Searching For Answers (We Can Make This Work sequel)

Chapter 37

** Reid's P.O.V. **

After arguing with Darcy I couldn't bear to stay in the house. Of course I wanted to be there for her, I wanted to explain everything and make everything okay, but I couldn't and I never will be able to make everything okay because something broke a very long time ago and no matter what we do I don't think we could ever fix it.

She was broke and I wasn't strong enough to fix her. She needed a man who could care for her, spend every minute with her and when the nightmares hit and the sleepless nights that were never ending started taking affect he would be there to make sure it all went away. But I couldn't do that, I was too selfish.

Let me tell you something about being a genius. It's hard to feel for people who aren't on the same level as you are. I do not look down on anybody. Ever. But it's hard to be equal. There's a place in my mind that tells me just to shut everything out, that I'm ok with being alone and the truth is I am. I always was. Before I met Darcy all those years ago I was fine in my own company. It took some time getting used to someone around. I know sometimes I tried my best to push her away without even realising it.

"Could we get any closer to paradise?" I sighed in awe 

"You know paradise is associated with love and love of beauty and nature and in our brains Dr Helen Fisher found that First, the caudate nucleus-part of the primitive reptilian brain-is highly active in these amorous individuals. As expected, she also saw the brain areas associated with dopamine and norepinephrine production light up. Both are brain chemicals associated with pleasurable activities and excitement. Fisher puts it best when she says, "No wonder lovers talk all night or walk till dawn, write extravagant poetry and self-revealing e-mails, cross continents or oceans to hug for just a weekend, change jobs or lifestyles, even die for one another. Drenched in chemicals that bestow focus, stamina and vigour, and driven by the motivating engine of the brain, lovers succumb to a Herculean courting urge." Spencer said matter-of-factly as he looked all around him  

"Alright Mr IQ of 187, take a break okay, we're on our honeymoon" I laughed 

We unpacked our bags and decided to take a swim. After dinner we took a walk around the beaches and the small town. It was so festive and cheerful, definitely an escape from our daily grim lives. It was 11pm when we got back to our lodge and we decided to get some sleep. 

"Hey Darce" Spencer turned to me in bed as he looked me in the eyes 

"What is it Spence?" She said seeing sadness in my eyes 

"Do you ever get tired of me? Like my brain, you know when I blabber on about irrelevant facts, do I bore you?" I spluttered out 

"Spencer don't ever think your knowledge bores anyone, or that we dismiss your facts. I learn every day from you and your unending knowledge. You make me smile every day when you go on your little scientific rambles, it's what makes you who you are! Knowledge is a gift not easily earned Spencer, don't ever doubt it!" She said softly as she placed her hand on my cheek and kissed me softly 

"Why did you ask me that?" She said in confusion

"Because I never asked you before, and Morgan constantly talks about how you put up with me and I suppose he was right and I want to make sure you don't regret any of this" I mumbled quickly 

"Spencer Reid look at me" She said sternly "Don't listen to Derek Morgan or anyone else that questions you! You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I wouldn't change a single thing about you or what we have! You are the most amazing man I've ever met and that will never change!" She said softly but with seriousness in my tone 

"I love you" I whispered 

"I love you too" She smiled softly 

I reminisced on our honeymoon night. No matter what I said, no matter what I did she would forgive me and love me more. All she wanted was to be loved, to be happy, to have a family. She never had it easy, from the day she was born she had to fight and all she wanted to do was to stop.

As I was thinking about this, walking along the pavement, aimlessly not really knowing what I was doing, my phone began to ring.

"Hello?" I answered

"Hey Spence, its Carrie" she replied gently

"Oh, hey" I began to smile

"Are you ready to leave in 2 days?" Carrie questioned

"Umm Carrie look, I" I began

"I get it Spencer, you don't want to leave her. Just hear me out, you have a choice, you can pack it up, go home and be with Darcy and forget about Islamabad and the CIA. Or you can come with me, I'm going away to a cabin my parents own by the lake for 2 days, if you come with me you've decided to leave everything here and come to Islamabad, you have to forget Darcy, forget your son and you have focus on the task at hand. If you don't come with me I take it you've forgotten about us and you want to stay here and return to the BAU" she gave me the grave ultimatum

"Carrie you need to give me some time" I said startled at the sudden choice

"We don't have time Spencer" she replied

How could I possibly make this decision? Leave Darcy, forget about Jacob and forget about starting the family we've always wanted or give up this experience, give up this dream, give up Carrie.

How could I choose?