love letters | shourtney

v.

"Courtney? Hey, what's wrong?" I shrink into her apartment. Shaky breaths and streaming tears make me fall to my knees. "Hey! Hey, hey, you're okay, you're okay." She kneels next to me and pulls me into her. "Let's go to the couch, okay? Come on." She helps me up and I follow her absentmindedly to the couch. 

She crosses her legs and I lay down, resting my head in her lap. Still crying uncontrollably, she strokes my hair. I feel like a puddle of unwanted emotion. 

"Your lack of fresh clothes and an overnight bag tells me you came straight here from work. Do you wanna talk about it?" She continued stroking my hair until my crying calmed down. Tears continue falling but my body stopped shaking. 

"There's so much going on. I just couldn't handle it." 

"You keep telling people that, but you never explain further. And you don't have to say anything, but I'm worried that you're bottling up something you really want to let out." I go to question how she knows what I've said to others but she reads my mind. "Noah and Ian both came to me asking if you were okay from my perspective. They told me what you said."

"I didn't say anything, mainly because I don't really know anything and I don't want to push you to tell me anything that you're not ready to share or that you don't want to, but Court, this is getting to be too much for you." For the first time, I really hear what's she's saying. What they've all been saying. 

It's different with Dr. T, she's my literal therapist, there's different walls and boundaries there. But Olivia is my absolute closest friend. She would never tell anyone a single word of what I've said to her in private. I sit up and look into her eyes. 

"I so badly want to tell you everything. But I have no idea what it all means, I haven't figured it out yet."

"Don't keep it from me because you haven't figured it out, tell me so I can help you figure it out." This is my chance. To get it off my chest. To have someone who knows everything. 

"Please never tell anyone what I'm about to say. Not until I have it all together myself." I plead. 

"Of course." She presses her forehead into mine. A feeling of safety returns to my heart.

"All the things that are going on, the obvious stuff, with work, like directing and writing, was all started as a distraction from what's going between me and Kari." I've never mentioned the fight between me and Kari to Olivia. "A few months ago, we got into an argument over my workload. At the time I was going out a lot with you and her and other friends. She told me that I was being irresponsible."

"I tried defending myself, but it blew up between us. She thought that I was being reckless, and in truth, I realise now I was. I went..." I pause. This is it. If I say it, I can't take it back. "I went to Shayne, he's met my family the most, he knew the most. And I needed his help." I feel the need to apologise for not going to her, but her face tells me to just keep talking. I drop my head and shut my eyes. 

"I spent a night at his place because I was too tired to drive home. And I dreamt about him. It was nothing like... that, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. About him. That was two months ago. I still can't stop thinking about him. Almost every night, whether I've seen him during the day or not, I see him when I'm asleep. The idea that I might have real feelings for him is what I can't handle. Not work, not Kari, him." I open my eyes to see her looking at me with no anger, just curiosity. 

"Why is it only an idea that you might like him? I know we're all different, but to me that sounds like feelings, real feelings." She rests a steady hand on mine. 

"What if they aren't real though? What if it's just admiration or some kind of fluke of dumb hormones or something? What if it's just that I've been single for so long and I just want that kind of... something and he was the first person I saw and so my mind fucked up and picked him?" I look away from her. 

"Did you come up with all the negative reasons as to why you feel like this so that you'll lower your chances of losing him?" I freeze. "You're indirectly denying your feelings for him, which is probably what's making it so hard. Courtney, I've known you a long time. You wouldn't react like this if it wasn't real."

"If I admit it, if I say how I feel out loud, I can't go back." The shakiness returns to my body. 

"You said it to me." I turn my eyes back to her. 

"You aren't the one I have to lose." 

"I don't think you could ever lose Shayne. Whether you two are 'meant to be' or not, you guys are Courtney and Shayne, you're Shourtney. You're iconic." She smiles, but her face still conveys worry. "That being said, you don't have to tell him. And some feelings aren't forever. I mean, you thought Johnny would be forever and look how that turned out."

A watery laugh escaped my lips. I press my forehead against hers again. "I love you." 

"I love you too." 

"What have I done?" I pull away from her and press my hands into my finally dry eyes. The realisation that I told someone burns a hole in my mind, but I don't feel... bad. 

"We figured it out. You figured it out." She moves closer to me and wraps a supportive arm around my shoulder. "I have another question. Is this what you talked about with your therapist today?" It feels like my appointment was days ago. 

"Yeah, this and Kari." I wish I could talk to Kari about this. I really need to apologise to her. 

"Did she give you any... suggestions, I guess?" I'm reminded of the notebook, which I pull from my bag. 

"She told me to write about how I felt in this. We were going to use it to figure out my feelings, but that's been sorted already." I flip through the empty pages. 

"Not necessarily, I think you should still write in it." I look to her. "Yeah, you figured out that the feelings are real, but that doesn't mean it's done and dusted. You've still gotta figure out how you're gonna go around it." 

"I am not telling Shayne." I really emphasise 'not'. 

"I'm not saying you have to. But you work with him, you see him basically daily. And you said you don't want to lose him, so avoiding him isn't an option. Writing about it will help you work through it. That's how you've always been. Your messy mind needs sorting out." She taps my temple so I poke my tongue out at her. 

"What if I lose him anyway? I don't mean just romantically. Keeping this a secret from him, hell, keeping secrets from him in general bothers me. What if he gets sick of me acting weird?" My insecurities have really been just laid out on the Olivia's living room floor tonight. 

"Then he's not a friend. No one should ever leave someone because they act weird or different. And Shayne knows you, he would never leave you for something like that. Everything's going to work out, Court. I promise."

"That's not something you can promise me, Olivia." Even though uncertainty dances around in my already jumbled up mind, I smile at her everlasting positivity. I owe you so much. 

"Shush now, I'm manifesting." 

v.