." I smile back, everyone here is so supportive, I love them so much. I reach my now free hand up and ruffle his mop of freshly coloured hair affectionately. 

"Will do, you clown." He reacts with a toothy grin. "Hey, do you know where Ian is? I should let him know I'm here." I fix my bag strap on my arm. 

"Yeah, he should be in his office. I just came from there." He salutes me goodbye before calling out to Keith and Olivia on his way out the door. "Oi, you two, we gotta go talk to Kiana, come on." The two continue their playful bickering as they follow him. 

I take a depth breath now that I'm alone. Talk to Ian, film some stuff for a sketch, work on a Brianna Boho script with the writers. That's all I need to do. 

I can do this. 

ii.