love letters | shourtney

xii.

I find myself sitting cross-legged on his bed again, facing the wall, phone in hand. Ignoring messages from Olivia, I open Kari's contact and call her. 

Shayne told me I should call her and just ask if she's willing to get together to talk. No excuses, no apologies, just a question first. That's all. 

It rings about three times before she picks up. 

"Courtney?" It hits me now just how much I missed her, her voice slapping me in the face. I fight the urge to let tears build. "Hey."

"Hey." I take a deep breath, preparing myself. "Would you... want to, like, talk? Not like, now, or today, but... soon?" I close my eyes and scrunch up my nose. Why did I say that the worst way I could?

"Yes." I almost drop my phone. "Are you free tomorrow? After work?"

"What time?" I try to keep my voice level, but I'm panicking out of relief right now. 

"8?" I nod, forgetting she can't see me. I hum a 'yes' quickly to replace the silence. "Could I come over to yours?" 

"Yeah, sure." I press the nails on my free hand into my leg to keep myself in the moment. 

"Ok, uh, cool." She says. "I gotta go, but I'll see you tomorrow?" The sound of a door opening comes through the line.

"Y-Yeah, see you." After she hangs up, I sit with my phone and hands in my lap for a while, taking deep breaths so I don't start crying. If I deal with my issues with Kari, then my only remaining problems are work and Shayne. With work, I can easily ask almost anyone for help and they'd do it gladly. But Shayne is a different story. 

I want to be near him all the time, but every time I'm with him, I risk slipping up. It's probably not helping that I've been so exhausted of late, but even still, how do I trust myself not to mess up? I've got the notebook, and Dr T. and Olivia on my side, but what if that isn't enough? 

"How'd it go?" His voice replaces the silence, making my heart skip wildly. I turn to face him, watching him pocket his phone. 

"Good? I think. We're gonna talk at my place tomorrow night." I face forwards again, not ready to deal with my thoughts for him so soon after dealing with Kari. I feel his weight press against the end of the bed. He doesn't face me, leaning his elbows against his thighs instead. 

"Sam called me." I push away my thoughts and hum to let him know I'm listening. "Olivia's having a... thing at her place."

"A thing?" I say laughing as I raise an eyebrow at him, even though he can't see me. 

"It's a... 'get together'. Whole cast and crew are invited, but it's not drinking, and it's not a party. Apparently." He stumbles over his explanation. I feel my cheeks redden as I look over my shoulder, blushing at his awkwardness. "Do you feel like going? I can totally understand if you don't want to."

I sigh, turning my head again. Hanging out with everyone would be so fun, and it would probably help me out of my shitty mood. But then again, I still feel exhausted, both emotionally and physically. 

"Are you gonna go?" I prop my hands up on my knees, resting my chin against them. 

"Honestly, I'll only go if you do." My heart twitches. "It's nice to get together with everyone outside of work, but, I don't know, a quiet night isn't that bad either. And we've got work tomorrow." Thoughts race through my mind.

One, the idea that he would only go if I did. It's a completely platonic statement, but I can't help but feel giddy at the idea of it. It's dumb and childish, but so am I, so shut up.