𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑭𝒐𝒓𝒈𝒐𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒏 𝑬𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒌𝒊 // 𝑺𝒉𝒂𝒅𝒐𝒘 & 𝑩𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝑭𝑭

𝟏𝟐. 𝑻𝒓𝒖𝒔𝒕..

Kosmos Koroleva. Aleksandra. Killed parents. I was to blame. Queen of the Cosmos is what the Apparat called me. One nightmare after the other. Ghosts of my past are hunting me down. And the images of earlier keep showing up before me. They keep replaying over and over and over again. I still struggle to understand the whole meaning of it. Still struggling to connect the dots. But I felt reborn. Shed my skin like a serpent.

The shadows of my past have haunted me. Reached out to me. Always a little hint of my past and I was never aware of it. Never aware that its a lost piece of surpressed memory. But I have lost my identity. I have lost whoever I was before. A thief, a criminal, this person is lost. Raven is lost. Aleksandra was born. But she is still a stranger. She is still someone unknown and terryfing. So after all, I still don't know who or what I am. 

I slowly began to gain my conscience, turn my head to the side and sigh, slowly opening my eyes. It was still blurry and I didn't know where I landed this time. But in the blur I could make out a tall male figure in black standing at the edge of the bed. It's him. General Kirigan. I pushed myself up in an instant, gasped in fear as I felt the wooden end of the bed against my back. I can't move nowhere else and I wanted to run. Run out this room.

"Easy, Raven." he spoke softly, holding a glass of water in his hands. "Here," he came closer and sat down on the edge of the bed, handing me the glass of water. "drink. You need it."

I hesitated. I didn't want to be near him. Not after what happened in Baghra's hut. I probably emberrassed myself and he saw everything, heard everything. Is he one to trust? I think I could see worry in his dark, mirroring eyes and took the glass, sipping it.

"How are you feeling?" he asked. I found myself still pressed against the bed, scooped like a frightened puppy.

"Stay away from me." I demanded with an breaking voice.

"Raven, you just accepted a glass of water I offered." he spoke with confidence. "You trusted me in that moment."

He was right. I had the choice whether I want to accept it or not. And I did. But maybe it was out of fear of him or me actually being thirsty. Why am I even thinking about this?

"Don't worry me." he said, moving a bit closer and leaning his elbows on his knees. "How are you feeling?" the look in his eyes didn't make it easier for me to keep away. I thought he might genuinely care, that he was actually worried.

"How do you think I'm supposed to feel, General?" I caught myself blurting out, my eyes staring right into his. My voice remained the same, weak and breaking.

He sighed, lowering his head. He seemed to be in his thoughts as I watched him closer. "I can't read your mind Raven. I can only look out fo-"

"If you could read my mind you'd be in tears." I interrupted him sharply and his head shot right back at me. That's where I pulled my legs closer to me, away from him. His stare terrified me yet calmed me at the same time. He felt so welcome.

"You carry a lot on your mind, I know that." he spoke in his flat, low voice. "You are..being haunted by the shadows of your past now and one part wishes to escape and forget and the other fights to accept it.."

Yes..that's what I feel in this moment..I guess he is more understanding than I thought..He was also being haunted by the shadows of his ancestor..tried to fix his doings and fighting for a better Ravka..What did I gain from finding out bits of my past?

"Allow yourself to bloom, Raven. Welcome that new part of you. You can be more than you think. Accept your nature."

"I was torn into pieces by the truth, General..Everything that they said about me..guess we'll see." I spoke in a soft voice. I felt safe now as I found myself leaned slightly forward listening to him.