love letters | shourtney

xix.

After finishing writing everything down in my notebook, I contemplated writing the letter into it, but it didn't feel right, so I went and got some lined paper. Sitting here at my desk, I'm not entirely sure what to write. 

My mind skips to Kari. She left just over an hour ago, promising that we would make plans soon. Seeing her and clearing things up really made things a lot easier. Now the only problem in my life that's big is Shayne. Not Shayne, Shayne's great. My feelings for him are the problem.

Before I know it, I've been here for almost a half hour, waiting for a spark to come to me. It's really just not happening. I sigh, thinking wistfully about being with him, being his. The spark finally hits me, and I start writing, being careful to make it legible and not smudged.

Dear Shayne, 

Even though I don't think you'll ever read this, I hope this letter finds you in good health... I hate myself.

Let me start this off by saying that we've had quite the friendship, and we've taken a lot of turns and a lot of ups and downs. We auditioned together, we were introduced at the same time, we got put together for almost everything, we went through Defy together, we went through my medical stuff together. To tell the truth, with all of this history between us, I'm honestly shocked it took me 7 years to realise how I feel about you. 

It might come as a major shock to you, or maybe you already figured it out by me being stupid or hearing it through the grapevine, I don't know, but I have feelings for you. The feelings are complicated, but to paraphrase, I like you. Romantically. I know I sound like a teenager but shut up. 

These feelings have always been around, but I don't think it's mutual. I mean, there's always been something between us, but I never thought much of it. I really just put it down to us being so compatible, but in a friendship way. And now I've found myself completely, utterly, and constantly surrounded by thoughts of, or about, you. I can't escape the thoughts or these feelings. 

My skin burns and my nerves spark whenever you brush against me. My heart stops beating every time you say something forward or something that could be seen even just slightly romantically. My mind aches when you aren't around, but I can't keep a thought that's not about you around when you're nearby. It's sucks... but I love it.

I want to be yours. I want you to call me your girlfriend. I want you to want me. I want you to think about me constantly the way I can't get you out of my head. I want you to feel incomplete when I'm not around.

I hate bringing you down with all my inconveniences, but I can't help but want you to be the only one who ever helps me. The only one who's ever around. And I know that's stupid and possessive and selfish. And the worst part of all this is the jealously I feel whenever you're with someone else. I know you aren't mine, but fuck, I really wish you were. 

I love the way you treat me, and the way you make everyone around you happy, and the way that I feel when you're nearby. 

I want you more than I can express with words and I really hope that one day, you'll see me the same way. 

Love from, Courtney M.

I sign my name and then drop my pen, running my hands through my hair. That was a lot more taxing than I thought it would be. 

Folding the letter up, I stare at the paper in my hand. I pick up the pen again and write Shayne on the front of it, not stopping myself before I draw a heart next to his name. Rolling my eyes at myself, I tuck it into my notebook and get up, fixing my shirt.