love letters | shourtney

xxiii.

important a/n at the end

The beach is windy, and the clouds are grey, and yet I still find myself wading out into the water. The tide pulls me away, its cold grip strong around my waist. Before I know it, I've lost my sense of direction and I can't make out where the shore is. I cry out but it's no use, the storm around me is too loud. I'm too far out, no one can save me. I'm stuck here.

Without him.

Waves wrap me up, pushing me under. My body, out of control, starts thrashing and kicking to try and escape this. As the final few bubbles escape my lips and drift away into the vicious water, a mesmerising light shines into the water before a searing pain tears through my lungs.

I sit up swiftly, my breathing short and uneven. I clutch Shayne's sheets to my chest, my body shaking. He rests his hand on my shoulder, making me shiver. I turn my torso so I can see him. The clock behind him screams at me with bright red numbers. 

2:34 AM. 

2:34 AM. 

2:35 AM. 

"Hey. Hey! Are you okay?" I can't stop myself from shaking. Or thinking apparently. I press my face into his chest and try to steady my breathing. 

"I-I'm fine." I say breathlessly, immediately aware that he's not convinced by the way he tenses his body. I can't stop myself from shaking, which is in turn making my conscience take control and push myself further into him. 

"Court." His voice is so stern. I lift my face and peer into his eyes.

"It was just a stupid nightmare. That's all. I'm fine." Turning away again, I run a hand through my hair.

"You really don't seem fine." I can feel his eyes burning into me. I know I don't seem fine but please just let it go.

The last time I slept next to him I dreamt about us making out against my bedroom door. Since I put the space between us, I went back to dreaming about almost drowning and him saving me. Why is it now that I'm about to start the whole 'getting closer' tactic that I'm dreaming about dying? Is this some kind of omen, because I really don't think I have the mental capacity or energy to think that through. 

"Okay, maybe it wasn't just a stupid nightmare." I bring my knees up to my chest. His hand rests in the middle of my back, making my skin spark sporadically. I try to pull away mentally from his touch but him moving it just slightly sends shivers across my body. Jesus, I really need to gain control of this. "I'm sorry."

"Wait, what? What for?" He laughs softly, concern still layered thick over his voice.

"For waking you up." I let my eyes get pulled back to his. The blue of them is so soft with the darkness, but it's heavily interrupted by his worried brow.

"Hey, it's fine, I really don't care. Even the sleep I got was way better than what I've been getting. Seems you're my lucky charm." A genuine smile attempts to clear the worry from his face, but it doesn't do much, his eyes still heavily shadowed with concern.

"I can still be sorry." Without thinking, I rest my hand on his. It takes a moment, but he smiles lightly before taking it.

"Fair enough." He strokes his thumb across my knuckles, looking at our hands. "Do you want to try and sleep?" Tiredness drawing me away from reality again, I can only nod in response. I pull my hand away and lie down. He copies me and finds my hand again, locking it with his, continuing to run his fingertips along my knuckles. It makes my heart jump and flutter a little, sweet sensations running laps around my body.

"You don't have to answer, but what happened in your nightmare?" I shuffle slightly and roll onto my side so I'm facing him. Noticing my hand kind of being crushed, he lets go of it, and I move it up under my head. Not liking the disconnect, I take my free hand and rest it on his chest. He responds by putting his over mine, running it softly up and down my forearm. 

"It's this nightmare I've been having a lot lately. I find myself on a beach, and I go into the water, and I get trapped every time I go under." It's probably a good idea to avoid telling him that he's the one who always rescues me. "Usually, I make it out and get to shore safely, but the water was different this time. It was rough and angry, and I couldn't fight it." My voice shrinks. "I really thought I was dying."

Time goes by as I process the nightmare in silence, my eyes losing focus and resting on his shoulder. He rubs my hand lightly, understanding my need for stillness. 

"It felt so real." I speak so quietly I'm barely sure what I said was audible, my voice coming out as more of a light squeak. He looks down at me, but I can't draw my stare away from his shoulder, still not entirely connected with reality. 

"Hey." I break and drag my eyes up to his, trying to feel alive. "You're safe." The two words repeat over and over again in my mind, slowly easing my unsettled soul. "I promise you won't go drowning on my watch." An exhausted smile decorates my lips, a similar one crossing his in return.

"Thank you for letting me stay here." I press my cheek against his shoulder. He hums, exhaustion starting to crawl back out into his voice from its hiding place. 

"You're always welcome here, Court. In truth, I should really be thanking you. It's been difficult to even just fall asleep of late, let alone stay asleep. But with you... it's way easier." 

"Aside from the whole nightmare thing, it's been the same for me."

"I guess you should just move in then." He jokes after a half-yawn-half-sigh escaped his lips. I feel my cheeks start to burn. It's just because he's tired, it means nothing. Don't get ahead of yourself.

"Trust me, you don't want me living here. I've got too many clothes and so much make up. I'd be more of a hinderance." I try to sound like I'm joking along with him, but I don't know if I really succeed. 

"Eh, I'd get used to it." He shuffles down slightly as I sit up, cheeks getting redder as I stare into his face. He begins to drift off to sleep but I can't even imagine what my brain might come up with now that I'm so... aroused. Fuck. It meant nothing brain, shut up. "And trust me, nothing could be worse than living with Damien. He's the worst." His words are heavily slurred as he attempts making another joke before he knocks out. 

My heart thumps heavily in my chest over and over, threatening to pop at any second. Did I just sign myself up for a whole weekend of this?

xxiii.

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omg hello, i'm back!!! i'm so incredibly sorry for my absence, and for the shortness of this chapter (i really wanted to focus on this part with them)! i hope all of you are fantastic and enjoying life because i am certainly not. i've been struggling for a while (physically, mentally and academically) and it caused me to lose all ability to write anything, let alone something worth reading, but don't y'all worry about little old me. anywayssss, i'm back and i promise to try and be more consistent with this (even though I have exams for the next two weeks). 

i hope all of you are still enjoying this and that you are all staying hydrated, till we meet again! <3