𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑭𝒐𝒓𝒈𝒐𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒏 𝑬𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒌𝒊 // 𝑺𝒉𝒂𝒅𝒐𝒘 & 𝑩𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝑭𝑭

𝟏𝟏. 𝑼𝒑 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝑳𝒂𝒅𝒅𝒆𝒓

Days, weeks, months have maybe passed and I underwent countless trainings, drills, covered in dirt, sometimes blood, shouting, scolding, correcting, telling I'm not doing enough, I'm not good enough, I am weak, don't sleep, eat, drink enough.

"You look pale!" Baghra scolded and I rolled my eyes yet again and jolted up when her stick hit my forearm once again. She grabbed my chin with her boney hand firmly, made me look at her. "Your face became thin and boney!" she hissed. "Fix. It."

I hiss when she released my chin from her grasp, my voice is quivering and my breath sharp. I wish I was good enough, good enough to show my worth or prove them wrong about their assumptions about me. Botkin didn't take it easy on me either. When I fall during a drill, he would grab my forearm and pull me back up hissing. "You're still too weak! GET UP!"

I was trapped in an endless cycle and nightmare, day and night. Countless studies, countless drills and trainings, practices with the other Grisha and I still barely had control over my powers or whatever it is residing within me. I would avoid practicing with them when Helena Petrova, an Inferni of the Etherealki Order I met and get well along with, would invite me to train with them in the evenings or spare time. She was full of life, always so joyful and smiling, greeting me with an warm embrace. Helena had shoulder length, chestnut colored, wavy hair and hazel eyes. It suited her heart shaped face well and her freckles, honestly, added to her beauty and lively persona. Whatever keeps crawling up my skin I grasp for it, try to feel it but as soon as Baghra hits my arm again I loose it.

"Where's the rest of you?" she would ask me. Sitting before me on the chairs placed in the middle of her hut.

I glare at her exhausted. Every time I am there I feel anger within my chest rising up. Every time I am with Botkin I give up any resistance and just endure everything they put me through without saying a word. After the event at the little gathering, Marie and Nadia have avoided my presence, every time I enter the dining room I hear whispers and eyes looking straight at me. They must know. Must know I almost lost control that night and potentially almost ended a fellow Grishas life. Alina would talk to me occassionally but she is being taken away far too often to attend her duties. Jordin, Larissa and Adonis would try and force me to eat when I just stare blankly at my plate, barely touching it and Genya, poor, sweet Genya, would try to cheer me up with recent gossip every time she comes to my chambers to get me ready for the day. But I caught her helpless sigh every time I do not respond.

I jolted up when I heard the sudden whooshing of a stick and felt pain rushing through my arm. Ripped out of my thoughts. And here is Baghra before me again with her stern look in the eyes.

"Dreaming of finding approval of the General?" she asked.

"No." I answered in an instant with a low voice.

"Where are your parents?"

I shrug, "Dead I assume. Or living their best life without me."

"Where did you grow up?" she kept pushing.

"I don't know. All I know I traveled around from Novy Zem." I answered her questions quickly and without hesitations. My voice sounding dead. My only thought was getting out of there.

"You slipped through the cracks and stayed where you don't belong. Where do you belong?" she pushed again.

I found myself focused on her gaze, holding it. Maybe I wanted to show strength, maybe I tried to mask my tiredness. "I do not belong anywhere." I muttered silently.

"Then what are you?" she lowered her voice. Her stern stare piercing through me made me shift in my seat, crossing my arms in front of my chest, sighing out.